Anyone awake? Think I need help not sure if over reacting *TW talk of past sexual abuse*

[catdoghamster]

Been with my partner for ten years. Woke up tonight to him watching porn (presumably masturbating) While he was doing this I was asleep just in my pants and facing him pressed up against his chest he had his arm around me when I turned round he quickly turned the phone screen off I couldn't see in detail what he was looking at (am very shortsighted) but I think a close up on women's body parts.

I just dont understand why he had to do this so close to me. I had gone to bed early he could easily have done this downstairs on the sofa or in the spare room or anywhere else. I don't see why he waited until he was in bed with me. We don't live with anyone else or have children.

I am not sure if I'm over reacting he knows I don't want to be involved in his porn watching and would rather he didn't watch it all although I accept it's a decision for him.

Background is he knows I was raped by a previous partner (including when asleep and unconscious) and how much I've struggled with this. It just feels really insensitive but I don't know what to make of it . I came to sleep on the sofa he is saying he has no idea what he's done wrong. I haven't confronted him properly am worried he will just deny it. I felt really sick for about half an hour but now just struggling to sleep :(

Your feelings are entirely valid! Even if you didn’t have this history of abuse, many people would find what he did incredibly violating. That he knows about your previous trauma and claims he “has no idea what he’s done wrong” is really concerning. Have you explicitly drawn the connection for him between what he’s done tonight and your past abuse? If he continues to try to defend himself after that, I would start to wonder if there are other signs that he doesn’t take your feelings seriously.

Hi

Thanks so much for replying feeling so alone. I haven't yet but I will in the morning explain properly to him I just felt shaken up and didn't want to argue in the middle of the night :(. I think if he doesn't take it seriously I'll have to end things I can't live my life being scared to sleep again it's too hard for me. He is normally supportive and understanding but we will see whether he admits what he was doing

Yes, I think trying to find out if he can be understanding once you’ve made the connection for him is important. I would find it hard to be with someone who couldn’t take my feelings seriously when it comes to something so sensitive.

I hope you’re able to get some rest! There is nothing worse than that middle-of-the-night hurt and alone feeling. I have been there too many times myself. Whatever happens with your conversation, you are a strong person, and good for you for holding your boundaries around this! You are doing the right thing for yourself by not just pushing these feelings aside. This internet stranger is proud of you!

Hi OP,
I think he has not made the connection. (at least I hope that is the case)
from his perspective, you were asleep and he was watching pron which you wouldn't see because you were alseep.

I entirely understand why him doing it while you were there asleep would be massively triggering for you. But I am betting he hasn't made that connection.

Explain that to him, why it felt so wrong. Ask him to respect your wish that he doesn't do it again. This is the key point. A good loving partner will immediately get it and make sure that it doesn't happen again.

On a slightly separate note, I too hate pron and would struggle ot be with someone who thinks it is an essential part of their life, so you are not being unreasonable hating his porn habit, the question is, is the rest of the relationship worth that compromise or not?

So sorry about your experience

I would sit him down and say your behaviour last night triggered very bad memories for me , while masturbation may be normal for you - I feel uncomfortable with you watching porn and doing that whilst I am in the same position I was when I was abused

I don't want to live like this so how can you reassure me that this never happens again or shall we just end things today ?

If there are other parts of the relationship that are not good - I'd not even bother , just leave
Have you had some help with the past @catdoghamster ?

I agree with others that it's important that he realises why you were so upset and that his reaction will tell you what you need to know.
Does he respond with care and concern or does he brush it off or tell you you're wrong etc

How's everything else? Happy, does he treat you well generally?

You'll find out when you talk to him whether this was something he just didn't make the connection with and fancied once in bed with you. Perhaps he didn't want to disturb you once asleep, particularly knowing your experience or maybe not. His reaction will let you know but yanbu to feel this way, it's understandable, as is not wanting a scene in the middle of the night so moving to the sofa. Bottom line is you need to feel secure and safe to be asleep

Thanks everyone your responses are so appreciated.

I managed to get back to sleep haven't long been up and he is working this morning but I'll speak to him this afternoon. I will update with what he says.

Yes the relationship is otherwise good and I would think that it is probably as you have said that he didn't think but I'll make clear it's never to happen again it's just over the line for me. It's frustrating having to explain things that to me are so obvious but I guess if it was a genuine mistake I can live with it.

And sorry I forgot to answer I had some EMDR and counselling which I think broke PTSD cycle I lived in for so long and I can now function fairly well. I intend to have more counselling but for various reasons probably won't be able to for another few months. X

He is adamant that's not what he was doing and says he wouldn't do that cause it's weird... not sure what to do I guess maybe give him the benefit of the doubt with a stern warning that it's not too happen in the future and if it does that'll be it :/

He is otherwise very kind towards me so it's a hard one