How to get through to drinking/potentially depressed husband

[greenpalmsea]

My DH seems to have issues with drinking (he's down to about a bottle a night, which is an improvement). He stays up most nights until 3am sometimes later gets up when he wants (11am). I therefore have no help with our two kids (5&8) in the morning and I put lots of effort into entertaining them after school/ weekends, as well as working 30 hours a week. I am constantly 'on it'. From waking up late DH plays catch up with his work, and arses around at the weekend if I haven't planned something. It's not all terrible, he's pretty good at contributing to cooking in the evening (4 nights a week), ordering the food shop and always helps in the evening with the kid's bedtime. The kids love him. He used to be a great husband, but since his way of life of drinking, watching tv by himself in the evening and leaving much of general 'life stuff' to me, I obviously feel differently (mostly angry and disappointed in him). I've asked him numerous times if he needs to see a doctor, get counciling for drinking or depression, but he says he's 'just acting stupid' and will change. But never does. How do I encourage him to change? How can I stop feeling so angry with him for not contributing? I don't want to introduce the idea of divorce as I can't imagine doing it when the kids are so young, so what ultimatum should I offer? Thanks in advance. (Even if I get no replies it's been useful to write it all down!)

How can I stop feeling so angry with him for not contributing?

Totally the wrong question. You should be feeling angry with him for not contributing! That's normal and healthy. You're basically asking "how can I make myself unhealthy in order to accommodate his unhealthiness, because my perfectly normal and healthy boundaries won't allow me to tolerate it".

I don't want to introduce the idea of divorce as I can't imagine doing it when the kids are so young, so what ultimatum should I offer?

I can't image there's any other ultimatum that will have any effect. You've already spoken o him and been lied to several times. He's an alcoholic who won't admit there's any problem and lies about changing his ways. An ultimatum is just that, an "ultimate" thing, it's not a half arsed "I'll tolerate some shit just not all of it" type thing.

You're currently accepting his behaviour. Therefore he has no incentive to change. Saying you don't accept it and then putting up with it anyway, is accepting it. You need to decide if you want to live with an alcoholic or not. I've done it and I don't recommend it.

The 3cs of alcoholism are as follows:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You cannot encourage him to change. You are in a relationship with an alcoholic and those tend to go one way - downwards. Only he can decide if he wants to stop drinking and your husband shows no indication of doing this. All you are doing by being there now is further propping him up and enabling him. Enabling only gives you a false sense of control and does not help him. His primary relationship is with drink and his thoughts centre around where the next drink is going to come from. For your part you are playing the usual roles here associated with such spouses- codependent partner, enabler and provoker (because you never forget).

Get off this merry go around permanently before your children are even more harmed by what is happening at home. You cannot protect your children here from their dads alcoholism whilst you are under the same roof, in turn they see your reactions both spoken and unspoken to their dad. Do not further do your bit here to teach them such damaging lessons on relationships .
Protect your children from a childhood with their alcoholic father, this is no legacy to leave them. They do not need to have alcoholism in their lives. Staying with him
for what are really no reasons at all will merely further damage you and your children who will become far more aware as they get older. Make the break now, they will adjust to you two being apart day to day. Divorce when the process is adversarial can do damage but remaining with an alcoholic parent will damage and haunt them far beyond childhood. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, did you see an alcoholic parent too?

Do contact Al-anon and get support from them too as well as seeking legal advice re separation and divorce. Knowledge is power

What is his mood?
Anger at life/himself/ parents or whoever
Bored
Bereavement
Sad
What?

I don't want to introduce the idea of divorce as I can't imagine doing it when the kids are so young, so what ultimatum should I offer?

You really need to rethink this. It's hugely damaging for your children to grow up with an alcoholic. Think about the model of relationships you're providing them with.

Of course the children love him, children are basically hard-wired to love their parents - it doesn't mean that living with an alcoholic father is good or healthy for them.

You should also be aware that alcohol is a depressant and he may well be self medicating with alcohol. Again this is no life for your children to be witness to either and you for your own part are as caught up in this almost as much as he is. Get off the merry go round.
Unless you are fully prepared to act on an ultimatum do not issue it. These can only be issued one time, repeated ultimatums lose all their power.

Thanks for replies Attilia and Meerkat, really useful insights and thought provoking.

Attilia - you mentioned what relationships I observed growing up. I came from a very loving supportive family, though my father was an alcoholic. He died 15 years ago from something unrelated, but I could see that it was completely brushed under the carpet and we would never speak of it. I suppose I am completely copying what my mum used to do, which was to 'keep calm and carry on'.

I will definitely speak to Al-Anon. I've been meaning too. I suppose I don't want to accept his position of a alcoholic.

In response to your question on why he's sad, I really don't know, he's got a great relationship with his parents (who are lovely), luckily he's had not bereavements, despite him sometimes not enjoy work he's got promotions and is doing well. I think he's bored, and drank to pass the time and now it's a issue.

What's he currently drinking? A bottle of wine or a bottle of vodka?

He's drinking wine. To be fair he's cut down over the past few months from more than a bottle of wine a night (he used to be sick every 2 weeks but hasn't for a while now). He also used to sneak it/ hide it, but I feel that's stopped. A bottle a night, and bed at 3am too much in my eyes though.

It's defo too much, I agree.

Reason I was asking was to see if he was physically dependant on the alcohol (a bottle of vodka he would be). Sounds like he isn't and can cut down safely at home.

But you can't make him. He needs to want it himself.

His possible boredom needs to be tackled.

"Get help or leave".

You have a responsibility to your DC.

This is going to be hard, do you have support IRL?