Going NC with Dad and SM

[Dany165]

Hi, I am trying to decide what to do about my relationship with my dad's side of the family. Sorry it's long.

NR parent and I saw him every other weekend until I was about 14. Over time, this has become 3x yearly contact and with covid, once a year. He came to my wedding but has only met my husband a couple of times. His personality has changed unrecognisably since marrying my SM when I was 10 - he is now withdrawn, has no sense of humour and is very judgemental. He dislikes my career as it isn't in the sciences and he can't boast about a Russell Group university. SM is extremely judgemental and was very rude on my wedding day about my in laws as they are working class. My DH can't stand them but comes to visits to support me.

This far, I've held on to contact for the last ten years to build a relationship with my younger sister who is nearly 18. We get on well and she visited our house alone before covid for the weekend which was amazing. I don't really have a relationship with my youngest sister who is 14 - I wasn't really around when she was small though as the age gap is huge (I'm nearly 30).

We're expecting our first child and dad always makes a point about how low priority I am/unimportant e.g. visits are decided entirely around the dog rather than how far I can drive feasibly when 7 months pregnant, I phone them but they very rarely contact me outside of visits.

Do I let contact drift further after the visit planned for two weeks' time since my sister is now old enough to visit independently or do I wait till she finishes uni and moves out? I don't want to make things harder for her. I don't really want to encourage dad to pretend to be interested in his grandchild or have SM around her either. I wish the relationship was better, he used to be a lovely person but he's not like that at all anymore so I feel like I'm clinging on to something with no benefits for me. I have really strong relationships with my DMs family.

I'd stop getting in contact and making all of the effort.

OP it's a sad situation, your dad is obviously important and it would be good to have him in your life but I would just stop trying and change tack as what you're doing sounds draining and it's not working.

A relationship has to be reciprocal for it to work and yours isn't. Your dad doesn't seem very interested in a relationship with you and that's sad and hurtful. His wife sounds awful but he's colluding in her behaviour. If someone treated my daughter like that, especially at her wedding I'd be mortified.

Send him birthday and Christmas cards, send the occasional text, visit once a year if that's what you want to do but let go of the hope that your relationship will change as it won't.

Yes, let contact drift. Let your dad make the running if he wants to see you. You may find that the irritations intensify after your baby is born. You may be even less likely to want visits if the judgment extends to how you do parenting etc, for example. You might find you tend towards meet ups at neutral venues/ days out together. Occasionally!

However, why not continue to keep in separate, independent contact with your half sister? You don't need to go through her parents. You can invite or meet up with her as a person in her own right. Perhaps through her you can keep the door open for a relationship with the younger sister.

You might find this decision much easier after you have your baby - it tends to make you analyze your parents in a new light. It was that way for me anyway. When I saw him for what he was and how useless he was, it then became much easier to cut ties with my father and I haven't seen or spoken to him in about five years. He met my eldest child twice (she's five) but has never met my youngest.

No regrets life is easier without the angst he caused. Best of luck

Left go of him. It's incredibly hurtful to realise that a parent just isn't that interested in you. Don't put yourself through it any more.

Do you have a relationship with his parents? could that be a good way to maintain contact with your sister/s?

I can completely relate to that Recessed. And sorry for what you’ve been through

OP, I imagine this is taking up emotional energy you can ill afford to waste now and will be impossible once your baby is here. He’s a crap dad, he’ll be a disappointing grandad and while you think you’re prepared for that now you might be surprised at how much it hurts when it actually happens. You’ll look at your incredible new baby, know how adore them and wonder how on Earth your dad has treated you so coldly. It’s a painful eye opener for a lot of people.

I’d let it drift. Maintain a relationship with the 18 year old if you can do so without a cost to yourself - emotional or practical - and stop making any effort with your dad. He doesn’t deserve you.

Thanks for the advice. I don't see the point in even having a conversation to acknowledge the problem...I'll just let it drift further I think with a combination of 'that date doesn't work for us' and not taking the lead to initiate contact. It's hard - I wish he was still the great person he was when I was little but I'm just fooling myself. Thanks again :)

Sorry they suck OP

Focus on your baby and enjoying this special time. Choose to be around people who love and value you and your husband, one decent set of family is plenty.

Let him go. You have your own family now cherish and concentrate on them let your DS know you still wish to be part of her life. Your dad has made his choice. You make yours.

Breaks your heart doesn't it.

You might find after the birth that quite a lot comes back to you about your own parents. It can be quite unsettling especially when you've lost a good relationship through no fault of your own. Just worth being a bit aware.

I get you OP. Very similar situation to what I was once in. It’s draining making the effort continually. Many times I was on the verge of stepping back, only to think ‘one last chance’, and desperately trying to maintain a relationship with him. I pretty much wrote off a relationship with SM as she was so awful to me growing up. You just need to make the decision, and stick to it. If you have doubts or are half hearted it just won’t work. Once you have made the decision, and have stuck to it initially, it gets easier and is liberating. I think because I know I did everything I could to form a close bond with him before stepping back, I have accepted the situation more as I don’t feel ‘what if....’. Good luck with whatever you decide to do

@Dany165 I used to tell myself that my dad was a great dad before he married and moved away. Even in my third lot of counselling I was telling myself that I had a great dad when I was younger. I've now come to see that the story I told myself about my dad being a good dad when I was young was just a story. I'm not saying that you're doing the same thing, but maybe explore in your head about whether he really was such a great dad before age 10. Maybe he gave you just enough to appear like a good dad to your 10 yr old self.

@StarryNight468 thank you for your insight, I think he was a better person and an okay father. I don't blame my SM for the changes, he chose to retreat and he chose to put everything else first. That said, he was good to me when I was little because he passed on his love of crafts by teaching me, we had special ritual things we went to and he had a great sense of humour. He just seems like a shell - I've no idea whether depression plays a role...he has always been on the spectrum but now he is so different. I describe his sense of humour (which mine is quite similar) and my DH doesn't recognise the person he has met from that description. I know SMs get a lot of stick on here and she is not a nice person, but he chose to become who he is now and its pointless to blame her.