Ditched by long term friend

[needsomepeace321]

Feeling really sad about this and hoping to get some advice on how to deal with it.

I have (or had) a friend I've known since primary school, and we've been close friends since we were about 16, so more than two decades. We've supported each other through tough times and had a lot of fun together too. There have been periods where one of us moved away but we still kept in touch, and whenever we met up we would just pick up where we left off. I honestly thought we would be friends for life.

I noticed just before covid happened that she seemed a bit more distant and the conversation was a lot more stilted. She was also a bit tetchy about minor things, which she did apologise for. I asked her if everything was ok and she said it was.

Since covid happened she has disappeared from my life completely, even though I have tried to keep in touch. I found out from Facebook that she got engaged, that she had a virtual hen party (which I wasn't invited to) and that she got married and the ceremony was live-streamed to all her family and friends. Again I knew nothing about this.

I'm getting married myself next year and I thought she would be there with me, now I'm wondering if I should even invite her.

I just feel very hurt by the whole thing, it feels like all those years of friendship meant absolutely nothing to her.

I also lost another friend once she became a parent for the second time, she only hangs around with other mums now. I get that her time is limited, and I'm very respectful of that, but she's just not bothered with me anymore. So I'm just feeling really sensitive and low at the moment.

Anyone able to relate?

How often did you see each other pre-covid?

It might not be malicious, it might just be that you're not in each other's lives in the same way you used to be.

Have you spoken to her about this? Or congratulated her on the wedding or anything?

It sounds like she's just phased you out OP

I'm getting married myself next year and I thought she would be there with me, now I'm wondering if I should even invite her.

Of course you shouldn't invite her! She's not your friend. Why would you want her there after the way she treated you? She has completely dropped you and didn't invite you to her own wedding.

The only reason I have dropped long term friends is because they are consistently acting in a way that I find upsetting. Try to think back to when her behaviour changed. She sounds irritated with you from your description.

@AnyOldLion

How often did you see each other pre-covid?

It might not be malicious, it might just be that you're not in each other's lives in the same way you used to be.

About 3-4 times a year because we don't live in the same area, but this has been the case for ages and we always kept in touch in between.

It could be that as numbers are restricted due to covid she had to choose who could come, and I'm guessing she has closer friends that she sees in her day to day life.

@BrilliantBetty

Have you spoken to her about this? Or congratulated her on the wedding or anything?

No because I'm still kind of shocked that she didn't even tell me. I don't know what to say.

@AnyOldLion

It could be that as numbers are restricted due to covid she had to choose who could come, and I'm guessing she has closer friends that she sees in her day to day life.

I get not being invited due to covid, that's absolutely fine. It's not being told at all that it was happening, not being invited to a virtual hen and not even being told about the livestream for family and friends.

I hate this phasing out business. You would think that if someone was a close friend for so many years they would tell you if something was wrong. It's cowardly.

I'd have to message and ask if everything was ok.

She didn’t even tell you she got married. I’m afraid she has very much dropped you. I’m sorry. In your shoes I would just not bother any more.

Ive been ditched by a friend since I had a baby. She didn't like my babies name and hasn't spoken to me since my baby shower (in which she called my son a crotch goblin)

It is hurtful when this happens but the only thing to do is accept it and move on. You’ll have other friends. She presumably has her reasons for distancing herself from you, which she hasn’t explained, but ultimately people do what they want to do. As my Dad would say ‘leave her and just eat the chips’.

That sounds very painful, I wouldn’t contact her if it was me as difficult as this may be. Try and look at it as a good friendship thats run its course.

Thanks all. I do find it really painful and it's just baffling. I'm half tempted to send her a message but I know it's probably best to just leave it.

I think it would be fine to send a message to find out why she stopped contacting you.

You may not get a response though - or a response you'll like.

I had something similar happen to me and it was honestly like a bereavement at the time, even now I find it hurtful but I have come to the conclusion (over a decade on, mind you!) that she did me a favour because she clearly wasn’t my friend at all. It’s really hard but try to take the positive from it which is that you no longer have someone in your life who values you so little - you deserve better.

Is it worth sending a message to congratulate her and see what kind of response I get?

Personally I would leave it. Communication is a two way street and she’s chosen not to get in touch.

Don’t send a message. She is clearly a coward, so she won’t reply. She was too pathetic to tell you that she didn’t want to be friends with you any more, and she didn’t even have the courtesy to tell you that she was getting married, so why invite more hurt into your life?

Are you in your twenties? I noticed that quite a few old friendships dissolved in my late twenties/early thirties. People change and move on. You can’t take it personally, and if you see that somebody wants to move away from the friendship, you have to let them go.

I bet that you have plenty of other friends, and will make many more in the future. Don’t let this spoil your wedding.

I wouldn't contact her. I don't think any response will make you happy. I lost a friend I didn't invite to my wedding. We were tight on numbers and I couldn't invite everyone....so I didn't even tell people I couldn't invite. Consequently she found out quite close to the wedding and was obviously hurt. She hasn't contacted me since. It's a shame and maybe I should have gone about it differently. Unless that is the likely explanation maybe just move on.

I do feel for you. When I fell out with my best friend it honestly felt as painful as a romantic break up