Is this normal after abusive relationship?

[OrchidBloom82]

I left an abusive relationship a number of years ago. It was extremely emotionally abusive and controlling. Since then, I have had a number of ‘flings’, but never anything serious.

I met a new man around six weeks ago, and I really like him, but I feel like I’m in self destruct. I’m hyper sensitive to anything that could be perceived as a red flag, and I’m worried it’s going to drive him away. I have told him why, but I think he’s struggling to understand why something from ten years ago is still having such impact.

Has anyone else experienced the same? The confusion over where the line is over being wary of red flags and being overly paranoid about normal behaviour?

What type of things are triggering these memories?

Have you been to any therapy?

It's tricky. In some ways this is a good and protective response to trauma. Unfortunately a lot of men do not respect women's boundaries, and it's a common pattern once you've been in one abusive relationship not to recognise abuse patterns in future ones especial if they are different, so being cautious may be a good protective instinct. On the other hand you don't want it to destroy every relationship you might start!

It’s normal. You’re protecting yourself. I’ve been running a few things by friends because I’m doubting myself sometimes and I know I’m overly sensitive about any red flags. My friends and family insist that it’s much better I do this than dismiss red flags. It’s healthier. I joke that I’m like chandler in friends. It’s good to obtain perspective from people who care about you.

@Megasausagehead Just actually getting into a relationship again after more than ten years of being single.

BertieBotts no, never been to therapy. Read the Freedom books and a lot of other stuff. The statistics about the high rates of one abusive relationship leading to another is one of the things that makes me so wary.

What I personally found was that I was far more sensitive to actual red flags. They get my hackles up and I notice them much sooner. If actions and words don't match, trust your gut.

If things don't feel right trust your gut.

But that's my experience.

What you describe is completely normal after an abusive relationship. How does your partner react when you try talking to him about why you feel sensitive about certain things? If he is a nice guy, he will be very understanding and help you. I think if he is mean or difficult when you are being so vulnerable and open with him, you really deserve better. Everybody does!
Ps it is very hard to recover from domestic abuse and therapy will be very helpful for identifying your own patterns and helping to prevent future abuse, it’s really the best thing. I found the freedom programme group therapy really helpful as well.

What I personally found was that I was far more sensitive to actual red flags. They get my hackles up and I notice them much sooner. If actions and words don't match, trust your gut.

This is my worry. Am I seeing real red flags, or am I imagining things out of fear of getting back into an abusive relationship?

It sounds as if you may have developed PTSD as a result of that relationship, and it's now triggering what's called "hyper vigilance". This is fucking exhausting, isn't it?

Can you give any examples of the types of things that you are worrying are red flags? Because they might genuinely be red flags, or they might be just ordinary things that you haven't experienced for a while. Additionally, if you don't like some of his behaviour it's okay to say "I don't like this" and expect him to stop it (if it's something minor) or just walk away (if it's something major.)

• What you describe is completely normal after an abusive relationship. How does your partner react when you try talking to him about why you feel sensitive about certain things? If he is a nice guy, he will be very understanding and help you. I think if he is mean or difficult when you are being so vulnerable and open with him, you really deserve better. Everybody does! Ps it is very hard to recover from domestic abuse and therapy will be very helpful for identifying your own patterns and helping to prevent future abuse, it’s really the best thing. I found the freedom programme group therapy really helpful as well.*

He’s absolutely lovely when I mention it, so I end up feeling guilty about probably reacting over the top to things.

I actually looked into the Freedom Programme last year but it wasn’t running where I am due to Covid. I did buy and read the book though.

My friends keep telling me I need to ‘get over it’ if I don’t want to wreck things with him, but I just can’t.

Can you give any examples of the types of things that you are worrying are red flags?

He said a couple of insulting things ‘jokingly’ early on. I said I didn’t like it, it wasn’t funny etc. He said he understood, apologised and said he teases everyone similarly (I can take teasing and this sounded more like insults) and would stop (we have a good mutual friend and she confirmed he did do this to other people too). He did stop the next time I saw him, but it’s happened another couple of times even though I’ve told him I can’t deal with it. I also was in the pub and we’d had a round of shots and there was a spare one (I’d paid), and I said ‘I’ll have that’ and he said ‘no you won’t’.

I react really badly to it and I’m scared I’m going to push him away because it’s too much drama for him.

It’s hard to say without examples. As @EvenMoreFuriousVexation said it could be hyper vigilance. Perhaps you missed early signs of abuse in that earlier relationship and now have swung completely the other way to be picking up everything. I so understand it. It makes you suspicious of everybody and everything. It’s all about working out your own personal boundaries. I’m a great believer in ‘if it doesn’t feel right’ …. Your gut is your best barometer.

Sound like red flags to me.

I mean if this is him on his best behaviour???

I think your wanker radar is working fine x

I hope what I'm going to say is helpful, although it's perhaps not what you want to hear.

I was in a similar situation. Fast forward a few months and I was always beating myself up, apologising to him, he said I needed therapy (and not in a nice way).

Long story short the new guy was way worse than the old one (both violent, the second left me for dead).

It wasn't me being oversensitive to red flags. It was that I was still attracted subconsciously to the same type, and the new guy used his knowledge of my past to gaslight me.

Now I'm not at all saying you're in this situation but if something upsets you, then you're upset. If little hints at this early stage of being controlling, dismissive or belittling are there...it could be you're very right to wonder how things will play out.

My advice would be to slow things down, share as little as possible about the past relationship (abusers love to hear you've put up with shit before...means you're a soft touch), keep pointing out behaviours you don't like, observe, observe, observe and please don't let friends presume to know whether this is a good guy or not...they just do not know.

Best of wishes.

If friends are saying you need to “get over it” then they’re not looking out for your best interests and I wouldn’t trust their judgement on this guy.

Also the fact he’s insulting both you and other people shows he’s not a nice person. You shouldn’t tolerate someone treating you like shit because they treat other people like shit too. You’ve told him you don’t like it and yet he’s done it again which is a clear sign that he doesn’t respect you. Dump him and find someone who doesn’t insult others to try and be funny or make himself feel superior by putting others down.

I think you need to trust your instincts.

He did stop the next time I saw him, but it’s happened another couple of times even though I’ve told him I can’t deal with it. I also was in the pub and we’d had a round of shots and there was a spare one (I’d paid), and I said ‘I’ll have that’ and he said ‘no you won’t’.

I think you're picking up on genuine red flags.

Stop panicking about "driving him away" and start questioning why you're trying to ignore your own instincts.

I've been in the same situation, currently in therapy for the trauma of my abusive relationship. I'm definitely hyper vigilant & was seeing threats that weren't there (genuinely). None of the things that I was reacting to are what you've described & my hackles would definitely be up in those situations if it were me.

Wanker Radar 🤣

He did stop the next time I saw him, but it’s happened another couple of times even though I’ve told him I can’t deal with it. I also was in the pub and we’d had a round of shots and there was a spare one (I’d paid), and I said ‘I’ll have that’ and he said ‘no you won’t’.

This doesn't sound good to me. You've set a boundary - that you don't like "banter" (ugh hate that word) and you find it hurtful. He's said sorry, stopped doing it temporarily (so that you continue seeing him) and then reverted to type. By any chance did he revert after a significant point in the relationship like agreeing to be exclusive, first time in bed or exchanging "I love you"?

I used to know a man who insulted everyone and thought it was funny. He was a "friend" of my then partner. The first time I met him, he was ranting on about some total bollocks and I called him on it. He said "Alright big tits, keep your hair on." I came to realise that far from being a friend to my partner, he was actually bullying him (and everyone else on the pub darts team.) Horrible, odious little cunt.

I think your instincts are spot on. I'd throw him back.