Children struggling as not able to see their father

[Justmeandme19]

I'm not sure what I'm hoping for by posting this. Maybe others have been in similar situations? Who knows.
My children are not able to see their father. This has been through the family courts and only letter writing was permitted, how ever he hasn't bothered. So basically the children have no contact with himwhat so ever.
I had no choice but to take it to court as their father was not only abusing me but them too (we were already divorced). I had no choice but to safeguard the children. They don't remember a lot of the bad stuff which happened while they were at his house. They do how ever continue to miss him. This is not all the time but something will trigger it and they will cry and ask why their not seeing him. I keep it to an age appropriate answer but of course this doesn't really help.
Not only do I struggle with feeling guilty (even though this is not my fault). I know this will continue through out their childhood. I'm wondering how others have coped with this?
Sometimes they ask me to call him or to ask the judge to change his mind. Obviously neither of these things are appropriate. Just makes me feel bloody sad for them and somehow guilty? Any advise on how to deal with this long term? Thank you

What age are they? The nspcc used to have good advice in these circumstances, you aren't the first and won't be the last

How old are they? Mine are 8, 5 and 3 and they're not allowed to see their father due to safeguarding concerns. The first 6 months was quite rocky but its settling down now. I sometimes get really low about it too but you have to keep reminding yourself it is what is best for them.

Keep all the evidence for when they are older and can understand. I have a folder of everything and it gets updated regularly with any new info I receive (evidence of his continued drug use, convictions etc.) So they understand why I did what I did. If you really feel as though they are struggling, ask the GP or school to refer them for some support.

It gets better, I promise.

Primary school children. They have had quite a bit of help already. I understand they miss him but it's just so hard to handle esp as I obviously don't want to tell them too much or be negative about him. You end up feeling like the worse parent in the world. But I know keeping them safe is more important.

The most important thing is an outlet for their immediate feelings. You could suggest they write to him when they miss him - nothing too laboured, just a quick card or they could put a message on the back of a drawing from school. You could then post them (if that's allowed) with a cover note to him, saying: the children were thinking of you today and wanted to send you these drawings.

You need some healthy self-talk messages at the ready for when you feel guilty. E.g. "Not only am I not the worst mother in the world, I am one of the best, for getting myself and them safely away from what would have been a dangerous and disastrous life. I have protected them so well that they only have good memories of him now and I am such a good parent that I am keeping it that way. So guilt and shame can shove off and go and sit on his shoulders instead. I'm doing fine."

Might feel forced but it is effective to practise healthy self talk to counter negative and distorting self-talk.

No children not able to send him letters.
Making any contact with him would not be a good idea. He showed no acknowledgement that his behaviour was abusive or the impact it had on the children. He believes its all my fault, and I'm sure would tell them that given half a chance. He was given a lot of chances to maintain some level of contact but he chose not too.
It's hard not to be angry with him as his actions have again caused the children stress. But I carnt do anything about it.
I guess. Its a matter of plodding along and trying to keep the topic as light and breezy as possible and not to take it to heart when the kids want to see him or they get upset.

Just ackowedging they miss him but that it can't be changed is probably enough.

BUt if not you could ry something gently age appropriate just to eb sure they know why.

It's OK to say that something general like "the judge said no because Daddy wasn't kind to mummy and you and wouldn't promise not to do it again'. Or even neutrally describe some of the less serious examples like "we can't see him so that Daddy can't shout and make us feel frightened again like he did at [e.g.Christmas] that time".

I know you don't want to tell them too much or be negative but at primary age they will absolutely remember stuff, even if not they are not letting on to you how much. My sister was only just 5 when my parents split and she could absolutely remember specific incidents even 3 years later. I was a few years older and could recall even more, but more generally just the feeling of dread & tension in the house. It's OK to be honest with them in a gentle way.

I agree the suggestion of them writing a card or letter might be a good way for them to express their feelings, but don't lie and say you are posting it if you can't do that, as they will expect a reply and then be upset they haven't had one.

Perhaps get them a journal/exercise book each where can record their feelings in either words or pictures and write messages to him if they are not able to have any contact at all.
I have witnessed the pain that children feel when they are unable to see their absent parent due to either safeguarding or bereavement...its heartbreaking. There are also some good books out there aimed at children who are experiencing this. It is so very sad when this happens but remember, this is not of your doing. It was him who chose to be aggressive and the blame lies with him.

I've got them journals before etc. The kids receive a lot of support from school and of course me and the rest of their family.
I think it's actually me that kind of needs the support. I just find it hard as I want the best for them and and not seeing their father upsets them. It feels as if its damage limitation at this stage. Kind of this is the best outcome from such a rubbish situation.
But how do i manage in this situation, its so emotionally draining. I guess a big thing is resigning myself to knowing they are going to get upset and miss him and this may well not stop. Of course when their adults they can make their own mind up on if they want to see him or not. Just makes me feel so so sad!

I have 4 under 11 and they don’t see their dad because he doesn’t want to see them

We are in a similar situation, although he has been in touch on and off over the years. Usually when there was a girlfriend on the scene. I never kept it breezy. Age appropriate, yes, but effectively not having a dad, what happened to them and the scars it has left aren't breezy topics. At first I told them about how his problems made him too angry to be around. But when they kept pushing the point I told them that he'd hurt them and that the judge had decided he couldn't see them until he'd calmed down. Although they had a temporary set back but they clearly needed to hear it, because they knew it to be the truth. It settled their questions and desire to see him. Now they are older and can see how little he's tried with the indirect contact and have basically given up on him. I imagine the question of seeing him will come up again when they're older teenagers and I then plan to have a fairly open discussion with them, so they can make up their mind themselves.