Wrongly accused of cheating

[Moutainwoman]

Morning all,

my husband and I are going through an awful divorce whilst still living together in the family home. We have many issues but I was willing to try anything to keep the family together (think trauma bonds)

However! He has always been jealous and paranoid and over the years we have gone out less and less and I have become smaller and smaller. A couple of years ago we went to a works party, a colleague who I do not work with directly, have no dealings with and is years and years younger than me, (more our children's age) apparently looked at me.

My husband after months of mulling this over decided we were having an affair, this has subsequently turned into he 'watched' me go outside at the party and shag said Colleague, he has also turned it into a four year affair(!!) since this is when he noticed I 'changed'.

He obviously wants to be the injured party in the break up of our family and this is the narrative he is heavily pushing (your mum is a cheating whore etc).

He has done much surveillance, recording, tracking, examination of devices and there is no evidence as I obviously haven't done anything.

The pain of being falsely accused, and have others believe is unbearable. I keep thinking he's going to wake up one day and realise I haven't done anything and everything is going to be alright. Has anyone ever been vindicated after the fact from false accusations of cheating? How did you prove yourself? I keep trying to think up ways to prove this to be untrue, but I can't prove something that never happened, Thank you for reading any genius ideas appreciated

He KNOWS you haven't done anything.

He just wants you to be tied up in desperately trying to prove you haven't. He wants you stiven round the bend trying to prove your innocence. That's what abusers do.

STOP trying to prove yourself. You dont owe this man any proof. Let him say what he likes. He is your ex, why give a fuck what he 'thinks'. Feel free to tell your kids 'daddy is off in his own world'.

But op, he knows you haven't cheated. Read Lundy bankrofts 'why does he do that?'. The author worked with abusive men for years and pointed out that accusing women of cheating was a common tactic. When he asked them if they believed it, they mostly said no, it was just important that she thought they did.

You will never be able to prove yourself to him because he wants to present you this way to people. He is a horrible man, who hates you. And make no mistake, he sees you as his enemy he wants to crush. Read up on the 'narcissists smear campaign'. Reduce contact to the minimum and only about the kids stuff. Cut anyone who believes his bs from your life too.

Also, surveillance? Has he been recording you without consent? If so, go to the police.

You stop beating yourself up and trying to make people believe you. You dont explain anything anymore at all.You dont even engage in any conversation as it is all too ridiculous.You dont need anyones vindication,anyone who knows you and loves you would believe it all to be lies in the first place.You have nothing to prove.I would shut down any conversation as soon as it starts,So say he brings it up today you say for the final time and this will be the very last time this is up for discussion,you can imagine anything you like but I know the truth and then leave it at that. No more discussion absolutely nothing at all on the subject. The people who love you and respect you will know its all bullshit made up and fabricated,they are the people you need to surround yourself with,The doubters are best left alone as they will not have your best interests at heart. Thats what I would do. Refuse to engage on the subject anymore put it to bed from your side and leave it...be like the Queen,use her motto it actually makes sence and works too..never explain never complain...if people have nowhere to go with a subject they soon shut up and move on,You could be asked about it a million times aday but if you do not respond then where can they go?? Nowhere!

And I forgot he still lives with you. Get out/him out of there asap. He is unhinged. This unhealthy relationship model will be being picked up by your kids. Dad being a crazy obsessive controlling creepy bully and mum taking it and acting as if she is in the wrong somehow and has to prove her innocence to this asshole. Get yourselves out of the environment, fast.

Your story is so similar to mine. He linked my phone to the laptop so he could track my location. Sat outside my work (and once chased a poor women down the ring road with a similar car to mine in the middle of the day) went through all my messages.

He knew I came on here and tracked me down on here because he thought I would be posting about my affair. He actually found my cry for help, because of his behaviour. Still didn't change anything. Luckily mners really supported me, because still thought he was right.

I ended up leaving because he was becoming scary. He managed to convince my 12 year old daughter that I was having an affair. Ds has autism and it went over his head. The q2 year old stopped talking to me and wouldn't come for visits for a short while. My parents believed him. My mums sisters and my best friend and her family were my support.

Anyway, we got divorced. 12 weeks after that he moved in with a new woman and her kids. 4 months later they split. Me and dd were back in touch. She saw what he was like with the new woman and realised it was lies.

He still thinks it now. My mum and dad don't believe it now, but its changed our relationship. That won't ever go back to what it was.

It all became easier when I realised it really didn't matter. I couldn't change what he said. I couldn't prove I wasn't having an affair. All the tracking of me, found nothing. Because there was nothing to find.

I had to accept that if people believed him that was their issue not mine. I know I didn't do anything wrong. I just had to carry on.

Oh and to top off the paranoia bingo I have had rambling texts from him, this morning about how the push back against the governor is starting and I need to stock pile food and water.

This is known as Pathological Jealousy/Morbid Jealousy/Othello Syndrome. It's a psychological disorder where one half of a partnership is convinced to the point of obsession that the other partner has been unfaithful or cheated despite no proof. He needs psychological help but he won't see that it's him with the problem.

Hopefully others can offer advise as to what you should do next as I don't have any personal experience of this, only factual (in the middle of a Psychology Degree).

More likely just to be common variety abuse @thedelirimum. Abusers use this tactic all the time. I'd vote cluster b personality disorder over a psychological disorder any time. Of course, either way, its not something op should hang around to figure out.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I know what you have said to be true and in rl I am honestly a rational professional. In my fantasy land I feel there must be something I could do to fix it, it's like a mental torture. In a way it is good that he has taken matters out of my hands and pushed forward. I hope things get better in the future but still coming to terms with my life is not going to be what I thought it was. I did buy Why Does He Do That this week coincidentally, its very helpful in gaining perspective!

Also, I have suggested he get some help and I would support him in this, but he is CONVINCED it is me who has the issues

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/machiavellians-gulling-the-rubes/201609/othello-syndrome-passion-can-be-pathological-and-deadly?amp

Fighting to 'vindicate' yourself is the wrong battle. You just need to focus on extricating yourself from him asap.

False cheating accusations are just another control tactic, and by engaging with him trying to prove it's false you are giving him power and control. It also won't help you break free of the trauma bond as it keeps you entwined with him.

Stop doing that and you immediately have more control.

You know the truth, that's all the matters.

I hope things get better in the future but still coming to terms with my life is not going to be what I thought it was.

That's a natural grieving process, it won't last forever.

Life not being what you thought or hoped is not the same as meaning it will be bad. Your future life could be better than you ever thought it would.

His behaviour is abusive. This is a continuation of that.

If he’s making claims to your DC, that’s also abusive, to them.

I'm so sorry I can't offer you any practical advice other than to make him leave your house but it's not that simple and I'm 99.9% sure he wouldn't because he believes he's the 'wronged party' and is probably in a state of jealousy psychosis. He truly believes what he thinks.

I'm sure there are so many others on here that can help far more than me, and they'll be a lot more informed than I am. In the meantime, this may be worth reading...

jaapl.org/content/jaapl/26/4/607.full.pdf

If he is of any threat to you I would however suggest getting the police involved, physical or mental threat.

It’s very hard living with a controlling, jealous and paranoid partner who won’t ever get help. They just will never see things as their fault and the other partner will always be to blame. They seem to get worse as time goes on too. I hope you can sort things out OP and I wish you well.

OP you don't need to prove yourself as you haven't done anything wrong. If he's using surveillance equipment, you need to get some help regarding this as it's stalking. You can contact the National Helpline or The National Stalking Helpline for advice: www.suzylamplugh.org/pages/category/national-stalking-helpline

Reset your phone to factory settings. Check your tablet and computer for sypware. Check your car. Take photos of any spyware in the house (small cameras).

If you do find that he's got cameras in the house or tracking devised on your car, I would report him to the police.

XDH was a bit like this - simplistically, he couldn't believe I was leaving him because he was a controlling selfish arsehole, it had to be because I was a shagging whore. (Also had to stay together in the same house for 14 months.)

It's hard to be on the receiving end and I don't have a magic wand to offer you, but what did help was when I stopped caring what he thought or said. Which was much easier when I wasn't living with him.

I hope you can separate very soon; if not grey rock/refuse to engage with him on the subject. If you think anyone else is beginning to believe it ask yourself if their belief is rational or emotional. If it's rational then you can explain the truth; if it's emotional (ie because they are blindly 'on his side') then they are not your friends and step away.

This too will pass. FWIW he and I are now both happily remarried to other nice people, and I have almost no contact with him at all.

@CrazyNeighbour

As I've said in my previous 2 posts, I can't give any personal advice only informative.

Psychiatrists have given it a name and reading up about it will help the OP understand that it isn't her fault and she doesn't need to prove anything. @Moutainwoman asked 'Has anyone ever been vindicated after the fact from false accusations of cheating? How did you prove yourself?'

The links show that it doesn't matter what she says or does, she will not be able to vindicate herself because (as the article says if you read it) it is virtually impossible as it is a mental illness.

That is why I've posted it.
That's why it may help to read it.
At no point have I said she should support it.
At no point have I said he can't help it.

I have said this is what he probably has. That is NOT the same as saying 'he can't help it, you should support him'. 🙄

My ex accused me of cheating with my friend's husband. Said he just knew and people had told him.

I told my friends, including my friend whose husband I was supposed to be cheating with and they just laughed and didn't believe it.

As above , he couldn't believe that the reason why I didn't want to sleep with him etc was because he was emotionally abusive and controlling so he kept thinking that I must be having sex with someone else.

My boyfriend is lovely, respectful, interested etc so I can't keep my hands off him.

Stop caring what he says and stop trying to defend yourself. Just ignore anything he says that isn't to do with the kids/house.

Your husband is mentally ill. Take your children and get away now. His obsession with you and your supposed affair is just as deranged as the man who thinks he is secretly married to Brittany Spears and she is sending him personal messages through your Tik-Tok videos.

You can't reason with him.
You can't defend yourself.
You can't prove your innocence.
You are in a dangerous situation that will only get more so, Leave now, Please.

Ah what an complete twat he is. I had a 24 year relationship with a jealous and possessive partner. Forever being accused of all sorts of things yet it was her who drunken one night stand with a bloke and something happened with a so called friend of mine. I remember at the end telling her not to judge me by her own shitty standards.
Perhaps that's what your husband is like, has he strayed at some point and thinks everyone's the same.

Ah sorry to hear that @marineboy67 there have been some strong indications over the years that he could have been unfaithful, but I've always just let it go in the end since the behaviour, while dodgy, wasn't concrete enough to put a bomb under our life. I've often wondered if he is just projecting his behaviour on to me!