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Relationships

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Original poster

Work and life balance

24 replies

Kafryne · 26/07/2021 15:08

My partner works long hours. He gets 2 days off he sleeps or chills out on his first day and sometimes will do stuff with the families on his 2nd day off and then he’s back to work. I get it he’s exhausted he needs rest but being a stay at home mum at the moment I always look forward to him being off so we can spend time all together and my little one is also asking for him all the time. I know bills need to be paid but I get upset that we only have one day all today and sometimes even on that day we don’t even do much. I’m thinking when I’ll be back to work and we won’t have the same days off and we will be like flat mates and even see each much less or not at all since he gets home late at night we don’t even have evenings and dinner together.
Anyone in this situation and thinking the relationship and the family life just is non existent and that is putting a strain on it. I feel so lonely I feel like a single mum raising and educating my little one on my own.

OP posts:

Pinkflipflop85 · 26/07/2021 15:10

You need to sit down and talk to him. Sounds like he has checked out of family life.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 26/07/2021 15:12

I had this situation with my ex so I know how horrible it is.

When you say long hours, how long? And does he HAVE to work them or does he choose to? A lot of people opt out of the boring mundane bits of family life by staying at work unnecessarily.

QforCucumber · 26/07/2021 15:17

Are his long hours set?

why does he get a day off every week and you don't? To take a whole day to wind down and chill is nto at all fair.

DH and I both work FT, both have 2 days off a week and neither of us takes an entire day each to relax, we have kids - we don't get to opt out of parenting them because we work.

Original poster

Kafryne · 26/07/2021 15:18

@Pinkflipflop85

You need to sit down and talk to him. Sounds like he has checked out of family life.

He's completely absent from family life

OP posts:

Original poster

Kafryne · 26/07/2021 15:20

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

I had this situation with my ex so I know how horrible it is.

When you say long hours, how long? And does he HAVE to work them or does he choose to? A lot of people opt out of the boring mundane bits of family life by staying at work unnecessarily.

Between 12 hours and 16 hours. He does choose to work these hours he has to it's a demanding job and not family friendly at all

OP posts:

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 26/07/2021 15:20

If he's absent from family life then swop him for tax credits and get every other week-end off.

Original poster

Kafryne · 26/07/2021 15:21

@QforCucumber

Are his long hours set?

why does he get a day off every week and you don't? To take a whole day to wind down and chill is nto at all fair.

DH and I both work FT, both have 2 days off a week and neither of us takes an entire day each to relax, we have kids - we don't get to opt out of parenting them because we work.

I'm totally with you on that. I on duty 24/7 and when I'll be back to work it'll worse I think but he doesn't get it

OP posts:

Original poster

Kafryne · 26/07/2021 15:22

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

If he's absent from family life then swop him for tax credits and get every other week-end off.

I'm seriously reconsidering this relationship

OP posts:

QforCucumber · 26/07/2021 15:25

What does he do for a living?

Original poster

Kafryne · 26/07/2021 15:25

@QforCucumber

What does he do for a living?

Chef

OP posts:

MintyCedric · 26/07/2021 15:30

Ugh...the problem with being a chef is that for it to fulfilling and to earn decent money you need to do stupid hours.

My ex was a chef but he worked in school catering, so term time only, no evenings or weekends. Much more family friendly but little kudos and the money was dire.

I'd your DP completely committed to being a 'career chef' or would he consider something a bit more low key. A catering manager at a school for instance would be better hours and better money than being 'just' a chef.

QforCucumber · 26/07/2021 15:35

That does make it difficult, my DB and DH best friend are both chefs, in busy restaurants - I've spent a long time working in hospitality too so know the hours are not family friendly.

However - that still doesn't excuse his behaviour, both those we are close to still have family days out, still do things around the house, and certainly don't get away with having a day off from everything just to 'chill'

Original poster

Kafryne · 26/07/2021 15:37

@MintyCedric

Ugh...the problem with being a chef is that for it to fulfilling and to earn decent money you need to do stupid hours.

My ex was a chef but he worked in school catering, so term time only, no evenings or weekends. Much more family friendly but little kudos and the money was dire.

He tried school and care home catering but he didn't like it. Like you said the money was crap. He's been telling he wants to change career but we've together for over 10 years and he's never that step. Now having a kid should make him want to make a change but still nothing

OP posts:

Original poster

Kafryne · 26/07/2021 15:39

@QforCucumber

That does make it difficult, my DB and DH best friend are both chefs, in busy restaurants - I've spent a long time working in hospitality too so know the hours are not family friendly.

I know I keep telling the entire world work hard but people still respect their commitment. I've worked too in hospitality before so I know too how it is but life must go on

OP posts:

Fireflygal · 26/07/2021 16:32

You mention partner, so are you not married?

Has it only bothered you since you had a child?

Alice786 · 13/08/2021 10:08

I think you definitely need to sit down adn explain to him that spending time with him is really important to you and your relationship and you are not happy to carry on this way. Life gets busy but you must make time for the important people in your life or you will loose them. He has two days a week off which is more than some people get. He needs to spend some time with you on both days. I understand some people have to work long hours and have no spare time because they have to and don't have a choice but this does not feel like one those situations. I firmly believe people will treat you how you let them treat you. You need to stand up for yourself and your family and be firm and explain to him the long term impact on a relationship of not spending enough time together. If he cares enough he will listen otherwise maybe he doesn't care enough...

AnotherSuperHeroe · 13/08/2021 10:10

Not quite sure what the point of your comment is?

Regardless as to whether the OP is married or not, there is a child involved who desperately wants to see more of the father but the father says he’s too busy at work

twinningatlife · 13/08/2021 10:12

I'm seriously reconsidering this relationship

I think that's really harsh considering he's working to enable you to be a STAHM?

RosesandPumpkins · 13/08/2021 10:17

Yep. This was me! Several years ago. Now I am happily with a new partner who is 100% actively involved in (blended) family life. We holiday and weekend away and make the most of every spare moment with the kids. I bloody love it. Ex P was a selfish arse whose idea of family time was taking the kids to the park so I could tidy up. His day one was always golf all morning and then resting al afternoon.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/08/2021 10:28

@AnotherSuperHeroe

Not quite sure what the point of your comment is?

Regardless as to whether the OP is married or not, there is a child involved who desperately wants to see more of the father but the father says he’s too busy at work

I was reading that as has OP made herself financially vulnerable by sacrificing her earning power to provide childcare for a man, without the legal benefits of marriage.

OP while reading your first post I knew he was going to be a chef. Does he take coke? Spending all his first day off sleeping says "comedown" to me, and it's rife in that industry. IME chefs are usually single, or they have partners who work in the restaurant with them.

Only you can decide whether this is worth sticking out. Could he rise to the Michelin star ranks and get paid a fortune? Yes potentially, but he'd still be working incredibly long hours. Or he might stay at his current earning level slicing donner meat in Envers Kebab Van. Either way you have an absent partner who doesn't seem to want to be in a relationship.

Snackdealer · 13/08/2021 12:39

I have been in this exact position. He wouldn't get up to feed our son in the morning and at night I am sure he used to say he was working late but actually in the pub and then would fall asleep on the sofa. We could go days without seeing him. We spent no time together or as a family so I moved on. He now has our son every other weekend. Best thing I ever did was leave him.

LolaDoda · 13/08/2021 14:19

I have a similar situation. I'm pregnant with number 2 and my partner thinks that just because he's working FT and I'm only part time, that he does enough. I have to do everything from laundry to sorting out bills and food, to sorting out the leaky waching machine, to full time childcare for our firstborn. I am drained. I try talking to him every so often, but he gets super defensive and says he's exhausted from work and needs his chill time. It's come to the point where I am considering leaving him because I already feel like a single mum with a lodger in the house who I have to cater and do laundry for. He just doesn't get it. Every few months he then suddenly gets these bursts of energy and cleans the house and takes our child out for a day out (always with someone else, he's never spent more than an 2 hours alone with his child).
I think he might have postpartum depression. I read that it's rare in men, but it does occur. I just don't feel that he's taking his role as a parent serious.

LolaDoda · 13/08/2021 14:23

I don't think he's working so she can be at home. He would also be working if she was working.
Same argument I have with my partner, if I had a full time job, would I still ha e to do everything in the house? Because he wouldn't be less exhausted just because I work, would he?

LolaDoda · 13/08/2021 14:24

@twinningatlife

I'm seriously reconsidering this relationship

I think that's really harsh considering he's working to enable you to be a STAHM?

I don't think he's working so she can be at home. He would also be working if she was working. Same argument I have with my partner, if I had a full time job, would I still ha e to do everything in the house? Because he wouldn't be less exhausted just because I work, would he?

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