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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why am I upset that my ex wants to introduce our children to his new partner ?

26 replies

recall · 26/07/2021 19:21

Married for 28 years, separated a year ago. Whilst we were still together about 4 years ago, I suspected him of having an affair with a specific person, he denied it ....and guess who his “new” partner is 🙄

Anyway, they are now a full blown item, which I’m fine with, but my youngest DD aged 10 just mentioned that they were taking her for a walk with this lady’s dogs. Now I am sat here feeling irrationally pissed off, but I can’t think of a reason why it should be a problem.....🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyone else ever felt this ?

OP posts:
greyspottedgoose · 26/07/2021 19:24

I chose to end my marriage and it still felt gut wrenching when my ex husband started taking the kids out with his new partner, it's a strange feeling but it definitely gets easier. Well, it did for me because she is wonderful with my kids and they enjoyed the time together, hopefully your child feels the same after the walk

FunMcCool · 26/07/2021 19:25

It’s hurtful as you were married for 28 years, he had an emotional affair and now they are going for walks with your kids. I get it, it sucks. I’m sorry.

tinydancer88 · 26/07/2021 19:25

Would have preferred for your ex to have told you rather than your DD?

I can understand it must feel weird. You were together a long old time. Even when I've broken up with much, much shorter-term boyfriends and it was totally my choice, I had a tiny little wobble when they were seeing someone new, and that was without any kids in the mix.

girlmom21 · 26/07/2021 19:32

It's not unreasonable to feel like you're competing against her - is that what it might be?

Mermaidwaves · 26/07/2021 19:37

I'm in the same situation OP, I ended our 20 17 year marriage and it turns out he was seeing his new partner well before we split up. I've only just found this out and I'm hurting so badly, plus my DDs will be meeting her, spending time with their new child. I don't want this OW around them but can't stop it happening either, I will be following for advice here too.

Mermaidwaves · 26/07/2021 19:37

*17 year marriage

unicornsarereal72 · 26/07/2021 21:29

For me it was the feeling of being replaced. What was so wrong with me etc.

Ex is now onto a new gf. And playing happy families with her children and ours eow. The kids are having a ball. I'm pleased, but even now a few years down the line I'm sad what we had wasn't enough.

Blackbird2020 · 26/07/2021 22:19

Would it help to think of it like a school trip?

We don’t really have any sort of relationship with our kids’ teachers, nor do we want one, but our kids do. We hope that they are having fun, being kept safe, and having their own relationships (of sorts) with their teachers. Then they come home to us, their mum, their home, their safe place.

Teachers move on, and maybe your ex’s GFs will too, but you are their constant Flowers

Blackbird2020 · 26/07/2021 22:21

I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t focus on the pain and hurt. Your ex-DP is nothing to you now, try to look ahead....

Maybeitstime2021 · 26/07/2021 22:24

For me it is that I felt as if the OW was laughing at me behind my back (as was ex but he is their Dad so already loves them) and why would I want my precious little people to be around anyone like that.

category12 · 26/07/2021 22:26

It hurts because he's playing happy families and he doesn't deserve that.

He deserves to be cold and alone and under a patio Grin.

It'll sting a bit and you'll get used to it.

Original poster
recall · 26/07/2021 23:15

Thank you all so much for your kind replies.
I asked him at the time if he was having an affair with her, and he cleverly looked disgusted and said ....do me a favour ....she’s grim ....no !! I am not ! I just believed him 🙄

I ended the marriage....and asked him to leave anyway. I’m pissed off that he lied, but I am not in love with him so not heartbroken or anything.

I think that yes, I’d rather he’d tan it by me first rather than hearing it from her.

I’m still single ....but there may come a day when I meet someone decent and decide to introduce them to him ....then it will be his turn to have that nasty feeling ....apart from, I’m not like that, and will mention it to him first. My whole marriage felt like a fucking competition. I’m much happier letting my standards dictate my behaviour and living my own life .

It was so reassuring coming in here and being to ask ....thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
recall · 26/07/2021 23:17

*being able to ask

OP posts:
NorthernDramaLlama · 26/07/2021 23:23

You wouldn't care if he took the kids for a walk with his mate! It's a primal thing. You've been replaced. I get it and I'd feel the same. It's just good manners to inform relevant parties (ie YOU) that a change of circumstances has happened. Small people should not deliver such news.

Original poster
recall · 26/07/2021 23:26

Yes !! It’s the primal thing ...I’m feeling really not happy about this .....but no reason. Mind you, if they were toddlers still I’d struggle with it. Mine are 14,12 and 10....they know who their mum is alright 😂

OP posts:
Marineboy67 · 26/07/2021 23:30

It's unfortunate but something we'll all have to endure at some point.
I guess I'm lucky in that my exes new husband is a lovely bloke and he's been really kind to all of our 3 daughters. They all speak highly of him and I don't see it as any competition, just glad that he can add something positive to their lives.

FVFrog · 26/07/2021 23:36

I hear you. I feel the same. Very long marriage and almost grown up children. He pretty much immediately moved in with her and her similarly aged kids. And yes, it’s the being replaced feeling which is so awful. They are all off to a big family wedding in August together (his family) to see a nephew I have known since he was born get married, it’s gut wrenching. I can only hope it gets easier with time

Mermaidwaves · 26/07/2021 23:37

@Maybeitstime2021
I agree its feels like they're laughing at you behind your back, it's a horrible feeling.

TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 27/07/2021 00:11

@Marineboy67

It's unfortunate but something we'll all have to endure at some point. I guess I'm lucky in that my exes new husband is a lovely bloke and he's been really kind to all of our 3 daughters. They all speak highly of him and I don't see it as any competition, just glad that he can add something positive to their lives.
This. It doesn't sound much comfort, but it made a difference in the end. YANBU but as others have said you get used to it. And I'm saying that as someone who had to endure his kids visiting and accidentally calling me by the OM's name as they'd got used to him being the "man" in the house...
Original poster
recall · 27/07/2021 00:12

I feel laughed at ....I was drunk one Christmas...and laid out on the sofa ...mouth open...my husband apparently came and took o photo of me and walked off smirking, my mum
saw him do it. I wonder who he took that for ? He never showed it to me. Makes me feel sick, how many were taken of me that I’m unaware of .

OP posts:
Original poster
recall · 27/07/2021 00:15

He also once took me for a coffee at the place where she works, and she served me my coffee....during the time I now know they were fucking behind my back ....bet they thought that was hilarious

OP posts:
Original poster
recall · 27/07/2021 00:17

TossaCoinToYerWitcher.....that is heartbreaking

OP posts:
Original poster
recall · 27/07/2021 00:19

They are both narcissistic abusive types ....I don’t know how that works ....who becomes the victim ?

OP posts:
Enough4me · 27/07/2021 00:30

My exH did things like drop me at work and our DCs at school and instead of going to work took OW to a spa hotel that we had been to for weekend breaks. He was horrible and I was glad when I found out about his affair to be free from him, but I understand the feeling of being laughed at.

I always thought we had each other's backs and if we separated we would be amicable and the DCs would come first, how wrong was I!

That was over five years ago and now I am in the lovely position of knowing I wouldn't have behaved as he did as I am the better person. Honestly OP, if he ever laughed at you it's because he's shit and you're not. My partner of three years and I find my exH emails amusing as he is still a jumped up little git who thinks he should get his own way (he does things like tries to get me to buy their things when they go to his despite having a good income).

My DCs do not like the OW (now his partner) as she makes no effort with them as they aren't her DC.

Original poster
recall · 27/07/2021 01:52

Yes...I do feel good knowing that in 28 years ....not so much as an extra marital snog by me. He didn’t just deceive me ...he deceived us all, his children too. He made us live in a pretend world that wasn’t real. Good luck to her ..... now it will be her quilt that he scratches his arse through so that his finger doesn’t smell ( true story )

OP posts: