How to leave. Hand hold please.

[Helptoleavenow]

Name changed for this.

I've been married for 7 years, been together 10 years, have a 4 year old DD. I no longer want to be married to DH. Mainly issues about communication and constant conflict. I'm ashamed to say that I've become angry, critical and shouty at him, sometimes just to illicit a response from him, as he is not communicative or just plain defensive. The last few years, including since lockdown, have been awfully lonely. There is no joy in the marriage, no affection from him, not even conversation or interest in anything to do with me and DD. He is in his own bubble of his own hobbies which he never talks about. He has little to no friends, makes very little effort with anyone apart from one old friend which he messages but never even mentions what they talk about which I find odd. I often have to ask him to have some small talk with me, at times he has even told me he's too busy doing house chores to talk to me. I feel his contempt everyday. He denies that anything is wrong from his perspective, that he is trying and blames it all on me. He says he just wants it to be nice between us. Anything I say is met with defensiveness and denial. He constantly has to be right. I admit our problems started long ago.

But now I feel dead inside and terribly lonely. Our DD is suffering from being in a toxic household now she is getting older and more aware. Weekends are spent bickering or feeling at a loose end, unless I plan things and plan to see friends and family on my planning. We sleep separately, basically not ever in the same room together and I feel so tense around him, I always feel like I will explode with frustration and rage. I seriously want out and he knows this. He doesn't want me to leave despite him acknowledging that we are both unhappy. I feel like I'm wasting my life everyday. I hate the angry person I've become because of how unhappy the marriage is. My life is starting to feel pointless.

Don't know why I'm posting, I just need some advice on what I do next - even if it's being the bitch he thinks I am and ripping apart the seemingly great family unit. I would be able to support myself and my DD financially. I am starting to fantasise about having a place of my mine for me and DD, and have told him I want to discuss getting separated. His response is that I keep saying that but don't do anything about it.
Sorry that was so long.

Hi
I’m sorry you are so lonely in your marriage, that’s really tough going. Have you tried couples counselling, it may help in deciding whether to stick it out with improvements on both sides or end the relationship. You deserve to be happy just as much as the next person, good luck.

It's not a seemingly great family unit though.

Its wonderful that you could manage financially, it sounds like you should separate from him.

He sounds like he'll be a shit dad during access but what can you do, she may not go if age doesn't want to avd he doesn't bother going to court about it.

Make plans to leave. Things won't improve....don't waste the rest of your life.

He doesn't want me to leave

Who gives a shit what he wants? He doesn't give a shit what you want, does he?

Thanks for the replies.

@Sid077 - yes we tried couples counselling last year. Finally after around 2 years of agreeing that we should. The sessions were virtual because of the lockdown. We had two or three sessions and the counsellor actually sacked us. Her reason was that he wouldn't talk, wouldn't engage. Her words were he was frozen and he asked why didn't he talk and that he needed counselling himself before couples counselling. He has gone off for individual counselling, as have I. It hasn't helped his communication, if anything he's talking to me less.

I lived with someone like this for 15 years. Don't be me and get out now. This is never going to get any better, he wont change and the situation is totally unfair on your dd. Get some legal advice. Do you have your own bank account? Make a plan about what you wish to do about housing and speak to him about it. Do you wish to sell? Can one of you move out and rent until the house is sold.

If you want to split you need to tell him not ask him. You have tried and this is never going to work. You can always invite him to mediation to get an agreement on how to move forward. The government is paying £500 towards this at the moment to free up the courts.

If you have gone through counselling you have done everything you can. it’s time to prioritise yourself & start the separation process - mediation is a great starting point.

If you can support yourself financially, why are you staying?

Any reason you can think of is not a good one! 😉 I can only think of things like "I don't want to break up the family", or "I didn't want my child to grow up between two homes" and so on. Those ships have sailed, I'm afraid.

As someone who can't leave for financial reasons, purely financial, and I'm working very hard on changing that, please go and grab your freedom and happiness with both hands. Even if it feels strange or sad (because it's the end of a relationship), at least you are free to bring joy to your daughter's life. That is utterly priceless.

The page uploaded while I wrote and I've just seen the suggestion of mediation. I'd be very careful about that in your situation. I did that and it fell apart because he behaved the same way in mediation as he did in therapy.

My current plan is to get a contract drawn up as a proposal and then discuss it ourselves and recommend he sees his own lawyer if e wants. When there's something concrete to work with it enables productive discussion. Mediation relies on him communicating and with someone who has problems with that, even the best mediators will not ge able to get sufficient info. It may be different in your case, but thought I'd add as an FYI because nobody ever told me that and it was a very very hard way to find it out.

I'm so grateful for all the replies and struggling so much today. We both work from home and the whole day went by in silence. I have not made any conversation with him today and it is just like each other doesn't exist. He hasn't asked me how I am or why I'm not talking to him. I refuse to be the one to constantly brighten the mood by initiating small talk or conversation.

@daretodenim I am sorry you are in a similar position. Yes I am very fortunate that with my full time work, I will be just about OK to support my DD and have some savings I can dip into.

@daretodemin When you say mediation to get sufficient info, do you mean him putting forward what he wants in terms of child access?

@gonnabeok We rent our house just now so there is not a house to sell, but we are both on the tenancy.

Would I need his written agreement for me to move out with my DD so that it doesn't look like I'm doing a runner? Not that I want to, I'm just clueless in terms of what to do. I've enquired with a number of solicitors for legal advice.