I don’t like my mum and I’m struggling with this feeling.

[Fightingback16]

I never realised until coming out of an abusive marriage that I don’t really like my mum.

She is numb, she has no emotion. Nothing I do is right, everything that goes wrong somehow comes back to something I have done wrong. I have tried to please her. I called her everyday and I realise now that it was out of fear and people pleasing not love.

I fell for my husband so quickly because deep down I never wanted to move home. I am suffocating around her at the moment. I’m trying to heal from the abuse and I’m emotional and she is dead. I can’t be like her. Sometimes im angry and she looks at me and is like what is wrong with you. Sometimes I’m tired and she is like what is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with me I’m just feeling stuff and you have nothing to give me.

I just don’t like my mum. She scared me as a child, she suffocated me. She was never there for me and she exploded with rage at me. I hid and I became what I understand now is disassociated.

How can I get past this? She is my mum but I don’t have a lot of feelings for her other then she ruined my childhood and made mentally unwell as an adult and trying to stop disassociating now. I fake being nice to her all the time and deep down I just constantly can’t stand her anymore….help!!!!

Could you reduce the level.of contact you have with her?

I've been no contact with my mum for years for similar reasons.

Have you had any therapy OP? If not I suggest that's your first step.
It sounds like you've been through a really tough time. There's a book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward that you might find helpful.

With dissociation, it's useful to do mindfulness and something like yoga in order to help ground yourself and reconnect.

You may also be suffering from C PTSD and might find the book, CPTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker helpful. Going very low contact with your mother might be a good idea for the time being.

Go to the Dr if you are really suffering perhaps medication might help. You could also phone the Mind helpline or Rethink, for further help.

There's a book on iBooks called 'the Emotionally absent Mother' that you might find useful.

I can relate. It's like they shut their ears to anything that is about you or your feelings.

Limit contact.
Let go of the hope that she will change.
Sorry. Everybody deserves a lovely mum 💐

I hope you haven't had to move in with her since your marriage broke up? Is that what you're saying?

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Can you explain more about the following. You say your mother suffocated you, but that she had no time for you. I'm struggling to understand how she did both.

Yes @BlackSwan I fled to my family home after I left my marriage and I’ve been here for 2 years. I didn’t know at the time really how I felt about my mum. I lost my dad 3 years ago and I wanted to be close to him at home. I have managed to get my house back but can’t afford to move out until I’ve paid my solicitors bills.

I’m suffocating living here pretending that everything is ok and looking like I need no support when I really do. I’m not in any kind of crisis and im sure it’s normal to need a mum. I need a mum who gives me emotional support. We wonder around talking about the weather or how I’m not doing things properly, really mundane things. I can’t take it anymore it’s soul destroying. I’ve kind of our grown her and tip toeing around her all the time. I’m an emotional being and holding it all in makes me disassociate. It’s crap.

Should I not like my own mum and have these feelings towards her that are not great?

I’ve become really good at functioning well and pretending everything is ok when it bloody well isn’t. I managed to fool myself for a long time but I can’t anymore as I remember how scared I was as a child and I’m very aware of all the coping mechanisms I’ve learnt and busy trying to un-learn them. I am an entirely different person now I know my history, I want things in my like that make it happy and better.

Should I not like my own mum and have these feelings towards her that are not great?
You don't have to love your mum, or even like her.

It took me a long time to realise this about my dad. It was utterly liberating when it dawned on me.

I’ve always wondered why my brother detached and moved a long way and barely calls, just does bare minimum. He has a lovely wife and children.

I grew to hate my DM and even though she is now dead I hate her. She was dead inside unless it was about her. Nothing I felt or said was valid.

Try to leave as soon as you can. Then be done with her.

I’m so sodding nice I hate myself for hating her.

In the circumstances it sounds fairly natural that you're having this kind of allergic reaction. The reality of your situation is probably sinking in & it's all a bit confronting. This isn't what you wanted: you just wanted out of your marriage. But try to keep it in perspective, it's not forever or long term. You need a plan to get out of there. In the meantime - I would try to find your own space a bit & cut yourself some slack for not having rose coloured glasses on in respect of your mum.