Absolutely at breaking point

[Bonbon85]

I LTB for controlling abusive behaviour. Over a year down the line and things are nowhere near sorted financially or with the children.
He's depressed and threatening to walk out of his life and says its all my fault. That he's got nothing left and wants me to go back. He's stopped the DS from doing his footie and refuses for me or anyone else to help. He's clearly depressed but won't accept help.
He phones for hours on end and everytime I come off the phone I feel like I can't cope anymore. It was bad with him and he's making it more miserable without. I can't have a future and there's no way out. No help. I've cancelled my holiday so I can be around in case he walks out and leaves DS alone.

How old are the kids first of all?

If he is genuinely likely to walk out and leave him (or worse), then you need to stop the DCs from going there for the time being. It's more likely that this is just exaggerated to effect a continuation of his controlling abusive behaviour, in all honesty, - see how he fucked up your holiday plans? So he needs to shit or get off the pot, basically.

Either he's depressed and suicidal, in which case he gets help, or he's not, in which case he resumes being a proper father to his children and leaves you alone to get on with your life.

Stop being his sounding board. You can't give him the help he claims to need.

You'd of been better off taking your DS on holiday with you than cancelling. There's an 'end call' button on your phone, you don't have to talk to him. It sounds like you are having problems detaching from him, he's not your responsibility.

Why the fuck are you talking to him on the phone for hours? You have better things to do with your life. He can call the Samaritans.

OP can't you see that this is an extension of his controlling behaviour? With you on the phone for hours, you're still doing what he wants and he knows exactly where you are - he's manipulating you with this shit.

If he wants to walk, let him walk. How is he stopping his child from playing football? Is it because of money? Is there a bursary available for that from the club? ie is there a way around that?

Here's a plan of action:

Hand the responsibility for Reggie back to his parents. Call them and say he's depressed and needs help.
Divert his number to answer machine. That means your phone won't ring but he can leave messages
Watch out that his behaviour doesn't escalate when he realises he's losing control
Do the Freedom Programme for help and support
If he threatens to kill himself, dial 999 and send an ambulance
If you think he's going to harm your children then perhaps go through a contact centre which means that he can't just walk out on them or arrange for his child contact at his parents

OP you need to take back control here.

Thanks for the advice. He doesn't have parents or any alive relatives any more and no real mates. Therefore no support at all.

He thinks that DS's footie is too time consuming and won't let me or anyone else take on his days. He hates lift sharing and won't be "beholden to anyone". Training is 5 days a week and we have 4 kids so I think that is a bit of a burden. But I could make it work but I don't have DS full time. And the Ex hates any activities with a rigid timetable - he thinks twice a week max is ok - anythign else impinges on his freedom and family time

Find some other football training that isn't so time consuming and take him on your days.
Stop talking on the phone.
If he threatens suicide then call the police for a welfare check. Him having no support is not your problem.
You need to toughen yourself up (not easy of course) you deserve a good life without his drama but you will have to protect it.

@Bonbon85

Thanks for the advice. He doesn't have parents or any alive relatives any more and no real mates. Therefore no support at all.

He thinks that DS's footie is too time consuming and won't let me or anyone else take on his days. He hates lift sharing and won't be "beholden to anyone". Training is 5 days a week and we have 4 kids so I think that is a bit of a burden. But I could make it work but I don't have DS full time. And the Ex hates any activities with a rigid timetable - he thinks twice a week max is ok - anythign else impinges on his freedom and family time

OP what is your plan on how to deal with this? You said you're at breaking point. I gave you some suggestions on how to handle it as it is obviously affecting you.

You obviously can't continue like this so what are you going to do?

His mental health is his problem as he's a grown adult. He needs to see his GP or phone the Samaritans. You need to woman up here and stop taking his calls, start to protect your own mental health and put some boundaries in place.

If you have difficulty doing that then read up on assertiveness and perhaps get some help with boundary setting. Stop taking his calls. Work something else out regarding the football if you can, if not, the sky won't fall down. Focus on what's important. You are the one picking up the phone, you are the one using your mouth and ears to talk, you are the one putting up with his bullshit. You are the one who can stop.

Why have you cancelled your holiday? He is using his mh to control you and by extension dc. Where were the other dc supposed to be? For ds to do five days training suggests he might be quite good, how does he feel about dropping it.

You're no longer in a relationship. He's someone you need to be on speaking terms with because you have children, but you don't owe him anything.

I agree with the others - he's still controlling and manipulating him.

• Communicate about the children only. There's really no need to speak on the phone at all.
• Find a different football team for your DS. Unfortunately your Ex will always be unreliable, so don't arrange anything that will fall on his days.
• If you think Ex is suicidal, it's irresponsible to leave the kids with him. Take legal advice on how to handle this if there's a contact order in place.

You say he doesn't have any other friends to help him... well, who's fault is that? You reap as you sow. Relationships take effort to maintain and you can't just take, take, take all the time. Don't sacrifice your mental health on the alter of his selfishness. He's an adult - he needs to manage his own life without leaning on you.

*manipulating you.

There's a reason he's got no mates, and that's got nothing to do with you.

Have a think about why, if nobody else in the world has bothered to stick by him, you should be the one who is miraculously expected to have the super powers to support him.

This is that reverse ego thing: Who exactly do you think you are, to be the only one who can be there for him? Get off the pedestal. He's rubbish. You can't do anything about that. All you can do is withdraw so that your life doesn't get rubbish-tarnished.