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Original poster

Can I or will I ever move on?

27 replies

Perriwinkles · 26/07/2021 15:49

Oh I need advice from the wise...

My ex-husband and I got married, it did not work out, we lived together until I found accommodation, I moved out. So far, so clean...BUT...we have been in touch on and off ever since. That was two years ago. I have pretty much missed the boat regarding baby-making as I gave my childbearing years to that relationship so I feel less hurried to find a new man. Yet, I wonder about our dynamic. I often stay in his house for a few nights and we just hang out.

I have no sexual feelings anymore but he does. He'd like us to get physical but I don't want to and never have since we broke up but he continues to make it clear how interested he is in that side of things. What I enjoy the most is the mutual understanding, how easy it is to talk to him and the emotional support.

What to do?

Thank you.

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 26/07/2021 16:08

Ok, you're fooling yourself if you think there is mutual understanding from him. 'He continues to make it clear how interested he is...'. Ick. Creepy bastard who wont take no for an answer.

Sorry op but he is not your friend. Friends respect the word no and don't keep pushing for more. What he is to you, is a liability.

It sounds like you could do with new company. Could you join a meet up or activity group? Start making new friends. Don't stay over at his again.

Original poster
Perriwinkles · 26/07/2021 17:20

Thanks for replying @Umberellatheweatha You may have a point. He said that our friendship will end if I start seeing someone else; so I haven't been on the hunt. Yet, when we separated, it was mutual. It's all a bit confusing as it's so easy to be around him and I enjoy his company. I sometimes wonder if we should get back together - there's so much that relationship could offer me BUT I'm not attracted to him anymore at all and that's not something that should be forced and also, I need to remember all the toil and heartache we went through in separating.

I do probably need to broaden my horizons but I'm not sure where to start right now. Most of my friends are married with children so coffees/lunches here and there is all they're available for (despite being great friends - it's just the reality of life with kids for them).

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 26/07/2021 17:48

So this 'friendship' is also holding you back from going out and possibly meeting someone new.

I think you'd be wise to make a clean break op.

It sounds like he has you somewhat by the goolies.
If it was a mutual break up, I suspect he may want to keep sleeping with you but not actually get back together. He wants a fuck buddy and you just want a friend. You aren't compatable.

And I suspect his intentions are not as noble as yours for staying in touch.

But yeah, meeting ppl is tough. Especially atm. Have you ever tried meetup.com? They do groups for different hobbies ect (or just cocktails lol) in your local area. Or theres also the app bumble for friendships.

Original poster
Perriwinkles · 26/07/2021 18:07

Thanks @Umberellatheweatha

You've kind of opened my eyes. I needed to share it with someone as I haven't told any friends that he comes on to me ... I have told some of them we're in touch but haven't told others as I'm embarrassed that I still haven't let go.

I'm going to join meetup.com. In the past, I was too shy to but I think I'm at the point now where it's worth a shot...

I just hope I can somehow find the strength to move on. Even as I type, I'm tempted to text him as there's a long evening ahead of me!

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 26/07/2021 18:16

Everyone is in the same boat with meetup, just looking to get out of the house atm after ages cooped up lol. Always found the people who went on them to be nice enough company :)

Good luck!

TheFoundations · 26/07/2021 19:47

Yes, you can and will move on. When you take steps to.

Yescheese · 26/07/2021 19:51

I think you need to decide what you want, a relationship with him or not. It's not a friendship if it's restricting you from meeting others whether that's a priority for you or not. I wouldn't worry too much about losing the friendship as a real friend would not be going on about wanting sex (whatever form this takes). I know it's a wrench and you're comfortable seeing him still but if you are interested in a proper relationship, don't let years go past wasting time on this.

Original poster
Perriwinkles · 26/07/2021 20:21

@Umberellatheweatha
Thanks. It's worth a go. I would like to broaden my social circle.

@TheFoundations
Thanks. I guess it's the steps I find hard but you're right.

@Yescheese
I wouldn't worry too much about losing the friendship as a real friend would not be going on about wanting sex (whatever form this takes) Mmmm, this really got me thinking hard. It sometimes take the form of him simply telling me that he finds me very attractive. Once he stroked my bum and I asked him to stop and he said, 'I can't help it when you're looking so hot.' Another time he tried to kiss me and I said no....
Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perriwinkles · 28/07/2021 02:37

Even ‘tonight’ - I cannot sleep & feel down for various reasons. So, I think that maybe I can see exDH tomorrow … I know it’s not the answer but I feel so lonely and not sure I can face OLD again.

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 28/07/2021 09:31

Hope you're doing ok today op. Maybe find yourself a good netflix series to watch, help take your mind off things. Or take up video gaming xD ppl can lose themselves for days in those. Rdr2 helped me through some tough times personally. But then, I am a sucker for horses and a good campfire story.

Dancing around until the endorphins hit (or even till I'm too buggered to move) helps take my mind off things too. I'm sure some ppl run instead.

Maybe save his name under something like 'not today satan' xD. And put the phone in a drawer somewhere and only check it once per day. Though, you may want to think of a talk to have with him to end things completely first.

Thingsdogetbetter · 28/07/2021 10:37

This has become a using each other dynamic that won't change til one of you steps away.

He is using you in the hopes of sex. What happens when he meets someone else or realises that you won't be persuaded to comply? You'll be 'dumped' and left with no one because you haven't made an effort to expand your circle of friends outside of him.

You are using him to fill the void of loneliness knowing he does not want just a friendship. However, as he is filling your void, you are avoiding making the effort to reach out to others.

This is not sustainable and eventually you will find yourself without him as a 'filler' or you will decide that sex is a price you are willing to pay to keep him around.

theodoracarp · 28/07/2021 11:47

I think he is not your friend. And does not respect you, does not hear and does not want to hear. Thinks only about his needs. No need to stay with him again. There are many good people in the world who can become your friend. Don't just dwell on it.

Original poster
Perriwinkles · 28/07/2021 12:02

@Umberellatheweatha
Thanks. Yeah distraction is probably what I need the most.

@Thingsdogetbetter
This is not sustainable and eventually you will find yourself without him as a 'filler' or you will decide that sex is a price you are willing to pay to keep him around
This scares me a little to be honest. There have been low moments where I’ve thought I could ‘make myself’ have sex with him. But the sex was never good - and we were together 15 years! We weren’t sexually compatible but I found it so hard to leave the relationship. Eventuality I did but look at the mess I’ve helped create!

@theodoracarp
Thanks. Oh I know … 🙈 A close friend said the same thing you said many years ago … about him looking out for his own needs. I know he cares about me but I know we need to cut it off. If only I could stick to my guns.

OP posts:
ckverity9 · 28/07/2021 12:03

Run from him. find new friends. Let him go. He doesn't hear you, he's just comfortable

Original poster
Perriwinkles · 28/07/2021 14:29

@ckverity9

Thanks. He has many good points but you’re right, he doesn’t listen and he never listened to what I wanted and needed in all aspects of life. It was a huge problem in our entire relationship. I appreciate that being brought to my attention to be honest as these days, I seem to have the blinkers on.

OP posts:
ckverity9 · 29/07/2021 09:36

@Perriwinkles

You are already well done that you see this. You will be fine without it! Good luck to you!

theodoracarp · 29/07/2021 10:17

@Perriwinkles

The main thing is that you have already realized the problem. Now you need to solve it in small steps. If it doesn't work right away.

Schrutesbeets · 29/07/2021 10:22

The thing is, you're using him too. You're feeling down and lonely (which I empathise with), but the answer isn't seeing him.
You know he still holds a flame for you and wants more than a platonic friendship.
He needs to back off but you could also be seen as leading him on a bit.
Both of you need to end the friendship imo.

Original poster
Perriwinkles · 29/07/2021 12:02

Thanks for all your feedback. He knows exactly how I feel and I know exactly how he feels. Through all we’ve been through, we’ve become brutally honest with one another. So there is no game-playing but I know I’ll never move on while he’s still such a big part of my life. I think he’d flip if I started OLD (even though he has done it since we broke up).

For me, it’s just hard to let go of the emotional support. Breaking up really is hard to do!

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 29/07/2021 12:28

So basically he gets to have his cake and eat it (and push for more). And meanwhile you dont date anyone else. He thinks he has the right to throw a strop if you date as if he somehow has a claim certain you. And yet, of course he dates! And I bet if you pointed out his double standards he would have a hissy fit too. He'd probably make out you were in the wrong somehow.

Yup, break ups suck. But living in no mans land with an uneven power/control dynamic is not a good alternative. Stand strong op! Onwards and upwards!

Umberellatheweatha · 29/07/2021 12:29

*a claim over

Original poster
Perriwinkles · 29/07/2021 15:27

@Umberellatheweatha

well he told me he went on a site but that no dates came of it ... but I guess he would've gone on dates if the opportunity arose. I suppose I can't be 100% sure he's telling me the truth but I think he is. He saw a lot of people he knew on it and I think that freaked him out and he came off it.

But yeah, I know I'm in a ridiculous situation. It's just hard to strike out and go it alone. Thanks for the 'stand strong' advice and 'onwards and upwards.' I know you're right. I just need to put it into practice!

OP posts:
Original poster
Perriwinkles · 07/08/2021 08:05

I just spent the past week in his. We hung out, watched telly, I did the cooking, we got on great as friends - I was also there to dog and cat sit (he has our animals who I LOVE). But I know this can’t go on. I really want to have a proper relationship with someone new but I’ve been in this one so long I don’t even know if I can let myself go again.

OP posts:
felulageller · 07/08/2021 08:29

Are you definitely too old to meet someone have a baby?

Ie mid 40s?

Sounds like this shackle is holding you back.

Original poster
Perriwinkles · 07/08/2021 09:41

@felulageller

Thanks. It is holding me back. I love him but it’s not a romantic love and it was a tough relationship and marriage. I’d love to be happy.

OP posts: