Scared of Commitment

[Robertron]

Hi all. Male and first time poster. I need advice or if anyone has experienced feeling similar to this.

I'm 38. GF 33.

Background. I left a long term abusive relationship 2 years ago. I ended up in unwell and have a restraining order in place. Wasn't a happy time.

I'm now dating someone who is basically perfect for me, and I'm certain I am for her. We're both sensitive, loving and enjoy each others company all the time. We've been seeing each other over a year now.

However, she is struggling to commit. To tell her family about me (she still lives with them) and she gets anxious if she's away from home too much. So she only stays over a couple of times a week.

I'm always called a 'friend' in public and she's worried if we post photos together (I respect that). She has anxiety about my ex I know that. And she admits she's extremely anxious about relationships. I can live with that but it's nothing that I have experience with so turning to here to see if anyone is similar to her?

We talk everyday. And I know she absolutely wants to be with me and exclusive. We're open and honest. When we're together she never wants to leave.

So basically. I'm confused. Is this 'normal' ? I can live with it but I need to learn more about it. Any similar experiences?

Tl;Dr I'm feeling insecure about my anxious new partner

She sounds like hard work. I wouldn’t have the patience to pander to somebody’s “anxieties” over letting people know we were a couple and actually trying to build a grown up relationship. And still living with parents in mid thirties suggests being a bit infantile generally. Honestly, I’d move on and find somebody who actually wants to be an adult and have a proper relationship with you.

Infantile maybe. And maybe I am being too patience. But anxiety is real, and I wouldn't say I'm pandering as I also like my own time and company. I'm more interested if anyone has either experienced something similar, or is similar

Hard to hear but she is not "perfect" for you. She has real issues with commitment and relationships and seems to be enmeshed with her family at the age of 33. Having to pretend you are just friends is very odd at that age.

That is a sign of serious obstacles in the way to your having what you want - a normal adult relationship of deepening commitment. There are deep-seated relationship dynamics and personality issues which are a real impediment.

It really should not be this hard! Most people are able to get together, test the water, say theyre a couple, move in together, get engaged, get married and have children in a series of reasonably natural progressions.

None of this is to blame your GF or take away from what I am sure are the many lovely things about her.

But you're in denial of a big chunk of reality I am afraid.

Thank you @Bumpsadaisie

You're absolutely right in many ways. And I've always thought it should be pretty simple. And while I know there is a lot of love, it does seem like her anxiety is holding back a more 'normal' relationship.

This is why I posted. Thank you

Is it anxiety, though, or is it just avoidance? I wouldn't be happy with this and I would wonder what she is scared of. It doesn't sound at all normal to me, I'm afraid.

Well, at least it’s probably a good thing that you like your own time and company, because it sounds like this relationship is going to give you a lot of that, as she certainly doesn’t sound as though she’s interested in taking it beyond the occasional dating and staying over a couple of times a week stage. If that’s what you’re also looking for, then it is indeed perfect.

I'm sure you're all very right, and I'm being quite ignorant to it all.

I've never experienced anyone with relationship anxiety before but its hard to know much about it, even via google, without having experienced it myself.

Has anyone here experienced it. Are you the person with the anxiety about relationships?

This isnt anxiety about relationships though, it just sounds as though she doesn't want to be with you in the same way you want to be with her, and youre putting pressure on her for it to be more, and that is causing her to pull back and become anxious.

Not all women are keen to jump to the next milestone, in the same way not all men are.

The reasons are somewhat irrelevant as it doesnt change the facts.

You just need to decide whether its something that you can live with, if youre wanting to move forward, its not right for you.

Walk away, your needs here are not her priority, and you need who wants the same timeline of progression and is proud to show you off.

@Anonapuss

This isnt anxiety about relationships though, it just sounds as though she doesn't want to be with you in the same way you want to be with her, and youre putting pressure on her for it to be more, and that is causing her to pull back and become anxious.

Not all women are keen to jump to the next milestone, in the same way not all men are.

The reasons are somewhat irrelevant as it doesnt change the facts.

You just need to decide whether its something that you can live with, if youre wanting to move forward, its not right for you.

Walk away, your needs here are not her priority, and you need who wants the same timeline of progression and is proud to show you off.

This is also great advice but my question wasn't about chasing milestones, It was about whether anyone had experienced a similar anxiety.

Presuming I'm putting pressure on anyone when you don't know is a bit odd. There is definitely no pressure and as I've clarified I'm quite happy with the way things are. I was asking a question about anxiety, and is very much driven by her telling me how anxious she is. I have absolutely no doubt she doesn't want to lose me.

I'm just trying to learn about her issues too see if it something I can deal with, and learn from. Or not. Isn't that a respectful thing to do?

@Robertron

Infantile maybe. And maybe I am being too patience. But anxiety is real, and I wouldn't say I'm pandering as I also like my own time and company. I'm more interested if anyone has either experienced something similar, or is similar

I'd say, if you really like her, give it a bit longer.

Good luck.