Covid and relationship strains

[24601mary]

Okay, so this might be long winded and a bit complicated but hoping someone bares with me and can give me a little advice or reassurance or even just a virtual hug !!!

Just wondering if anyone is out there who has been living and working from home with their other half for the entirety of the last 18month covid period?

Myself, husband and 2year old live in a small mid terraced house - you know the 2 up 2 down sort where you have to walk through every room to get to the next room - there's no closing a door and keeping yourself away without the other person neeeint to walk through to either get to the kitchen or the loo or the other room!!. My husband has built himself a little corner nook in our dining room out of IKEA book shelves to hide himself away in to work, he even put a curtain rail up lol - it gives a tiny bit of privacy .

I am fortunate to work at my PIL house 2 days a week whilst they play with our daughter snd my husband has a bit of space for 2 days

His mental health is declining with the sheer monotonous of it and so is mine - and he has found out that his team are indefinitely working from home now . Lots of other teams are returning to the office but his is not. (This was a job he got during lockdown after being freelance so he is still relatively new to the team and the company. The actual office isn't actually local to us, it's an hour and a half away )

We were in the process of relocating closer to his work - we had the mindset that we would be all ready and waiting for when he could return to the office , our daughter could settle into a preschool there and I was able to work from home flexibly around preschool. But due to many emotional and stressful reasons (mainly on my part because I felt guilty for leaving my mum behind and I just couldn't deal with the guilt any longer ) we pulled out .

We are now back to square one. Living and working in the same small house and getting under each other's feet.
We cannot bare to start looking for a new house straight away because where would we look - our home town knowing he is working remotely forever!? Or go back to the idea of relocating for the chance he might be called into the office after covid ?!

This is his dream job and a massive company so he wants to stay here for life if he can, and now he is in the idea of moving around teams is something he is wanting to do to further his development - so relocating seems sensible so that we don't have to pull our daughter out or school a few years down the line

Anyway - crux of the matter is that we are both going insane now. We are miserable and it's affecting our relationship as there's just nothing to talk about or be excited for- life is this from now on , under these four walls all together - all living and working .

We keep being told how well we are doing because most couples wouldn't have lasted living like this - but I worry that if this continues like this much longer with no change , we will just drift apart emotionally through no fault of our own and nothing malicious or nasty - just out of sheer boredom .

Can anyone relate at all?

Hello OP. Whilst my situation isn't quite the same as yours I can totally relate to your struggles. My mental health has taken a nosedive these past few months too. I live on my own, near my parents but about 2 hours away from my friends and boyfriend, and have been WFH. Since lockdown has been easing I feel more and more left behind and feelings of loneliness and isolation and monotony are starting to take over.

I completely empathise with your situation. We're still in a really uncertain place and it's really really hard to plan anything solid. Could you maybe use this time to look for a new location which would suit your husband for work and also be near your mum whilst you decide what to do?

Thank you @Geogaddi
It is really hard isn't it. It's so easy to get caught up in your own little bubble of struggles and forget that others are struggling too in their own personal ways . I think it's the fact it's been going on for such a long time now and there just doesn't seem any light at the end of the tunnel yet (despite the so called "freedom day"!!)

Have you managed to see your boyfriend and friends very much ? 2 hours is quite a distance so I can totally understand how that would feel even further away during covid times .

Thank you for your suggestions , I am hopeful that once we are in the right head space again we will start to reconsider our options . A half way point does seem like the best solution , it's just pinpointing where that would be and working out good schools etc ! I just wish his work would let him in the office ! That would give us the space we would need during the days and give my husband a bit of sanity back!

Hello,

Yes it is hard! I've seen my partner but the friends thing is a bit more tricky (whole other thread there.) I don't know the details of your situation enough but does sound like it would make sense to use this strange time to come up with a future plan that would work for you both. It could be a positive thing finding a new place to explore together, although I realise that's quite a romanticised view of what is a very stressful time. I hope you're not going too insane right now and are managing to find some positive things in life. Just remember this won't be forever, things always change. x x

I suggest OP you stay put but he gets a desk space in a shared centre (I do this) there are tons of them around these days. Yep it’s about £200 a month or so but cheaper than moving or a bigger mortgage and gives you a bit of company around you and the other person ‘space’ Also can give you that ‘going to work’ feeling.

I can totally relate. We were planning to immigrate and our application is totally on hold, so our next big adventure is just on pause and it's really demotivating. We're hoping next year.....

We are also struggling with not much to talk about, so we've started a new at-home hobby together so we can do a bit more bonding. We've also been doing couples counselling and that has been helpful in such weird circumstances. It definitely hasn't been easy and has shone a light on how different we are....

I think PP's suggestion of him finding a workspace to go to 1-2 days a week could be good for both of you. But it sounds like maybe you need to make a vague 5-year plan? Now that his team distribution will be remote, and bearing in mind the situation with your DParent, where do you WANT to be? What lifestyle do you want that would make you both happy?

And, you've talked a lot about DHs work. What about his non-work life? Does he have other hobbies/pursuits? Just wondering about his general sense of life purpose, and yours I suppose? Since this is all going longer than any of us thought, I think it's a good chance to reassess what's important to us and what we want from our lives.

So, can certainly relate and I hope you're both able to figure things out

Lots of cafes near me encourage people to come in and work from there. Buying a few coffees through the morning and lunch there are couple of times a week would work out cheaper than renting office space too! Maybe something to look into to get him out of the house for a bit.

Maybe you could consider doing the same somewhere near your parents so that you drop off the DC and then go and work somewhere different just for a change of scenery.

I know it can be hard when you’ve nothing to talk about because you haven’t been anywhere or done anything. At least if you’re both out of the house you might have some stories to tell when you come home and will actually be pleased to see each other!

I know exactly how you feel, we have both been working from home throughout the whole covid period (and homeschooled when schools were shut or when bubbles burst and kids were at home) From the outside we have done ok, I've had the same comments that we must be ok and other couples wouldn't have lasted etc but it is really taking its toll now, we are both fed up and it is a massive strain on our relationship. Can't really add anything helpful but you are not alone!

@Onecreamteatoomany - thank you so much for taking the time to comment! Im sorry to hear you are in the same situation too but selfishly it is nice to hear that we aren't alone with the same feelings.

Homeschooling must have been so so tough for you . I can't begin to imagine how hard that must be whilst juggling work too.

Can I ask how you are managing to get by? Do you have a plan for the future - as in do your need a bigger house to work from home from ? Or have the offices told you they will reopen at some point?

Our biggest fear at the moment is just not knowing what the future holds and the thought of working from home forever or even if it is for another year is just awful!

Not sure what the plan is going forward! My office is slowly reopening but i won't be back in until at least September. We are lucky that we don't need a bigger house but I am definitely looking forward to going back to the office, I'm sure I will spend a bit more time there than I need to when I can, just to enjoy the change of scenery and conversation! I think the main problem is I rarely have any time on my own and I really need that quiet to recharge. I have met up with colleagues who live fairly locally just for a chat outdoors, maybe you could both do this? Or friends nearby who are also WFH would probably welcome a chat at lunchtime?