Love with emotional baggage - make me feel better!

[JohnSteinbeck]

Is anyone else finding post-divorce love hard? Issues like living in his old marital home (she was only there a short while but still… and he brought girlfriends back there, the place has history), shared and unclear history with female “sister like” friend, how much to engage with his kids…

We’ve been together about 4 years. I dunno why I let this past stuff creep in. He says he loves me and continues to want a future, etc, we have great times together but these niggles make things so hard for me.

Make me feel better with your stories of “older love”, please!

I don't know whether we're looking at it from the same viewpoint but I definitely find this hard. My partner was married for almost 20 years and has children with his ex. There is really no drama at all and I think we are very happy together, but I struggle with the feeling of being second best (to the ex, not the children) in some emotional hierarchy of his because he loved her first and had children with her, and that I will always be compared negatively by him, his family, and people in general I suppose. I think it doesn't help that one of my exes had an affair with his ex when we were together so I probably am sensitive.

I have never been married, never lived with a partner for more than a few months or had children, so I suppose I don't fully understand the level of 'history' he has. Maybe sometimes I feel wistful and a bit sad that even if we stay together forever I've missed out on a simpler and somehow 'purer' love that my friends who got together at 20 with very little relationship history have together. He's bought a house with someone before, done all of those firsts and I haven't so I worry our excitement levels won't match up. Even if we get married I'll always be the second wife. I don't think that's necessarily what anyone imagines when they are younger, but I try just to be happy and grateful for the here and now.

Erm .. that would be a yes from me ... most of what the OP describes is a constant issue for me that I am trying to make peace with for myself. I know in my head that we all have a past that we cannot change nor maybe want to because there were happy times too. However, emotionally it's a different matter but I know that the root causes are my own insecurities and negative experiences in the past and I'm afraid that the same or similar things will happen again. I also know that I am responsible for my feelings, my reactions and actions so have been trying hard to understand why I have those issues in the first place because I don't want to have them anymore. It takes time and being completely honest with myself but I think I am beginning to see the light at the end of a very, very long dark tunnel.

I think you just have to try to be very objective about your relationship. Since you've been together, has he done anything to make you suspicious or worried about how much he's committed to you? It sounds like it is going very well so what it is exactly about these niggles that bother you? What would make you not have these niggles anymore? If there is something then you should talk it over, don't let it fester and become bigger. I think to a degree, it's normal to have the occasional niggle so maybe you're being too hard on yourself? We're all human.

Re kids, this is always tricky. It depends on how old they are, how much access they have with their dad, what kind of communication/relationship their parents have post divorce etc.. At the end of the day they are his kids and I would take the lead from them whenever they are around you and do as much or as little as you are comfortable with. It's best if you agree with their dad how he thinks you should interact with them as well so that you both know what's expected.

Thank you @tinydancer88

Sorry I'm late coming to the thread. I can TOTALLY understand where you are coming from. I was in your position with my ex-husband. He had been married before and although there were no kids, etc (he used to call it his "dry run" marriage), your point about not having done things together for the first time really rings true. I remember organising our wedding and feeling sad that I wouldn't be the first wife.

Some of those feelings have carried on here. I still get a bit sad at thinking I'll never be anyone's first wife - stupid, because do I even want to be married?!

It's great that you have no drama at all and are happy together. Maybe those "second best" feelings are about us and how we view ourselves?

Oh no, your ex having an affair with his ex. These sorts of dramas don't help. Mine has an ex with whom I could potentially get intertwined but I've had to change the boundary to keep it strong. Difficult as he has everyone being friends with each other.

Happy and grateful for the here and now sounds like very wise advice! Thank you for replying, I'm glad I'm not alone.

Thanks for replying, @TheTrinity.

Yes! That's exactly it! I am trying to make peace with it.

Interesting what you say about the root causes being our own insecurities and negative experiences. I am having counselling, and when she gets me to a stage where I feel good, I don't find myself ruminating over these things.

Mine can be like ticker tape: does he love me as much/am I good like the last one/does he really mean it/how does a future look/how do we ensure everyone is healthy/is he as committed as he says he is...

Agree, staying objective and pragmatic helps. No, he hasn't done anything to make me suspicious about how committed he is, although there are those problems about how we join homes, and I don't particularly want to live in his ex-wife's house. I guess that is what bothers me right now. You're right, talking it through and not letting it fester is a good way forwards.

You're right about the kids - both sides. They are all different. Luckily, older, so that's easier in many ways. Yes, I have to keep remembering to take the lead from them and chill a bit. I don't 'have' to make them like me.

Oh it is hard work! I guess the best thing is to go back to - I want a no-drama relationship where there is love and respect.

Don't know if it helps, but from the other side (well we're both on second marriages) I PROMISE that it doesn't work like that.

Maybe not a good analagy, but do you love your second child less than your first? Of course not. Just because you have done something before doesn't make it mean less 2nd time. In fact if anything it's the opposite - we are more likely to marry the 'wrong' person when we're younger. We're more likely to not have grown in to our true selves and therefore to know who is a good match for us when we're younger. We're more likely to marry someone because of other people's expectations/ peer pressure when we're younger.

People often, sadly, regret earlier relationship decisions. But the up side is if they learn from them and that leads to better relationships in the future.

If he is no longer with his ex, that's because it didn't work out. He's now with you.

My first wedding was a very happy affair. We married for love. A wonderful day. But hand on heart I can tell you that it didn't enter my head during my second wedding planning / wedding day.

I think it's wonderful when people meet young and are happy and stay the course - I know several great marriages such as that. But for those where that doesn't work out, the second marriage is often an improvement on the first, simply because the people involved know themselves more, know what they will accept and dealbreakers, and are together entirely because they want to be, rather than because they feel it's expected / they want children / want their own house and it's easier with 2 etc.

Hey, thank you @layladomino I'm so happy to hear these experiences...

You're right... it doesn't work like this, and the second child analogy is excellent. The funniest thing for me, is that we don't even talk marriage. He thinks I am scared/don't believe in it. In truth, it just feels very risky. I was the 2nd wife to my ex-husband, and I would be current partner's 3rd wife or 4th serious partner. He has a lot of history! Part of me thinks - why would I reduce myself to being a 3rd wife? Better to stay partners only.

But that poses other commitment problems, mostly around how we live. I'm probably overthinking things!

I like what you say very much. It's true... with age comes development of character. There is no need to marry for having kids or houses. We both have our own. We have wisdom on our side, and the focus is very much on how we will grow old together (rather than with my ex, which felt like our time together was on the never-never). This means that plans get realised, at least.

I would like to hear more from women about this issue of second weddings. How does it feel to do it again? Doesnt the upset of the first time cause doubts? I guess I am writing this from a position of not being ready for the marriage commitment.

Thank you for sharing your experiences! I really hope some other wise people will reply, too. I'm finding this thread really helpful.

You're definitely not alone! It's good that you have a counsellor and I am sure you will find that you'll feel good most of the time and the 'ruminations' will fade away completely. I have been trying to work it out on my own and it's just harder to practise reframing my thoughts and thought process in a healthier way so that I don't have doubts over everything.

I TOTALLY get you about the house situation. I don't know an easy answer to that except maybe agree to a major redecoration lol. It was the same for me but my bf had to downgrade and bought a new house. He knew how I felt about their old house.

It's great that you mention boundaries. I link those with what we know we want, accept, dealbreakers etc as layadomino rightly says. I have no intention of selling my own home and know my bf wants me to live some of the time at least with him but that is a WHOLE OTHER DISCUSSION that we have not yet had together intentionally so it's just not going to happen lol.

2nd, 3rd weddings thoughts:
The thing is I would hope that there is a whole lot of shared communication and understanding between a couple to bring them to the point of wanting/deciding to marry again. Even though obviously it's a different person and different time, ideally we have all learnt from past mistakes AND what was right and worked before that can benefit the present. I really do think we have to be very clear about why we want to remarry especially if it's past the point of having children etc. What are the motivations in later life to remarry?

I grew up seeing marriages I was closest to, slowly and painfully unravel and the aftermath. However I still had a very positive view and believed 100% in marriage, it did not put me off and I have come to understand that it simply depends on the person we choose (or fate/destiny whatever). I am divorced, although the marriage was a disastrous mistake on my part because I chose the wrong person, my stupidity in ignoring several red flags compounded it. I am not bitter about it although my ex was abusive (I was lucky I had the means and strength to kick him out as soon as I realised what he was), I still believe in the sanctity of marriage (was not brought religious nor am I religious now) and think it does change a relationship - we just have to make sure it's for the better lol. To me it is the ultimate commitment - does that make me a hopeless romantic? Maybe, but that's how I feel. Legally, marriage is one of the most powerful acts people can do and so I have never taken it less than absolutely seriously and that's not changed. I can't see me feeling anything but happiness if I were to get married again and if I had any doubts at all I would not have got to that point in the first place.

My bf believes we'll marry, he has said so BUT he has not asked me my views on marriage and we have no discussions. I know he loved being married but maybe not for the same reasons as me lol. In fact I don't know yet if I want to marry him. It's good to think he is willing to make such a serious commitment to me but it's just my vanity because I don't know what he thinks about marriage itself now. I'm worried that the reason for his last marriage wasn't exactly the best in my opinion.