I've been pondering for ages whether to write this but need advice. I've wanted to leave my husband for years and have tried many times but he either talks me round or we end up still living together due to finances but sleep in separate rooms which we have been doing for past couple of years. He still acts like we're together though and still has so much control over my life. We got together when I was 16 and have been together over 20 years now. The whole marriage has been awful. He never makes me laugh, he's not romantic or thoughtful. We've never done couple things. We have completely different views, morals, everything. This would all be bad enough but on top of that he's got a really bad temper. In the past he's smashed things up, punched holes in the wall, broke my hoover because I accidentally washed his car key. He gets terrible road rage where he chases people along the road screaming and shouting, cuts them up. Or if im talking to him and say something he doesn't like he'll suddenly slam on the breaks in the middle of the road to scare me. He apologises after when he's calmed down but then does it again.
He's also sexually abusive in that he won't take no for an answer and does whatever he wants despite me saying no. Or he pushes his luck all the time if I say you can do this but not that he'll always try and get the other thing. I've woke up to him doing stuff to me numerous times. He's always groping at me whatever I'm doing. I'll move his hand away, he'll move it back and so on and he just thinks it's funny or stand in front of the door when I try to leave or grabs at my nipples and hurts me. The way he talks to me or about me to other people is so disrespectful. He'll say crewd, disgusting stuff to his workmates about me and my body and then come home and tell me that they were all laughing about it. Everything is done to humiliate and put me down. Even when I'm talking to him about anything he's rolling his eyes or tutting as if I'm so insignificant. He also talks about other women like it too and in the past he's kissed someone else and also I caught him trying to go on fuckbuddy five times (he didn't sign up but kept googling it) he also was downloading naked pictures of women to his phone. When he's done stuff to me in the past he says it's because I got out the shower in a towel or was wearing a skirt, so it's my fault!
He's really controlling from where I go and even to things like what I eat. He'll go to the shop for me and bring back something different to what I asked for because he thinks I'd like it better or it's better for me even though I didnt want it.
Financially he is terrible. He has got us into so much debt in the past. Getting loans and credit cards behind my back (I've never had a single debt but am just dragged into it by him) I've literally begged him not to get stuff and he does it anyway. I have no say in anything. He makes every desicion without me. He can't have any money or savings as he just has to spend. Now he's even had to get an IVA because of all the debt. He'll run out of money before pay day and never learns. Everytime I try and work out a budget for us he promises he'll stick to it and never does. The next month its the same. He cares more about what other people think of him than me. I cry every month because of how stressed and scared I am about what he's going to do next or what stupid decision he's going to make that I'll get dragged in to.
Everyone thinks he's this perfect person because he's so nice and helpful and does so much for me but they don't realise I'm completely controlled. When I tried to tell my mum a little bit of what he's like she took his side and said he does so much for you and he had a really bad childhood so it's not surprising. So now I just dont talk to anyone about it anymore.
When I write it down its obvious he's an abuser and if it was anyone else I'd say what are you doing with him but my circumstances are different. I have been severely ill for years. I have never had a paid job, just volunteer ones. I have no money or savings. He is my carer and does everything for me. I have been with him since I was 16 and cant imagine any different.
Even if I managed to get him out how would I support myself. I've really struggled to get PIP so that's not a certainty I'll get it again. He wouldn't be able to support me either as he's on a low wage and has the IVA too. Some days at my worst I cannot even get up and make food or clean. I can't maintain the house or garden and cant afford to pay anyone. He always tells me I'll never manage without him and it's true. The other month I tried to get a new phone put into my name as everythings always been in his and I wanted to try separating myself from him slowly but I got refused as I've never had credit in my life. It made me so upset as I need a phone, its my only contact with people sometimes. So then if he leaves how will I do things like that?
Also, I'm scared of being alone and because I've been so ill lately the only way I leave the house is if he takes me for a drive or something. Otherwise I'd never get out and I know I'd be so depressed. He also takes me to all my appointments otherwise I couldn't get there either.
If I was well I wouldn't be so scared because I would get a job, support myself, could maintain the house, make my own food and even go out there enjoy my life, start socialising again and have fun but because I'm ill none of that will happen anyway so I will just be alone and miserable in other ways.
Also I know I shouldn't after everything he's done (and I haven't even covered half of it) but I still worry how he would cope. He has no friends or family that he sees. He has no money to move anywhere and no one to help him. He says I'm his best friend and all he has. The weird thing is he admits everything he's done, he cries about it, says he hates himself for what he's done. He says he'll change everytime and he'll never do it again and then a month later we have the same conversations again. I cant trust him with anything whether its money, women, sex or his temper. I'm sick of being anxious and on edge but he makes me believe he can stop but after 20 plus years I think that's unlikely. I even doubt myself sometimes that it's that bad because there'll be a month where he's perfect and doesn't put a foot wrong and is really kind and helpful and then he'll do it all again. It's just exhausting.
Does anyone have any advice of how to sort this mess out?