Is this worth an argument?

[WellingtonShoo]

Coming up to our first year together. Relationship generally good and nice, he’s respectful and kind. While we see each other frequently ie a couple of nights a week on average, he is quite funny about work patterns and it often feels like he carves out time for me from work stuff as he’s very busy. Initially this suited me as my job is one big intense workload from Monday to Friday. As we’ve got closer we have talked about taking a day off together etc (we’ve been away once so did that then). That’s the background not sure if it was necessary but wanted to be honest and his approach to work.

DP had two days off last week so that he could prepare for his appraisal- it’s a big deal in his industry and without being outing, it’s not unusual for most (not all) to do this leading up to it. Fair enough. We chatted about it on Thursday and Friday, he called me in the day and was telling me what he was doing and so on, which was nice. Here’s the thing... I suggested we met or I came over/vice versa on Sunday. He said it wasn’t possible as he wanted everything done by Sunday night so he could go into the week with it all prepared, rather than taking a break when he had a ‘clear run of a few days’ to focus. So that was that and I left him to it.

However I know he is off today. He text me very late last night which is unheard of when he’s in work. When I opened the message this morning he was last online in the early hours and again that’s unheard of when he’s in work, he uses WhatsApp to call his friend for pick up, without fail, everyday. He also would have been online by now anyway if he was working as he starts much earlier.

I’m pissed off that I’ve gone down the detective route but when you notice something is off then you just do don’t you?! It’s really annoyed me. I don’t give a fuck when he wants to take his holiday, in fact I’ve booked two days off this week which I mentioned after I had booked it. They’re not spent with him, no big deal.

But I just don’t like the feeling of a lie by omission? Am I being over the top? I feel annoyed because he will know I will text later and ask how work was etc, and I feel a fool that I could have done that when he’s not even there!

I know the fact he’s off isn’t a big bloody deal. I know that. But would the secrecy bother you? I’m not a controlling person and I am always encouraging DP to see friends etc, I’ve not got a clue why he wouldn’t tell me.

I find it bizarre that you’re monitoring his every move one year in

@premium77 😂 fair enough! I don’t feel im monitoring it, though. Just don’t like the sense that he’s not honest about something so basic.

You do sound like you’re monitoring his WhatsApp.

He’s obviously concerned and working on his appraisal so just needs some space?

Am I being over the top?

Yes. You’re going to drive yourself mad.

Tbh it’s not really like he’s trying to hide it from you if he’s sending you late messages and he knows you can see him online etc. As you’re living apart and only seeing each other a couple of times a week after outside work, I don’t think you’re at the stage where you can get on his back about taking a day off without telling you.

So he’s decided to take some annual leave, very likely connected with preparing for his appraisal, and didn’t ask your permission in advance? Why on earth would he? You don’t live together or share a life and children, why would it make any difference to you? Why is it a “lie” for him to take his leave without telling you his plans?

I think it makes me uncomfortable as we had a chat about our week and he didn’t say. It’s just a strange thing not to mention? We had in depth discussion about how work was going, how hectic it is etc. It is intentional he hasn’t told me and I find that both odd and worrying - as if he feels he can’t mention it? And I’ve no idea why he would feel that way.

You need to step back a bit. You might be suffocating him.

@Tavannach I don’t want to say I’m not as how do I know, maybe I am doing that and don’t notice it. Perhaps that’s why he didn’t say.

I just can’t work out how I would be suffocating him, I’m really independent, have leave booked myself this week with friends, always encouraging him to see his friends etc. It would surprise me if he felt suffocated but actually that would make sense as to why he didn’t mention it so I should probably reflect on my own actions first

But maybe he decided last minute? DP was away the other weekend and when we exchanged messages on the Saturday I said I had no plans for the Sunday. Then it turned into a nice day and I decided I’d take a drive down to the coast to give the car a run. I didn’t send him a text first to tell him my plans had changed and I was now going out. Why would I? Why would it be necessary? And I’d have been completely if he’d then come home and called me a liar because he’d checked my car mileage and knew I’d been out somewhere over the weekend.

Or maybe he just wanted a day of quiet downtime before a big appraisal and didn’t want anybody in his life, including you, knowing he was “on holiday” and texting/calling/asking if he wanted to do something. I’ve done that before, too.

In the absence of any other odd behaviour, I don’t think that someone who you don’t live with keeping you abreast of their mundane day-to-day decisions as they make them is suspicious or worrying.

@ComtesseDeSpair that’s different though surely? We had a conversation only last night about work and I was telling him I was off on Wednesday and what my plans were. I don’t think he’s up to no good, I just find it odd he wouldn’t say? He will have known on Friday he had Monday off as he would have to have booked it.

I’m not saying there’s anything suspicious in him wanting a day off! I’m saying it’s odd to not mention it in a conversation where we talked about the week?!

I agree with all the pps, stand down if you can op.

Well, you asked if it warranted an argument. Now, I’ve never had any kind of argument about anything at all at all with DP in all the years we’ve been together. This may make us unusual (though I think it suggests we’re compatible, and have our lives set up so that we have nothing to argue about in the first place), but of all the things a couple might want to argue about, this seems pretty low on the list.

Especially since actually, you don’t even know that he’s taken a day off, anyway. You’re making that assumption because his WhatsApp activity is marginally different to what you’re used to it being. There could be all kinds of reasons for that, alone.

Please tell me you're not same person who posted about her DP preparing for a presentation and then for a promotion.

When is his appraisal? Could he have arranged another day off to prepare? It sounds as though he's nervous about it. Maybe he didn't say anything in case you suggested meeting, eg for lunch, and he knew he'd struggle to get back into it?

You don’t even know that he’s off. He could have been up late finishing his stuff. Or could have been awake because of numerous other things.

If he was trying to hide from you he wouldn’t have messaged you.

Yes, you have overdone it. Every person should have a personal space. You start to control his actions. Few people will like it. In the end, you will fray your nerves for yourself and him. It's not good for a relationship.

I think it's strange for your default setting to be 'is this worth an argument' rather than 'is this worth mentioning / asking him about'. Seems very combative and as if you're assuming the worst of him and almost waiting for him to fuck up?

Have you been with an arsehole previously so being with someone who has pretty average boundaries (he sounds like that I think from what you've said) makes you panic when there's not necessarily anything up at all?

You just seem convinced he's taken the day off, convinced he's lied / lied by omission and are spoiling for an 'argument' rather than planning a calm chat. Are you waiting for him to fail? It's common in a normal relationship after a shit one IMO. And unfair on the partner, in this case your boyfriend.

What would the argument be about? I’m another one who’s never planned an argument with anyone, least of all my husband.

Can’t imagine living like that, it sounds really tiring.

You’re assuming he’s lying with malice of forethought. That you have a right to know about it. That you have a right to confront him about it.

It’s a really aggressive antagonistic approach and I wouldn’t take well to someone behaving like that towards me.

It’s still a casual relationship, a year in, see each other a couple of times a week. I wouldn’t advocate this stance if you’d been married for ten years but even less in your current set up.

It all depends on the nature of your relationship, maybe for pp this would be unusual, but for my dp and I, if he didn’t mention something minor like this it would be utterly unheard of, it’s just the way we both are out of habit (in terms of generally chit chatting about our days/plans whatever) and we were like this from the off.

Something has obviously sparked you off to start monitoring the WhatsApp? Do you feel insecure with him generally?

And why would bringing this up with him be an argument? That’s more worrying in my opinion, indicates you can’t ask normal questions?

After a year you should def be able to have these convos.

You asked to see him Sunday and he said no. Maybe he didn't tell you in case you thought that meant he could spend it with you when he had other plans and didn't want to say no again. Doing 'nothing' is sometimes an actual thing, it's what you want to do, it doesn't mean 'nothing so I'm free to do x'.

It does sound like the same guy in which case you are posting about him over and over. Let him be!