Virtual slap needed

[Mimzical]

Hi ladies,

I am not in a good place right now and need kind words.

I have been in a relationship for 4 years and I moved in with my partner 3 years ago into his house where he already had a mortgage. Things were great and I invested my savings into his house as I believed he was “the one” and we were making a future together.

The snag has always been his drinking. He is a high functioning alcoholic, so when an argument happens they can get ugly and he will react with anger and be irrational. I admit I am a stubborn and defensive person and am certainly not blameless in these arguments however on a handful of occasions he has lashed out and told me he wants to break up and I must leave his house immediately. This is devastating for me- I consider it my home, I have invested my savings and I am heartbroken when he behaves like this. Yet, stupidly after a grand apology from him several days later and promises that he will never do it again we will kiss and make up, I return home and we bumble along together relatively happily.

He finally announced last week that he was going to give up alcohol and I hoped things would really improve. Instead, the opposite has happened and he has turned into a monster literally overnight after giving up the booze. He has made my life hell this week- He has been picking fights all week, dragging up old arguments from months ago, criticising the housework that I have done (I am the only one that actually does the housework) and he seems to have gone out of his way to be as nasty and as unpleasant as possible. Things have been difficult for me recently- my dad passed away a few months ago, I very recently had a miscarriage and my work has been horrendously stressful. It all came to a head today as he told me I either had to quit my job or he will break up with me. Due to his past behaviour of kicking me out of his house when he is angry, I said I need my job so I can continue to have financial independence. He has told me he no longer wants to be with me and I have to leave his house immediately. Luckily my mum lives close by and will always let me stay so I have packed up a few things and gotten out but I am devastated at losing my home and the man that I loved (which incidentally is not the monster that has appeared this week).

I know this is not ok - if a friend told me the same story I would tell her to run a mile but yet I still bloody love him and wish he would just stop behaving like this and we can sort it all out. I really cannot understand his behaviour as 99% of the time things are great but I know I am stupid for letting someone treat me like this. I need to let go of this relationship but am finding it difficult to accept as I have been in this position before. I need a virtual slap around the face so I can get my life back together away from him. Please help, I am a mess.

Sorry to hear your situation OP

Definitely the right thing to leave this relationship - and don’t be tempted to go back if he goes through a ‘good’ phase again.

Also I’m sure I’ve read on this forum that you may legally be entitled to some share of the house if you invested savings. Someone more knowledgeable than me will be along shortly to hopefully verify this.

Good luck.

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond, I really appreciate it.

My mum has said I could probably fight for a share in the house but tbh I just want back the money I put in which he always says he will pay me. I think I trust him when he says this.

He has a lot of money in savings so he has the means to pay me back- this is what is so frustrating is that he seems to lose nothing by behaving this way but I lose everything - my home, my partner, my life in one swoop.

Thank you for your kind words x

If he's got so much money, why on earth did you have to plough your life savings into his property without any entitlement in return? I think the answer could be control. He meant to put you in a position of financial reliance, just so whatever bad way he treated you, you wouldn't leave him. This is exactly why he wanted you to quit your job.
If you have bank statements and receipts for home improvements, you may well be able to claim it back, but I don't share your optimism that he will pay you voluntarily. He will want to keep you as vulnerable as possible, and try to claw you back in with sob stories, so be prepared for that, and don't waver.
Learn from this, never invest in property until your name is on the mortgage, it's a golden rule. Anyone who is prepared to take all your money without protecting you, has a hidden agenda from the start. His was control over you.

He wants to cause you to leave as an excuse to resume drinking.

It's very sad.

There is nothing there for you, get out.

You asked for kind words as well as a slap, so I'll go with kind words

He makes you miserable, that much is clear. Having experienced the alcohol side myself I can tell you absolutely that PP is right, he's orchestrating this as he's decided that actually he does want to drink but wants to save face.

That's not to say that you're allowed to read my previous paragraph and rationalise with yourself that you could 'allow' him to drink without giving him a hard time about 'quitting quitting' and somehow it'll all be ok. It won't.

Due to his past behaviour of kicking me out of his house when he is angry

This part rang so true with me as well. I have lived in a relationship in a house that wasn't mine, and every time I put a toe out of line, my security, my home, was snatched away from me. I was always on edge, never felt secure, constantly on the verge of frustrated tears that it could all be gone purely because the wind was blowing in the wrong direction and the unpredictable whims of a narcissist.

I am telling you right now, that my tiny flat, with all it's flaws, is infinitely better because it's mine. Everybody needs somewhere they can actually call home, not just somewhere they are a permanent guest.

Build a secure, happy life without this man. I promise you you will never look back.

Sorry op
I have also recently split with an alcoholic

It might be the case that the mere threat of you engaging a solicitor will be enough for him to give you the money back

Work out how much you think you are owed . Put it into a document and send it to him and tell him if you can't reach an agreement between yourselves you will take it further

He told you to quit your job or he will break up with you? He is not a good person OP.

I would 100% ask for a financial settlement and take the rest of my things
This will never end well for you
So sorry you in this position @Mimzical but honestly you will be better off out
His drinking or non drinking is his problem and you will never fix that
Only he can do that
You deserve better 💐

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply, It helps so much to see it in black and white in this thread how unhealthy this is.

@Sparklfairy - you explained it so much better than I could, the feeling of insecurity where your home is dependent on someone's mood swing. It's great to hear a positive outcome and I bet your flat is perfect

Have you been to an Al anon meeting or looked at info for people who live with alcoholics? That will help you understand some of the emotional dynamics here and help you unhook from him. His primary relationship is with alcohol, I'm afraid, not you,and nothing you can do will change that. You need support from others who have been there, it's not easy but you can definitely get free of this unhealthy relationship.

I feel for op and I agree with the pp, you need to get your money back & move on.
I was in your position once, oh used to throw me out & I'd end up at my mums then he'd reel me back, not having a secure home is the worst feeling in the world.
I got pregnant then I got smart, I ended it for good, eventually got a mortgage & despite now being in a LTR I would never throw my lot in with current oh.
We live in my house, my oh would like us to buy a property together, I'm in my 50's there no way I'll risk being homeless or having to sell up & start again.
Leave him for good op, he's not going to change, this will be the pattern of your life if you don't take action.
You love him but he doesn't care about you, no one would throw the person they love out of their own home 💐

You really need to end this altogether. Whether you get the money back or not, it would be worth the price to get free of something so unhealthy.

And sorry for your losses.

You might want to read up about co-dependence and do a bit of work on your boundaries to understand why you haven't protected your own interests in this relationship, before dating again.

As others have said- figure out a rough amount you think he owes you and email him. Threaten to involved solicitors etc and hopefully he will just pay up to get you off his back.
But bear in mind had you been paying rent on a property you’d also have nothing to show for it so don’t be too harsh on yourself about the money.
Walk away though now- he’s shown you who he is. And you need to stop being the only one fighting for the version of him that he “can” be (but often isn’t).

How did you give him the money?

Do you have bank transfers?

You need to get your evidence of transferring him money and speak with a solicitor.

If he has plenty of money, and agrees he should return your money, why isn't he doing it already?

You need to get ot back ASAP.

You deally shouldn't have been giving him money/putting money into.his house without some sort of legal agreement anyway.

@Notagain20 This is really helpful advice- I was aware of groups for the actual alcoholic but I wasn't aware there was support for the people around the alcoholic- thank you.
There has been times where he has accused me of being the reason he drinks so much but he drank heavily before we met so I know that's the alcoholic in him talking. Despite his drinking he still maintains a good job and everyone down the pub thinks he is a "good laugh" which I think has made it harder for him to accept out loud that he actually has a big problem with drink. I have wondered if a a lot of his behaviour towards me is frustration as he knows deep down he has a problem and he knows I know he has a problem and dosnt want to confront it so lashed out.

It sounds like he decided he wanted to abuse you more this week so he 'announced he was giving up alchohol' as a precursor. So that you would ve telling yourself 'it's because he is withdrawing from the booze'. Its not. He is abusive. When he is drunk or sober. An abuser.

Time to go.

Points to @Megasausagehead - just been to the house to pack up my belongings. Luckily he wasn't there but the recycling bin was full of bottles. Suspect he is down the pub making up for lost time the last week. It just feels so desperately sad.

(Love your name btw)

@Mimzical

Points to *@Megasausagehead* - just been to the house to pack up my belongings. Luckily he wasn't there but the recycling bin was full of bottles. Suspect he is down the pub making up for lost time the last week. It just feels so desperately sad.

(Love your name btw)

Thanks.

I'm so sorry he treated you this way. His priority is alcohol. Yours needs to be you.

@Megasausagehead

He wants to cause you to leave as an excuse to resume drinking.

It's very sad.

There is nothing there for you, get out.

This! It's exactly what my bil has done to my sister last year. He knew full well he couldn't/wouldn't quit so he ramped up his vile behaviour till she had to leave. Now he's free to drink as much as he likes. And she's happy now she's had some time to get over it all.

@blissfulllife I'm glad there is light at the end of this tunnel. At the moment I feel like I have lost everything due to a mood swing. This gives me hope

Just a little update- I received numerous texts from ex demanding I finish picking up all my stuff from the house (or he will throw my things outside in the rain). I have now retrieved all of my belongings and given back my keys.

Good news - I have the money I invested in the house back in my account except he has kindly informed me that I left a few empty boxes and other bits so he has deducted £100 "for the cost of disposing your shit. I don't want to hear from you ever again." Insane. I cannot understand why he is so angry, petty and bitter when he has caused all of this. I have not responded to any of his messages.

This is going to spur me on to get on with my life. I may need help in a few days when I start to think I am missing him.

Well done. What an arsehole he has proved himself.

It would be worth doing a bit of work on why you didn't protect your own interests going into this, about boundaries in relationships and maybe a kick of the MH tyres around co-dependence issues etc so you don't end up in similar relationships in future.

Well done OP. Hopefully him being so horrible is making it easier for you in the sense that you aren't feeling regret or indecision. Wishing you all the best for the future

OP you need him about as much as you need to saw off your own head.

You are free.

It will feel strange, because you have been used to x, y, z for years. Strange is not bad. It is different. That can be fun. It's how you choose to see it.

Take some time whilst it is fresh to write down all of the things you will not miss. I will start you off....

I will not miss always being second priority to alcohol.

Now to be absolutely honest, you may well be hit by overwhelming exhaustion in the coming month. This is not an indication that you have or are making the wrong decision. It is a sign that for far too long you have been dealing with this mental pressure and tiptoeing around his moods and demands. For once, finally having the space to feel stuff, we collapse for a while. That is ok, it is part of healing.

You can do this