I don't know how to be normal

[Isthiswhatdrowningislike]

I guess the subject says a lot.

Without my full life story, I've always struggled to fit in, from school I was bullied to the point where I was homeschooled for a significant period. Relationships have always turned abusive, either physically, mentally or both. Work? Same pattern... To put it bluntly, I'm what you would describe as a "perennial victim".

A couple of years ago, I met the most amazing person I've ever met and now I'm really struggling because I don't know how to react to that, for the first time in my life, I've been happy but I can't help but take every single arguement to heart, every single comment I turn into a negative, I turn into the worst possible scenario and in turn, I make them miserable because I'm always on edge about everything and I started to become extremely needy. I have absolutely no idea how to act around someone that's nothing like anyone else I've ever had in my life, I have worked on this and I'm getting a bit better with it but I'm so scared I'll push them away before I fix this because I can't control my emotions, I have absolutely no idea how to fix things, every time I try and do something to fix things, I make it worse because I'm trying so hard, I've spoken to them about this but it's hard to communicate this and it's hard to put this across without it A) looking like an excuse for me acting like I do and B) looking like I'm some emotional trainwreck (I might be biased but I'm not one of these, I have so much love to give for them, I just don't know how to express it properly)

I feel like every single person that's ever screwed me over (and there is an extremely long list) is just continuing to achieve what they wanted to for all those years. I am alone at the moment and basically I have no one else to use as a sounding board, I guess I just needed to get that off my chest but if there's any advice, I'm all ears

Being a victim is often a role with characteristics and behaviour patterns. I'd recommend therapy to help you step back and reflect on this and to help you widen your perspective of situations around you.

Victims tend to think life has been unfair specifically to them, rather that life is not fair and bad things can happen to anyone. Victims want all things to be fixed, without considering that there are things we have to learn to live with and priorities for our limited time.

It's impossible to change others and hard to change ourselves, but having a wider perspective can reduce victimhood and build resilience.

It’s a well known phenomenon that abusive people target those who they can tell have been abused before. So it’s not so much that you’re a ‘perennial victim’ but that these types can sense that you’re a loving and giving type and they want what they can get from you. So please don’t in any way take on the blame for the way these people have treated you throughout your life. But do build up your ‘shark cage’ to keep them out in future.

My first instinct is to say that this person is NOT the most amazing person unlike anyone else in the world. They may well be lovely but by putting them on a pedestal you are giving them the power over you that all your past abusers have had. You need to be able to get yourself on a level with this person, so that neither you nor they are any better than the other, that you feel worthy and valued, not like an imposter or somehow ‘lesser than’ your partner.

I know that’s easier said than done, but I know from past experience that when I’ve felt unworthy is when I’ve been the most difficult to be around. By growing to believe that I am a prize too, and that actually without my DP I’d be absolutely fine, I’ve been able to relax somewhat about our relationship. There’s still times when I get upset about seemingly small things, usually because of feeling unimportant or forgotten. But in normal everyday life I am much more confident in myself and I do think that is essential to be able to have an equal and loving relationship.

I know it’s a cliche that you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you, but it’s so true.

@Enough4me

Being a victim is often a role with characteristics and behaviour patterns. I'd recommend therapy to help you step back and reflect on this and to help you widen your perspective of situations around you.

Victims tend to think life has been unfair specifically to them, rather that life is not fair and bad things can happen to anyone. Victims want all things to be fixed, without considering that there are things we have to learn to live with and priorities for our limited time.

It's impossible to change others and hard to change ourselves, but having a wider perspective can reduce victimhood and build resilience.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that it's not fair and that life is against me, the point there was more to give context, I'm fully aware of how shit life in general is and I feel terrible for even feeling the way I do because there are people out there that are so much worse off than I am, it's not so much that I'm pitying myself, I was just adding in the fact that my past is haunting me in the sense that I can't help but overreact, having met someone so amazing has scared me because it's unfamiliar, it's not something I'm used to and I don't know how to deal with it was more the main theme.

But thank you, I will have a look into therapy

Feeling a victim and idolising anyone is not healthy, but it is extremely hard to break thoughts and behaviours that you are used to.. It's good you're considering therapy to read the cycle.

@Enough4me

Feeling a victim and idolising anyone is not healthy, but it is extremely hard to break thoughts and behaviours that you are used to.. It's good you're considering therapy to read the cycle.

The most frustrating part of it all is that I know exactly what's happening, I know when I'm getting anxious, I know when I'm doing the wrong thing but I have absolutely no idea how to resolve that, I bottled up the anxiety for ages but I have no idea how to react sometimes and it just happens, I think I need to learn to step out of a situation before I react, it's so strange because I'm so outgoing on the surface but I've never been able to form a proper connection with many people.

Although, I must admit, I feel better for the replies and just getting things out from inside my own head, pretherapy therapy.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

It’s a well known phenomenon that abusive people target those who they can tell have been abused before. So it’s not so much that you’re a ‘perennial victim’ but that these types can sense that you’re a loving and giving type and they want what they can get from you. So please don’t in any way take on the blame for the way these people have treated you throughout your life. But do build up your ‘shark cage’ to keep them out in future.

My first instinct is to say that this person is NOT the most amazing person unlike anyone else in the world. They may well be lovely but by putting them on a pedestal you are giving them the power over you that all your past abusers have had. You need to be able to get yourself on a level with this person, so that neither you nor they are any better than the other, that you feel worthy and valued, not like an imposter or somehow ‘lesser than’ your partner.

I know that’s easier said than done, but I know from past experience that when I’ve felt unworthy is when I’ve been the most difficult to be around. By growing to believe that I am a prize too, and that actually without my DP I’d be absolutely fine, I’ve been able to relax somewhat about our relationship. There’s still times when I get upset about seemingly small things, usually because of feeling unimportant or forgotten. But in normal everyday life I am much more confident in myself and I do think that is essential to be able to have an equal and loving relationship.

I know it’s a cliche that you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you, but it’s so true.

I love this. Unfortunately, they left me tonight - I knew it was coming but it doesn't make you any less distraught

And the person you're dating definitely isn't doing anything to trigger this behaviour? There's nothing brewing in the background to make you behave in this way?

Has the relationship ended? I’m sorry to hear that

@OliviaNewtAndJohn

Has the relationship ended? I’m sorry to hear that

Unfortunately so, I tried so hard to get things under control but I guess they couldn't deal with it any longer.

I knew it was coming for a week, I just hated thinking it'd happened.

It sounds like you are not ready for a relationship yet.
It's not fair in yourself, or the other person to either put them on a pedestal or be on edge all the time. You don't want to be one of those people who think everyone is "screwing them over" that's no way to live.

Are you doing anything to analyse your issues, getting therapy or even just self care and working on yourself?
Before you have a healthy relationship, and before you can find a healthy person to have a relationship with you need to be in a good place too.

Have a look at and a read of this article to help you better understand yourself.

I’d definitely recommend some therapy. Childhood bullying is traumatising, especially to the extent you had to leave school altogether. It will have blown a hole in your self-esteem and it will have made it very hard to hold healthy boundaries with others. A good therapist will not only give you space to work through what troubles you, they will act as a crucible whereby you can experience the relationship with them as almost a ‘test’ relationship knowing that they won’t abandon you but will work patiently with you to explore what is going on between you.

I’m sorry the relationship ended. It sounds like you took a step towards a different kind of relationship from the past, so try to keep hold of that awareness.