Work life balance, husband taking advantage

[Paperbear]

I have two children and my husband lost his job a few years ago due to injury and at the time he lost his confidence to get into any other kind of work. I have two small children at home and couldn't see any way other than me going to work and him staying at home with the kids.

During the pandemic I managed to setup my own online business which my husband went along with and helps with small tasks but I am the driving force behind it. This means I can work and be with the kids which is great.

We used to share cooking tasks but now he cooks once a week and I cook the rest of the time.

I am starting to feel a bit overwhelmed with work and home life but don't feel that my husband really understands. When I bring it up he says I'm selfish and am acting superior and just get on with what we are doing.

Is there anything I can do to make things feel more balanced without causing any further issues.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

How many hours do you both work?

Firstly, well done on starting your business.

Secondly, what does he do with all his time? He doesn’t sound like a very kind man.

We don't have set hours, we can be working at any time from 5am to midnight on some days, other days it could be 9-1pm. My husband couldn't take over the business and run it on his own, I need to be there for all decisions.

Sounds like you are very responsible and focussed.

It does sound very challenging.
Can you tell us a bit more about your business and how the household finances & tasks are managed?

He watches lots of YouTube and I can't get him out of the chair on some days, but I don't want his behaviour to hold me back with work so I ignore it.

Home businesses involving both members of the couple are fraught with problems. I did it for years, like you was the driving force and breadwinner while having kids, bf-ing, housework etc. He did admin and tiny amount of income earning, I mean tiny. Raised it with him, asked him to use his previous skills to find other employment as I needed help and he point blank refused. Was the beginning of the end for us.

Your dp has it far too easy and can't hide behind lack of confidence, he is an adult and needs to wake up and get back out there.

How bad was his injury? Is there any reason he can’t do stuff around the house? Because he just sounds pretty lazy/ entitled otherwise.

What’s he like on childcare, cleaning, admin etc? Fo you do most of that as well?

You can't do anything "without causing further issues" but your absolutely must do something. You need to make it clear in cold, icy cold, language that this is unfair and needs to change. You both need equals hours of effort, and responsibility, whatever they are. If he stems against this you need to make plans to separate because your resentment will grow and grow, rightly.

He calls you selfish, when you're the one doing the bulk of both the work and the housework? Is that right??

Sounds like you’ve got 3 children to look after.

Why is it your responsibility to ‘carry’ this grown adult man?

Why can’t he get a job? And why hasn’t it occurred to him he needs to provide for his family / children?

At this point I would have zero respect for him and the ick would have fully set in as there is nothing less attractive than a lazy man child sitting on his entitled arse watching YouTube all day .

Have you said to him a man without ambition is deeply unattractive?

@Paperbear

You said your H lost his job due to an injury a few years ago, but did the injury actually cause him some kind of disability ?

Is there an actual physical reason why he cannot work now ?

If so, then you should be aware that he should be eligible for PIP, and you may also be entitled to claim Carers Allowance if he needs you to provide help for him. Look into applying if you/he is eligible asap, as these could really help you financially.

If not, and he just doesn't want to work, either due to anxiety or laziness, then you've got a different type of problem.

At the very least, you need to be having a frank discussion about a fairer work/life balance, because him treating you like you're his Mother who should be 'taking care of him' while you're busy trying to earn enough money for the family while he sits on his arse need to stop !

It's great that you were able to 'step up' when he had his accident, but now it's his turn to step up !

If he's just happy having you do everything, then you need to think seriously about ending your marriage, because it would never improve, and your feelings of resentment at his attitude would only get worse.

Build a rota of household duties..his defensiveness is because he knows he has it easier. Just handle it as you would a project for work. Assign tasks to each of you and schedule in working hours.