Dating etiquette?

[NeverButterkist]

I don't understand modern dating etiquette. My niece told me yesterday that she and her bf are now 'officially' boyfriend and girlfriend . I don't understand it as they have been dating for a year. He just assumed they were but she told him he had to ask her to be his gf. I just don't get it.
Apparently it is also necessary to agree to be exclusive.
In my day you 'went out' with one person and if you met someone you preferred you 'finished' the first relationship; 'two timing' was really frowned upon.
When did it all change and why?

With the advent of online dating where a persons choices are infinite

When it became expected that you sample as many aspossible on the app. Because you are straight away talking to multiple men with romantic interest in mind, you need to make a decision as a pair to stop talking to others, ie be exclusive.

Although I think your niece is an extreme example. In my relationship, we were exclusive as soon as we slept together (not discussed beforehand, but both felt that way luckily) and that also meant a couple (because what is really the difference). And he never asked me, just dropped the word girlfriend into conversation a few times to see if I objected!

Most of my friends seem to have a few weeks between exclusive and coupledom, and it's the switch flicking from casual to liking someone. You don't necessarily need to ask to be someone's girlfriend though. It tends to be at that point you delete the app iyswim, so closing off any conversations with other men

Yer, I don't get this either.

DDs friends mutter in teen speak about "side tings" and other phrases I am oblivious to

I'd say it's because "friends with benefits" and other more casual forms of relationship have become more socially acceptable today.

When I first got together with my bf, I wasn't expecting it to be a serious relationship; I thought it might be a summer fling at most. He has had a lot of brief relationships over the years, so also wasn't expecting it to be any different. For various reasons, neither of us has any plans to live with anyone. So we didn't refer to one another as our partner/boyfriend or whatever. Probably also took a year before we realised it might actually last a bit longer.

In the 1950s, "boyfriend" had to become "fiancé" and then "husband" pretty rapidly. That changed over the next few decades. This is the next step.

Yes it's the norm now

To add further my sister was “with” someone for 2 Years who told her one day he wasn’t her boyfriend as they had never had that chat. Sleeping with someone doesn’t equal a relationship

Multi dating is now the norm. You’re free to date whoever you wish until you’ve discussed and agreed upon exclusivity.

It’s sensible, why would you commit to someone you’ve only been on a couple of dates with and close down the potential for meeting others who may be more suited? Your exclusivity and commitment are precious things to be given deliberately, not something you owe someone automatically because you went for dinner a few times.

Unless you’ve discussed whether you’re exclusive, you’re just dating and both parties can date others too. Is it really difficult to wrap your head around?

By produce of online dating

Not knowing whether or not you’re exclusive or actually in a relationship until a year has passed is pretty unusual, so I don’t think your DN’s boyfriend was unreasonable in assuming they were a couple at all, but if it was so important to your DN to have “the conversation” I’m amazed it didn’t come up earlier.

I think multi-dating and keeping your options open initially is pretty sensible. If you were unemployed, you wouldn’t stop looking for jobs or sending out applications once one employer offered you an interview, and if you’re looking for a serious relationship then I don’t see why the same shouldn’t apply there. You don’t owe anybody anything just because you’ve been on a date or two. I’m not even sure multi-dating is particularly new. A couple of Christmases ago, my brothers and I asked our parents how they met and got together, expecting a lovely story. My mum told us that they’d met at a club and she’d actually been seeing two other men at the time and trying to work out which she liked best; then my dad came along and he had a car whereas the other men didn’t, and she thought it would be handy to date a man with a car.

Leaving aside the principle mystery of how anyone could have several choices and end up picking my dad, this was back in the early ‘70s, and my mum isn’t some crazy socialite party girl, she’s from a very ordinary background in a small city - yet she didn’t seem to think it was unusual that she was “trying out” more than one man at once, and said most of her friends were doing the same back then.

@NeverButterkist

I don't understand modern dating etiquette. My niece told me yesterday that she and her bf are now 'officially' boyfriend and girlfriend . I don't understand it as they have been dating for a year. He just assumed they were but she told him he had to ask her to be his gf. I just don't get it. Apparently it is also necessary to agree to be exclusive. In my day you 'went out' with one person and if you met someone you preferred you 'finished' the first relationship; 'two timing' was really frowned upon. When did it all change and why?

Same for me when I was coming up. But it's different now and frankly I like it. I think it's good to have "the chat" and make sure both people are on the same page.

It's so, so much easier to meet people online and check them out beforehand (although granted some people do lie) rather than waiting in the club hoping a random bloke's going to ask you for the last dance while your mate holds your handbag!

It’s interesting this, because my mum (in her 20s in the 70s) thinks my generation are all far too sensible, getting into long term relationships young. She (and her friends) had boyfriends, but in between a string of ONSs and flings that number so long she can’t always remember all of the men. She thinks my generation are much more cautious…and certainly I’d say that’s fairly true of the majority of my friends. Lots of us have had fairly long term relationships throughout our 20s that somewhat hampered our libertine inclinations…

Though, I appreciate, on reflection that’s maybe a slightly different point. Perhaps multi-dating is the sweet spot between loads of casual sex or exclusive relationship?