Another MIL post

[Dolores25]

Posting this in relationships and I do want some genuine advice and not just everyone telling me I’m being unreasonable.

Been with my DP six years, engaged for 2 and we got married this year. In all that time MIL has had very little to do with me. Which is fine on the surface, we have very different personalities and I think our expectations of the relationship were very different, which I’ve now come to accept over time that I barely exist in her life. Many examples but the main 2 were when we were engaged and married there was no communication etc from her on any of it she basically pretended it wasn’t happening. We moved house, she never mentioned the new house at all. Anything to do with our lives she takes very little interest in. There’s been some general weird behaviour towards me over the years too.

I could totally accept this, however she expects me to turn up to speak to her on FaceTime whenever it suits her, I.e will message DH on a Saturday and say can we FaceTime now please and I’m expected to sit there for 45 minutes and listen to her tell us about her life/house/job/friends but she never asks about us.
She will also plan family events (pre covid) with loads of random relatives that my DH hasn’t met / seen for 20 years and expect us to be there. Plans random trips/days out for us all without telling us, books them and then asks for the money. There’s always just an expectation that when it suits her we have to turn up and participate in family life but then there’s nothing from her in-between.

I’m starting to find it very tiring. I would put up with it if we had a relationship outside of this but we don’t. It’s all on her terms when it suits her.

I’m tempted to start refusing but I don’t feel like I have an actual reason, saying ‘you don’t talk to me so why should I bother’ sounds a bit petty. I can’t put my finger on it but anything I was to ‘call her out on’ makes me feel like I’d be making a big deal out of it and I’d look like I was causing trouble, but all added up together it’s quite frankly exhausting. DH knows how I feel and does agree to an extent but at the same time he seems brainwashed into thinking he can’t say no to her.

Any advice?

Why does he just agree to go to random events? Don’t you have lives of your own? Just don’t go, I’m sure you’ve got stuff to do.

He doesn’t really agree. She will ring up and phrase the event as if we will be there, it’s not a question like ‘can you make it.’ More of a ‘you will be there’ , and then making him feel like we have no choice but to attend, and we spend the entire time trying to figure out when we can leave.
It’s hard to try and explain, it feels very manipulative the way it’s done.

It’s a MN classic but “That doesn’t work for me” is your go-to reply here.

You, or preferably your DH, need to sit down with her and put her right. She sees your DH as an extension of herself expecting him to be where she wants him to be and do as she says. May be that’s why she somehow doesn’t acknowledge you. She’s in denial that he’s no longer her little boy perhaps. This behaviour will continue unless she’s told differently.

Yes I totally agree that we (he) should be pushing back and saying it doesn’t work for us. It just seems to be a lot harder in real life.
The once or twice he has it hasn’t gone well, she actually burst into tears once and put on some sob story and then started accusing my DH of making no effort with her (we have considerably busier lives than her and he does what he can) he purposely made an effort the following week messaging her to see how she was and what she had been up to, she read it and didn’t reply.

It’s all so bizarre.