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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don’t know what to do

9 replies

Chrle98 · 26/07/2021 21:29

I feel so torn. I don’t know how to write this down. I am so in love with my partner who I have 2 under 2 with. But I cry every day. He has been on dating sites since the start off. Messaging other girls and picture messages at the beginning and saying it was because he didn’t love me then. Recently he met with another girl who is 19 (he is 24, me 23) for a run. He lied to me about what happened. I was told he was asked by a guy and was told she would come and he felt bad saying no. I was told it was after work. But I found out it was his day off (when he was meant to come to me- we didn’t live together at the time) with the children and that he approached her asking what pace she runs at, then saying he is the same. So to me I told him it was a date: am I overreacting? It wasn’t even him I got this information from. But the girl. He told me not to ask her or he’ll have to leave his job and go back to his family and not be here with me. He ended up telling me he asked 8 other people before him. I don’t know what to believe. I know I shouldn’t but I couldn’t help myself- his history on YouTube isn’t great. Watching videos of girls ‘sexy’ videos. Maybe I’m overreacting. He told me under a week ago that he’s never been in love with me. That he’ll never leave me because he loves me. But has wondered about 10 times in our relationship what it will feel like to really love someone. I’m his first actual girlfriend. That he didn’t love me until our first child was born. We don’t have any money either and there’s nothing to do round where we live without a car, which we don’t have. We don’t get any help with the children so can’t have alone time. We argue. We don’t talk. I don’t want to be told to end things. I need help. Because, I am ashamed to say this, I don’t think I can. I did tell him a few days ago to go to his family for a week (they’ll be more than happy) so we could get our heads clear. But he told me he wouldn’t and I would see him on the streets instead. We disagree with the kids more than 50% of the time. He’s in bed. We just rowed. I’m so lost. Especially when what I used to look back on at the beginning wasn’t even true. That he never loved me and tried with everyone but it only worked with me. Please can I have some advice. Anyone been through anything similar. Also- as I have no help with the children I fear I can’t handle them both alone especially with nothing except a tiny park around here via walking

OP posts:
pog100 · 26/07/2021 21:39

Woah, you've obviously been storing that for a while and I can see why you are upset. It sounds to me like you got together, and had kids, at a very young age. He sounds very immature and you sound very inexperienced.
I don't think you should be scared of being on your own. You will cope fine and it's easier being able to set the tone on your own. He would also clearly benefit from time alone. Whether you get back together, I don't know, but probably not. I don't see this relationship being a happy or healthy one.

Seesawmummadaw · 26/07/2021 21:44

The best advice that I was ever given (actually on here) was that you are teaching your children that this is the kind of relationship that they should have when they are older. You are teaching them that this is how you live, what to expect from someone that supposedly loves you.

Do you love him?

You owe more to yourself and your children.

bluebell34567 · 26/07/2021 21:58

do you think it will get better? it doesnt look like.
do you have family? ask for their help
or call womens aid?

category12 · 26/07/2021 22:09

Love shouldn't be painful and shouldn't have you crying every day. What's to actually love about someone who cheats or tries to cheat on you all the time? Who treats you like you're worthless?

Love has no value when it's not reciprocated, and when it's not accompanied by respect and care, loyalty and integrity.

Your self-esteem is shot to hell and you're scared, but you're stronger and more competent than you realise. Life would be better and easier without him in it.

BettyAndFrank · 26/07/2021 22:15

Tell him to get the fuck out!

Opentooffers · 26/07/2021 22:21

So, at the beginning, when he was still dating others, and said it was because he didn't love you, you chose to stick with him and have 2 DC Shock.
That shows that for some reason you were desperate for him, and you have some major issues to unpick. It's not about how he treats you, it's why you've put up with it and let him. Get yourself some counselling, you will need it for a better future. You can't change other people, you can only change yourself.

Hexuba · 26/07/2021 22:27

Neither of you sound particularly mature from the decisions you are making and I feel sorry for your children growing up in this environment.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 26/07/2021 22:30

What on Earth do you think will happen if you stay with him? How do you think your life will get better?
I know it hurts but there is only one option here.

Wishingwell75 · 26/07/2021 22:53

It's very difficult to feel like you do and I know you may feel like you won't cope without him and that things will be like this forever.
They really really won't.
Do you believe in your heart of hearts that you deserve better - because I don't know you from Adam, but I can tell you, you deserve so much more than this manchild excuse for a boyfriend.
I'm sure he has his good points but not enough of them!
You children are very young and it's really hard going at this age, even when you have support.
What will help you is faith that your future can and will be happy and better than what you're going through now.
Can you talk to your health visitor about any local groups you could get involved in?
Can you chat to someone about college or work you'd like to do, even if that's not an option till your DC's are in nursery/school. It's something to plan, work towards and get excited about.
If you can't or don't want to officially end things with this lying fool then just focus exclusively on you and the kids.
Get him to do his share of childcare so that you can have time for yourself - even just for a walk around the park.
Treat yourself as you would like to be treated by your boyfriend or as you would treat your best friend.
So, choose the food you like and put it on a nice plate, take luxurious baths with nice bubble baths etc, small things but the more you increase your self esteem the more you will feel better about your self and the more you will realise that you can do so much better than this guy. You think you love/need him but he's just a bad habit.
One day when you're happy and sorted (single or with a different, decent man) you'll look back and realise that getting out of this relationship was a very smart, good thing you did for you and the kids.
On the grim other hand, if you stay, there'll be tons more heartache, wasted years, self esteem reduced to nothing and the worst feeling in the whole world - that you could've left years ago before it potentially effected the children - even if that was just seeing their lovely mummy sad.

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