Anyone else find post-lockdown dating awful/sad?

[SmugglersHaunt]

This weekend I had an OLD date - first one for nearly two years and it’s let me feeling crap.

Nothing even slightly bad happened but it’s let me feeling worse than after most other OLDs!. He contacted me on the dating site (I thought he was out of my league) and was very complementary about me, so I was flattered and had fairly high hopes.

When I saw him in the bar I fancied him and we got on well and were chatting away. Then I’m not sure what happened but it’s like at some point it just ran out of what steam it had and died there in the bar.

At one point I went to the loo and had a mild panic about what the hell to talk about next, which isn’t like me at all. He also did something on his phone while I was talking at one point. Then at the (slightly rushed) end he said the dread phrase “let’s keep in touch”.

I know OLD is fraught with crap experiences, and he obviously didn’t like me in real life - I don’t have a problem with that. But after I walked away from him I felt something I never normally feel - lonely. The whole thing felt so disconnected and bleak, like I (and possibly he) has forgotten how to communicate.

I know this is a complete non-problem, but I just wondered if other people have found OLD post-lockdown worse than before?

Just a bit of rustiness.

I’ve not tried OLD since last summer, but I’m finding this with socialising generally. I’m starting to feel I don’t have a social life to go back to any more

Yes! I found this. Not OLD but general socialising. So out of practice that we run out of things to say! I think it will get better OP.

Oh OP. I had the same thing last weekend. Very complimentary over text, for weeks. We met... had what I thought was a great time...and then, the slow fade. Excuses etc. Glad you managed to take it on the chin... it really upset me.
People have serious social skills failings these days...

Same as other PPs, no dating but when seeing friends. I think we're all a bit out of practice and the only thing we all have to talk about - the P word - is the last thing we want to talk about. I think we all feel we should have more to offer, but at the moment we don't!

Try not to feel too disheartened, it's your first date after two years, the odds of the first date in ages that takes off is low, you'll have to keep talking to a fair few before you feel the want to go on another date, even then it can take a couple of dates for them to grow on you sometimes. Just think in another few months the man for you can can come up so keep with it.

Well no one has done anything for the past18 months so there's little to talk about I'd imagine.

What I've found weirdly difficult, now we can go out again, is remembering what sort of things I did before. It's a really odd sort of institutionalisation!

Added to that OLD is a really shit way of meeting someone you'd actually want a relationship with!

Okay, so here's why I think your experience is a perfect example of why I really have trouble with OLD. You say...

He contacted me on the dating site (I thought he was out of my league)...

... so I'm presuming this was because his photos showed someone very attractive - which is great, but as this doesn't say anything about how you'll "click" just that he's visually hot and would be considered a "catch"

...and was very complementary about me, so I was flattered and had fairly high hopes.

So, he's flattered you - I get it, it feels good. But again, this doesn't say anything about how you'll "click" just that he can boost your ego.

When I saw him in the bar I fancied him...

...again, he's visually pleasing. That's great. But in my experience chemistry doesn't really work on things like facial symmetry alone.

and we got on well and were chatting away. Then I’m not sure what happened but it’s like at some point it just ran out of what steam it had and died there in the bar.

You didn't click. It's that simple. There wasn't any real chemistry. He looked hot. He fed your ego. But, at the end of the day, in the flesh, the two of you just didn't spark. Because attraction is about more than looks and flattery alone. Sure, you can "get on well" to start with, when you're still brand new to each other, but when you delve deeper there's no alchemy.

And this is why I'm sceptical about OLD. Because so many people base their choices on how someone looks in their profile photos or the words they use flatter. And none of these actually tell you whether someone will spark with you in real life. I realised I'd have to ask out everyone (well, bar the obvious no-hopers) no matter how I felt about their photos and profiles because, honestly? Any one of them I might feel completely different about if I met them in the street.

Yes. I'm feeling extremely sorry for myself that it hit at such an awkward stage of my life...recently single and 35. I'm now 36 and still no sign of the world being remotely normal. Not only have all the lockdowns and restrictions eaten up precious dating time, but they have taken a toll on people as well. I think most people are just drained and tired. No ability to make proper plans, you plan a date and then get pinged to isolate, it's just tiring.

I don't do well on OLD at the best of times, as I find it very awkward and difficult and prefer to meet people in person, but now obviously that is harder than ever. It's really sad and I am extremely concerned now that it really is too late to meet someone and have any chance of a family.

@Rozziie

It's never technically too late to meet someone but of course it becomes time-sensitive in terms of meeting a suitable partner to start a family with.

Out of curiosity, have you considered solo parenting as an option? I am solo parent to be (I've used IVF and a sperm donor) to become pregnant aged 39 as I was the same age as you when I got divorced. What followed was a period of 'aggressive dating' spanning 3 years or so. I did have a 2 year relationship with someone who was at a different life stage to me and was clinging desperate that it would has to work out. It was a pressure-cooker and a rather horrible, anxiety inducing period of my life, probably the worst panic I've ever felt. I would come home in tears not because I was cut up over a specific date not working out, but because I was terrified of losing out on being a parent. I was also angry that I 'needed' a man to do this (before radically altering my mindset) and taking agency over the matter myself (more agency, IVF isn't the panacea everyone believes it is, but that's another thread).

This isn't to say that you won't go on to meet someone, it's entirely possible, but for many women this doesn't happen (in time) and I guess there are two choices: how do you feel about missing out on being a parent (for the lack of finding a suitable partner), or end up settling due to pressure of not meeting anyone you truly want?

Once I've reframed in my mind what is more important and to me that's having a family, made an informed decision, had the treatment, fortunate to be pregnant first time, I feel the pressure is off dating, finally. That's not to say I wouldn't want a relationship again, it's just that the time factor/pressure and certain requirements have been removed, and I look forward to stepping back in to dating once I've settled in to motherhood.

In the meantime, I'd advise you to get some fertility checks done so you know where you stand and are informed.

I found my DP thorough OLD but prior to him… yikes. It felt like hard work. On one date in particular I went to the loo SIX times because I was so sick of hearing my own voice. He was basically mute but still keen to do it again. No thank you.

Also worth noting traditionally hot people tend to be dull AF. Just not a match here but persevere! I ended up with some fall back small talk or I would call an Uber from the loo

@anthurium I don't think I want to be a single parent at this point. I'm autistic and struggle quite a lot as it is, and I just don't think I'd cope with having a baby on my own and no support. I'm not close to my family (I have a severely mentally ill brother and all their focus has always been on him) and I think it would be a bad idea to have a child in this situation. It's great that you have been able to do it though!

I haven't totally ruled it out as a future option but I don't think I'd go for egg freezing at this stage, and would rather spend that money on buying a flat. Your post encourages me that there might be an option for IVF down the line if I feel able to do it in a few years!

This to me sounds close to my OLD experiences. I definitely have felt a sense of disconnection, futility and loneliness after some dates. One was good, though I didn’t fancy the guy — we agreed to be friends. I personally feel the chance of OLD leading to love and connection for me is very small…