Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Stuck feeling like my life is on hold because I've never had a relationship

23 replies

MidMorningLatte · 26/07/2021 22:03

I'm 28 now and I really do feel so left behind. I've kissed men but that's all, and embarrassingly I've never actually kissed the same man more than once. I'm watching all my peers settle down, and that's what I want.

I'm sick of the recommendations to take up hobbies and volunteer. I'm sick of people telling me that no relationship is better than a bad relationship. I'm sick of being ghosted and small talk and all of it.

It's so fucking unfair.

OP posts:
losingtheplotslowly · 26/07/2021 22:08

Omg @MidMorningLatte. This is me 100%. However I am 45. Blush

Sarahlou63 · 26/07/2021 22:12

Yes, life is not 'fair'. It's just life. So what are you doing to actively achieve your goal?

AbstractHeart · 26/07/2021 22:13

Are you being proactive? I went on literally hundreds of dates before I found DH. If you want something then you have to go out and get it, don't just sit around feeling sorry for yourself and expecting it to fall in your lap!

MidMorningLatte · 26/07/2021 22:16

I'm sorry losingtheplot. It sucks.

I am

  • plugging away at OLD
  • going to therapy
  • taken up a new gym class
  • saying yes to all social invitations

in addition to also trying

  • volunteering
  • evening classes
  • other OLD sites

And it feels like only my life is turning out this way, because every other person I know has had a relationship. It IS unfair.

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 26/07/2021 22:23

Are you doing all these things because you want to, or because you think you should?

What excites you? What do you fantasise about? Or (gawd forbid!) think about when/if you masturbate? (You don't need to answer that but you do need to think about it).

Bonjour2021 · 26/07/2021 22:35

Are you approaching men during the social activities? Are you on any dating apps? Don't forget about other areas of your life which bring you happiness otherwise being single will drive you crazy.

MidMorningLatte · 26/07/2021 22:43

I've just reached the point where nothing is compensating for the loneliness. I've tried all that, I do all that.

OP posts:
Maze76 · 26/07/2021 22:45

Please don’t take this the wrong way, I’m 44, so I have a few years experience on you. You sound desperate to settle down, and I’m guessing that when you go on dates, this may come across and potentially scare them off.
My advice would be to stop watching the clock, Date but go with the intention of just having a good time, having a nice meal, lunch ,coffee date , whatever.
Once you relax, you will find that people will be drawn to you, this will lead to second & third dates and at some point, you will meet your life partner.

AbstractHeart · 26/07/2021 22:46

Are you focusing on the paid OLD sites? The free apps are full of time wasters.

Have you tried speed dating?

MidMorningLatte · 26/07/2021 22:51

The paid sites were a bit crap when I last looked, and the same men were on the free sites anyway.

I haven't tried speed dating yet.

Date but go with the intention of just having a good time, having a nice meal, lunch ,coffee date , whatever

Someone gave me this advice a few years ago and I thought it was great, and I do try to do that, but I can't even match and maintain a conversation with anyone reasonable recently. Most men also don't want to do anything but drinks.

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 26/07/2021 22:56

Guess my question was a bit OTT for you, sorry. A bit softer, what do you bring to a relationship?

MidMorningLatte · 26/07/2021 23:01

It was a bit personal, yes.

I am a good cook.
I like trying new things, especially with someone who is confident.
I'm interested in lots of different things.
I am generally quite good with people and can keep a conversation going.
I can be quite funny.
Dogs and small children like me.
I take care to look after myself.

OP posts:
Bonjour2021 · 26/07/2021 23:23

Have you let friends etc know you are looking for a partner and see if they know anyone they can recommend?

todaysdilemma · 26/07/2021 23:54

Well, you're certainly doing all the right things. Some people just meet their partners later in life. It doesn't follow a fixed time line. It might also help to expand your social circle to make more friends who are single, so you can fight the loneliness, and not only be surrounded by couples. You might find you care less about it, when it's not rubbed in your face constantly.

What seems to be the blocker when dating for things progressing?

palslondon · 27/07/2021 17:54

I'm sorry your feeling this way, I know how it feels and it isn't great. I was in a similar position last year when I was the only single one in my friendship group. 28 seems young to be on OLD, have you tried the apps Hinge or Bumble?

WaitinOnASonnyDay · 27/07/2021 18:14

What sort of therapy are you doing and have you uncovered any reasons why you struggle with relationships?
Do you have friends? If so have you asked them for advice/feedback on this issue?
What was your relationship with your parents like, did you make friends easily in school?

TalkingFeminism · 27/07/2021 18:51

You mention in your post that you have only ever kissed men. Here's a direct question, which the anonymity of the internet helps - why?

Depending on the answer to that question, this suggestion might not sit with your ethics or morals! But I wonder whether you need to focus on having fun: hanging out with men and going on dates, etc, with no expectation that you will end up in a relationship.

This does not mean one night stands with randoms!! Fun can mean that you have some flirty friendships, or a "friends with benefits" situation where you genuinely like and admire a person, and have a sexual attraction to them, but do not see the person as boyfriend material.

You might also try talking with a therapist and/or a candid friend about how you interact with men. Are you good at flirting and signalling your interest? Have there been men in whom you've been interested, and if so, what happened? etc etc

Finally, if a lot of your friends are settling down, you probably need to make some new friends too. From personal experience I can recommend single women of all ages, and older women (say 45+) who aren't in the throes of weddings, pregnancy and child-rearing. You are in a different life stage to your friends, and this can make you feel very lonely on a practical and existential level. Hanging with a new crowd can help make you feel less abnormal.

Hazelnutwhirl · 27/07/2021 23:42

This is me also, I have spent the past ten years trying to meet someone by doing OLD, new hobbies, meet up, volunteering, blind dates going to ever social occasion I am invited too and have gotten no where! I think men just don’t find me attractive. Just keep trying all the things you are doing, I wish I had worked a bit harder to find someone as now it’s too late 🙁 for me.

InteriorDesignHell · 28/07/2021 12:06

Did you go to uni?
Have you ever been in love?

Conkergame · 28/07/2021 12:34

OP you will get lots of suggestions as people like to feel that getting into a relationship is within their control and was because of something they did, rather than pure dumb luck. People can’t handle the fact that with just a bit of bad luck they would be in the same position as you! The truth is - not everyone meets someone!

I was in a similar situation to you - I had had a couple of relationships when I was younger but then was single for most of my twenties as all my friends settled down around me. I did ALL the right things - took care of myself and my appearance, took up hobbies, lived in a big city and said yes to every invitation I was given, did OLD, dating apps, asked to be set up on blind dates, tried actively dating people who weren’t my “type”, tried FWB (this didn’t work and just hurt me, DONT do anything sexually you’re not comfortable with!), focussed on other things so settling down didn’t become an obsession. But the loneliness ended up becoming crippling.

All my friends said they couldn’t understand why I was single - I’m decent looking, good figure, friendly and fun person with a good job and plenty of friends. It just didn’t happen for me!

How I dealt with it in the end - I accepted that it wasn’t going to happen for me and focussed on “plan B” for my life. I had a bit of break down around my 30th birthday, which coincided with the year a huge number of my friends got married and a couple started having kids. I essentially felt almost suicidal. Then I had a bit of an epiphany - I can either see it as my life hasn’t worked out and end things, which would be such a waste, or I could see it as my life isn’t going the way I planned…so time to get a new plan!

I thought about what I wanted most and realised it was children. So I started making plans to go down the adoption route (after looking into sperm donation and deciding it wasn’t for me). I planned to move close to my parents for help and to move to more of a family style home. I was also going to switch jobs to one with more family friendly hours. During this planning period I totally forgot about wanting a partner, I mean totally! It no longer crossed my mind at all and I was fully focussed on meeting the adoption criteria.

Of course, that was when DH entered my life! Totally unexpected and honestly I was very unsure for the first few months as I was now fully invested in my adoption plan and DH was a bit of a distraction from that! So it worked out well for me as we’ve been together 5 years now (married for 2). I still pinch myself sometimes in disbelief that he’s mine! HOWEVER… I know I would have been fine if he hadn’t turned up as I was so happy and focused on my new plan I no longer needed a relationship to feel fulfilled. It also gave me time to meet someone a lot later, after my child bearing years had passed.

Best of luck; you will find your path eventually!

WaitinOnASonnyDay · 28/07/2021 13:19

@Conkergame
I totally disagree that it is down to luck.
I would say it's mainly down to belief systems and subsequent patterns of thinking that have been ingrained in us from birth predominantly by our parents.
Even in your own story, when you removed the belief that you MUST find a partner to make your life fulfilled you probably became more open to a relationship because that sense of desperation wasn't there.

Conkergame · 28/07/2021 13:32

@WaitinOnASonnyDay that desperation only came after years of not being too bothered but still doing all the right things!

WaitinOnASonnyDay · 28/07/2021 14:36

@Conkergame
You might have been doing (or trying to do) all the right things consciously but subconsciously it may have been a different story.
Sorry if it seems like I'm picking you ... it's taken me 30 years of lots of different types of therapy and self-analysis to understand what I believe about myself.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page