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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Apologise to old crush?

26 replies

hmwhattodo · 24/07/2021 22:57

Quite a few years ago, I worked with somebody who I considered a friend and nothing more, Person A (woman). At the time, I never thought about them romantically. We occasionally saw each other outside work, sometimes just the two of us.

I started seeing somebody, Person B (man). I won't go into all the details, but Person B came to the conclusion that Person A had a crush on me. After a couple months or so, Person A moved to a different department at work. We still spoke occasionally, but didn't see each other outside work except for when they came to my leaving do. We didn't keep in tough after I left my job.

A few years down the line and still in a relationship with Person B, I started to question my sexuality. By chance, I crossed paths with Person A during this time and everything fell into place. I realised that I'd had a crush on them and with regards to acknowledging my sexuality, it was a significant moment for me. It was overwhelming in the moment too, so I didn't stop to speak to Person A. We've seen each other a few times since, but not spoken at all.

For reasons that aren't relevant here, I couldn't tell Person B what was going through my head. In turn, I couldn't be honest with Person A about why I had essentially ignored them. I tried reaching out over text and got no response, though I don't know for certain that they still have the same number. I have since split from Person B.

On the one hand, I think life is too short to not give Person A an honest explanation and apology. Even if there were never feelings on her side, we were friends at one time.

On the other hand, it was years ago now and I appreciate the moment probably was not as significant to her, so it seems best to leave it.

Any outside perspectives appreciated.

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 24/07/2021 23:03

I’m afraid you lost me at quite

hmwhattodo · 24/07/2021 23:09

Thank you. Really insightful.

OP posts:
nicecheesegromit · 24/07/2021 23:11

Naaa, let sleeping dogs lie and move on

FeelingLikeAnAlien · 24/07/2021 23:14

I would wonder what your motive is? Do you want to consider a relationship with A now? Or friendship? An ego boost perhaps? I would make sure you are clear and honest about your reasons for contacting A at this time.

spotcheck · 24/07/2021 23:15

Just leave it.
Friendships fizzle all the time.

pastafeend · 24/07/2021 23:16

So now you have split up with B you are focusing on your past. Person A won't be. Move forward.

Essentialironingwater · 24/07/2021 23:18

I think it will come across as weird. Especially if you explain and it's unrequited. You reached out by text and they obviously have decided not to engage. Personally I'd move on.

Yescheese · 24/07/2021 23:21

Sorry if I am being overly literal but do you mean that your friendship fizzled naturally, then literally one day you saw her and you didn't stop to talk to her? Or, do you mean you crossed paths as in you got back in touch?

3luckystars · 24/07/2021 23:23

I don't know what you are apologizing for though?

TheFoundations · 24/07/2021 23:26

Why are you bothering yourself with this?

xsquared · 24/07/2021 23:33

If you ignored A first and then received no response after you tried to text, then I'd leave it.

There's no point in revisiting something that never was.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 24/07/2021 23:37

You are welcome.

As you say it was years ago.

And a really long muddled post for a ftp and not worthy of a nc.

Time to move on.

hmwhattodo · 24/07/2021 23:56

If you don't think I deserve replies, then just don't reply. Why bother typing anything?

Thanks for the other responses.

I'm not sure it fizzled out as such. My ex told me to keep my distance from her and I did as far as possible. She wasn't the only friend that he tried to cut out of my life.

But, yes, it was years ago. Thanks again.

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 25/07/2021 00:02

Please point out where i said that OP.

Clue? I didn’t.

It was a very convoluted post for something that isn’t worth the headspace for something so long ago.

Really. Like others said. Move on.

hmwhattodo · 25/07/2021 00:13

Fair enough. I think there was an implication that my post would have been acceptable if I wasn't a FTP. Not sure why the judgement was necessary, when "move on" would have been enough.

I take your point. I think it's hard to impossible for anyone who hasn't questioned later in life to understand that process, but it's good to have a range of perspectives.

OP posts:
MondeoFan · 25/07/2021 08:15

How could you get back in touch with A if they didn't respond to your text?
Was there never any fleeting moments of attraction before?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 25/07/2021 08:23

If you know that A is gay (I'm assuming you're a woman) then I would send a text or email apologising for withdrawing and explaining that you were scared of your attraction to her.

You literally have nothing to lose here - she's not currently in your life and I'm assuming you wouldn't have been attracted to her if she was a gossipy shit who would try to shame you for that.

If you don't know her sexuality then I would leave it. Because if she's 100% het, it's going to make her feel reallllly awkward.

Person B sounds really horrible - have you looked at emotional abuse, done the freedom program etc?

Bluntness100 · 25/07/2021 08:30

I think too much time has passed op, do you even know if this woman is BI/gay, or was that sone fantasy of your ex’s?

ChloeAndRadcliffe · 25/07/2021 08:43

I would 100% leave it. As Bluntness says, do you even know if Person A is gay, and if she is, did she actually fancy you? Or was that just a tactic on your ex's part to get you to ditch her? You say yourself that he had form for trying to isolate you from your friends.

If I were Person A, I would think you were pretty arrogant to assume that I'd been eating my heart out over you for all these years, even if I did have feelings for you at one time. If you feel a need to explain, however, I would frame it as "I'm really sorry I dropped you as a friend, my ex was abusive and one of his tactics was to socially isolate me. I'd like to be back in touch but I understand if you don't want to". Or something like that. Leave the romantic feelings to one side for now.

Aprilx · 25/07/2021 08:52

I am struggling to understand how anyone could suddenly realise that they had a crush on someone years before, I have always been very aware at the time when I have had a crush on someone.

Nobody I have ever had a crush on has ever contacted me years later to apologise and neither have I done similar to someone else. This is all very bizarre. Leave it alone now and stop acting weird, you are probably freaking A out.

Howcanthisbe123 · 25/07/2021 08:57

Sounds like your only bothering now because it didn’t work out with B.

You should move on, no one wants to be second best no matter what excuse you give, which is “I was confused” 🙄

AgentJohnson · 25/07/2021 10:36

Think about this rationally, you have no evidence that this woman had a crush on you and even if she did, you were in a relationship. If everyone apologised to people that had crushes on them, there would be a lot of unnecessary apologising going on.

You don’t want to apologise to this woman, you want an opportunity to explore a ‘might have been’. Maybe you should focus your energy on being honest with yourself.

girlmom21 · 25/07/2021 10:43

So in essence you want to tell this woman you fancy her even though you've ignored her for years?

Mylittlecoconuts · 25/07/2021 10:53

Have you felt any attraction to other females apart from A since acknowledging your sexuality?

When was the last time you saw or had any contact with A?

I'm guessing that after being in a somewhat controlling relationship, you started fantasising on someone you thought might have had a crush on you and would maybe treat you better. It doesn't matter if this was a few years ago because you are keeping it all alive in your head so it maybe doesn't feel that long ago.

It's hard to know what the right thing to do is, but the healthiest thing would be to move on and not give it all anymore head-space

hahahayoumustbejoking · 25/07/2021 11:01

First of all be honest about your motives. It's not to apologise etc it's because you want to explore your sexuality with her. Dressing it up as something else is a waste of time.

If you do contact her again be honest as to why so at least everyone is making a decision based on full facts. If you get rejected, so be it.