Devastated over end of 8 year relationship… but I ended it

[ShinyButTarnished]

I should feel relief but instead I’m devastated. I’ve spent the last week crying and I feel so broken. Yet I caused this.

I loved my ex. I loved our life together. I loved our (his) house that I made my home. But he cheated, treated me with distain, made me think I was going mad, said I remembered things wrong, minimised stuff and said I was paranoid and it was all in my head. Maybe it was? I don’t feel like I know anymore.

I left. He has ignored me but bad mouthed me to everyone we know. People are drawn to him as he is very charismatic. They believe him and think I’ve got severe mental health issues. I’ve lost my friends and my life.

I keep checking his social media, looking to see when he was last online on WA. He has already found someone else to take on the holiday we had planned (and postponed). I’ll never get to go now.

I have a boring average job. I’m lucky to have somewhere to live - no where near as nice but it’s fine, very average.

I was so unhappy but I just feel even more unhappy right now. I know I’m dead to him. I can’t stop thinking of him and what it could have been.

How long does this hurt take to fade. Can I even find a new life in my 40s?

Your probably missing the false image you had of him in your head.The reality is his toxic behaviour led you to finish things and your future self will thank you for that later on down the line.
The ending of a relationship is painful, but it is only temporary. You need to go zero contact, keep really busy doing positive things for yourself and get thoughts of him out of your head.

You can find a new life at any age of you have the right attitude. Raise your standards, work on your self confidence and self esteem, you will attract much healthier people.

He sounds like an absolute twat, it might not feel it now but you have had a lucky escape. Just try and imagine how it would feel to be treated like that all your life. Now you are free and can live the life you want without being lied to, cheated on, gaslight, by a vain, narcissist wankstain.

I just came across your post. I was widowed in my early 40’s. To cut a long story short, my husband had been ill and spread a lot of untrue stuff around about me before he died, so people I could’ve done with supporting me weren’t there for me. But I’m doing OK. My life isn’t great or what I’d expected or wanted etc. but I do feel like there is another future out there for me. It’s early days x

You should be proud of yourself to have had the strength to end it when the infidelity came to light. This is a time to be kind to yourself and take stock of your virtues and to find talents and passions you never knew you had. I wish you all the best.

Oh I waited three years after the cheating. Multiple cheating. Then I made my plans in the background, sorted a house with the support of a friend and then left a week ago. It just feels so raw even though I’ve been planning it and working towards it for months.

@ShinyButTarnished

Oh I waited three years after the cheating. Multiple cheating. Then I made my plans in the background, sorted a house with the support of a friend and then left a week ago. It just feels so raw even though I’ve been planning it and working towards it for months.

Totally normal. You couldn't process all the grief and hurt while you were still in the situation, because you had to be partially shut down emotionally to survive.

This is just a catching up process. It will pass. But I do appreciate it's a shock when you were expecting to feel relief not grief. Been there.

It is normal. It will pass. You will be able to feel hopeful again.

@ShinyButTarnished that’s even more impressive, in a way. You planned, executed and left with a measure of security many don’t. You have potentially already survived and endured one of the hardest things so far. Again be kind to yourself and take the time to heal. Make this phase of your life about you.

Well done OP for getting out!
This is the natural next stage of the process. The comedown. Until now you have been running on adrenaline, fear, anxiety and resentment. Now all that has gone and you have to adjust to the lack of drama. You probably got used to the drama fuelling your days.
Don't worry, you mind and body will adjust. Just give yourself time. It's a stage you have to go through. Try to remind yourself of all the hateful things he did and try and distract yourself with things you like doing.

Yes you are right everyday would be drama. Massive ups and downs. Some days I felt like I was worshipped as being amazing. Other days I was invisible and ignored for being stupid, delusional, paranoid.

I should feel relief, that is what I expected but now I wonder what on earth did I do. I feel like I turned off my own sun and now I’m spinning alone in the darkness.

I've only read your posts, OP, no one else's, so forgive me if I've missed something.

It sounds like a golden cage that you have escaped.

Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and accept that a crazy ex will poison people's minds. You can't control that. What you can control is what you do next with your life. Good luck