To what extent is your dp involved with his ex?

[Nowsingleagain]

I recently left my partner after 2 years because of his ongoing-IMO-enmeshment.
She has been invited on our trips out (invited herself but he said yes)
They are in regular contact by text where she adds kisses to the end
They pop to each others house to drop off things 'for the child'
The recent straw was when he arranged to take both our sons to a day out and she asked to come. I got really upset and felt it would send mixed messages to my son. They went anyway. That was it as far as I'm concerned. I feel humiliated and used for company. She has an on off partner and it is always worse when the relationship is 'off'.
Was I being unreasonable? Theyve been divorced 5 years. I honestly wanted commitment soon but think he must still be in love with her to need such regular contact.
I'm feeling better than I was but still feel angry from time to time. Had I known that their relationship was unresolved (which it must be with that level of contact) then there would have been no way I would agree to see him. He has lied as far as I'm concerned and is not available or free to be in a relationship.
I have no contact with my ex so may be skewed in my perception but it just seems abnormal. Why not just stay married?

Well until recently I was still good friends with my ex. Neither of us want to get back together. Still spoke daily about work or kids.

Currently not talking as much unless it's about kids as something has happened in his life but don't see the issue with being friends with your ex.

In your case inviting herself along is weird.

He thinks I am unreasonable and that I need to understand it is best for the child. I am angry I introduced my son to him when the relationship was never going to go anywhere.
I honestly think they are both out of order dating whilst still so close. Maybe I am unreasonable but I always felt very uncomfortable and massively insecure. Its like they've never separated from marriage. I honestly just don't get it at all.
In my head if you separate the relationship is done. Cordial and friendly is good for the kids but not friends. Separate stuff at separate houses. Boundaries. Not long phone calls crying about being divorced. Not turning up at meals out.
Oh and he started putting his phone on silent before he came in my house in case she rang because he felt uncomfortable speaking with her in front of me.
I guess I'm just looking for what's normal for others. I kept rationalizing one off things but he just obviously didn't love me to dismiss my feelings like that. I'm angry he made out he was an honest man to my kid. I don't want my kid thinking if you date someone for a long time then it is normal for them to go out with other women on day trips and for meals.
I want them to know what boundaries are so I had no choice but to leave as I couldn't put up with it any more. Maybe some women are ok with it and more secure than me.

My ex is fully absent so I don’t speak to him at all, I wouldn’t date someone so involved with their ex tbh given that I don’t speak to mine at all I would find it a bit odd but personally I would prefer not to date another parent (I know unpopular opinion)

I suppose thats the thing. Why talk to an ex about your work or general life? Stuff at school or thkngs the kids need sure. Parent's evenings sure. But part of being divorced to me, is becoming 2 separate units. If you're still one unit, even if you dont sleep together, you're still together, haven't moved on and are certainly not free to pretend to others that you are.
I respect their parenting choices as their choice but am very resentful of having been dragged into the enmeshment, particularly since he was so keen for everyone to know we were dating. I do wonder if it was all just a game.

I would have felt the same as you OP and would have been wondering why on earth I was even in his life if he had such regular contact with an ex (except the normal levels of contact expected from divorced co-parents)

Exactly that. He thinks this is normal levels of contact though.
So I gave him no more contact myself. He has tried to be in touch but I just think of the example I am setting my child. I deserve more. I am sorry I trusted him-he seemed quite honest until I actually compared his words to hia actions.
I don't think I would date another parent now even if it means waiting till my child has left home.

DH was too giving to his ex (they had a son together who was 5 when we met) when he and I first started seeing each other, but it came more from a place of guilt at leaving his child - he recognised the relationship between him and his ex was over a long time before it happened, but leaving his son was harder and he over compensated in some respects. Didn't help that ex lived in the (jointly) owned home, and had never been on her own in her adult life - she would call for favours, repairs, extra money etc.

There weren't too many clear boundaries to start off with, so DH would see his son and stay in the house for a few hours, having dinner and cups of tea. He stopped doing that after about 8/9 months as it was having a negative impact on his son who got confused and upset. Ex started seeing someone new and to her credit became far more independent and didn't need DH as much.

Now, 7 years on, they get on well, and occasionally text about their son (12, so he has his own mobile for contact) and other sort of relative things. They can have a joke, no animosity, and do things jointly like parents evening when required. They wouldn't see each other socially or invite each other out for a 'family' day - that sort of thing did happen in the early days of the split but not since DSS was about 6.

I get on really well with her.

Personally I think it's best for my kids that their mum and dad are still friends and can attend children's things like football together. I never used to but I grew up.

Plus I'm on a small island. His sisters are my best friends and my family.

Although I think the pure despair I felt has abated, I do feel very upset still. How can he-either of them- have felt this acceptable to their new partners?
One time I had to encounter her I was practically interviewed by her. I have never been so uncomfortable on my life.
Tbh my gut always felt off but only on relation to the ex. I couldn't get hold of him one night and my gut said they were together though I have no proof of course.
We have argued so many times about it and he never changed anything about it or set boundaries. He clearly didn't value me at all. That's the hardeat part. Why even be with me at all?

My husband's ex phones regularly and asks other people about us. They were engaged over 50 years ago. I laugh about it. He told me she wants him back, I told him she could have him and I'd tie him up in a nice ribbon for her. He doesn't seem to want to go.

I think it has taught me more about what I want. I dont want a partner who has anything at all to do with an ex if I'm honest. Certainly not one who is 'friends' with them rightly or wrongly. If that is how someone chooses to coparent fine but they should be clear and honest that there will be a very close relation with the ex for a long time and give that person a choice of if they want that.
In my case it was minimised or just lied about. She would just turn up at our planned events, to the house whenever she liked. It was like they were together and I was a mistress. Horrible experience.

gran same here apparently she rang crying wanting him back
Like why tell me that? to make me insecure? I think I was a tool to make her jealous and it worked.

@Nowsingleagain

I think it has taught me more about what I want. I dont want a partner who has anything at all to do with an ex if I'm honest. Certainly not one who is 'friends' with them rightly or wrongly. If that is how someone chooses to coparent fine but they should be clear and honest that there will be a very close relation with the ex for a long time and give that person a choice of if they want that. In my case it was minimised or just lied about. She would just turn up at our planned events, to the house whenever she liked. It was like they were together and I was a mistress. Horrible experience.

Yeah no. There is no chance of me turning up at his girlfriends place. Apart from the fact there is a history between us it just wouldn't happen. That's crossing the line.

I’ve been going through something similar. 2 years later and it’s actually getting a worse not better.

We had a baby and we’ve been left on the sidelines whilst they play happy families doing a lot of what has been written above.

You’re right, they may as well have stayed together.

It’s hurtful and I feel your confusion and disappointment.

It’ll probably only stop when his ex gets a new partner.

I also think it’s a type of claim the wife / ex wife has / feels and the husband usually feels guiltily for leaving and likes and needs to be needed / play hero daddy / ex husband. I also got the feeling that my ex didn’t want her to move on so never challenged her behaviour and she never challenged his.

I left.

My parents who separated when I was very young and both found new partners and fathers partner had children of her own, raised me and my siblings similar to this, sometimes holidays together, sometimes day outs together, birthday party’s celebrated with everyone together, both discussed each other’s lives and problems and helped each other out many a time that had nothing to do with us kids, both parents got along great with new partners, for me personally I loved it and it worked well for all of us and I don’t believe either wanted the other back or still held anything like that for each other they did it for us kids and because they both still cared for each other and they families and to help support each other every family is different and it wasn’t for you especially if he didnt even want to consider anything you felt uncomfortable with, I do agree things should not be hidden from any new partners too no matter what your family dynamic is and also agree that some people may do this because they hold a torch for the ex but not always

Kudos for walking away, OP. He has been openly having an emotional affair with his Ex while marginalizing you. This was indeed a dysfunctional relationship model for your son to witness.

You will go from strength to strength while they continue playing their toxic games.

I think given you have no contact with your ex and your partner has a very different set up the dynamics don't work.

Neither of you necessarily wrong but I think you're right in that it's unhealthy and clearly it won't work for you.

I still see my ex, I house sit for him. He comes round for dinner sometimes, he is meant to be replastering my bathroom ceiling for me. Not everyone hates their ex, some of us actually have good relationships, we called time on our marriage before we got to the stage of hating each other. I've gone to him for advice on this guy I like, he has asked me for advice on his new girlfriend(I've had to be diplomatic as I think he is making a big mistake). The guy I like said he thought it was nice that we still got on as we have a lot of history(14 years) to just throw away. He still gets on well with his ex which probably helps him understand it.

There is absolutely no chance of us ever getting back together and we aren't having an emotional affair. We are family is how we described it recently. I wouldn't just turn up at his (unless I was worried about him) and he doesn't just turn up at mine (he calls first).

My OH has a good relationship with his ex too, and it works out really well for the kids. She comes to our house every now and then with the kids for tea, they test and speak daily and this has been the case for years.
I have a decent ish relationship with my ex, we meet socially with our child, do the joint events etc, even meeting up to play football with our son. Personally if we didn't have a child together, I wouldnt speak to him again. However I love my child more than I dislike him

Whether you can deal with it is upto you. Its within your rights to call it a deal breaker. However it's not an emotional affair. It's not inappropriate. It's adults trying to make the best of a bad situation for the sake of their child's mental health.

@Nowsingleagain

gran same here apparently she rang crying wanting him back Like why tell me that? to make me insecure? I think I was a tool to make her jealous and it worked.

I think it all depends if you feel secure or not. I feel secure and I also feel I'd be fine on my own. He tells me what she says and to be honest, I know it's cruel, but we laugh about it. For years she would phone and if I answered she wouldn't speak,we knew it was her as I'd check the number. She is quite pleasant to me now but it is clear she feels I am in the place that should have been hers. I anticipate trouble ahead as her husband is terminally ill, she has suffered with MH in the past and I fear her obsession with my husband will escalate. I suppose we just have to cope with that when it happens.

You were right to leave.

It's fine having a good relationship with your ex if you have kids together, but inviting yourself on trips out etc? Either insanity or feelings causes that, likely feelings here. She does it more when she doesn't have a partner to distract her, so she wants her ex back in her life then. It's like she can't be alone, which is sad in a way. She has little confidence so always needs a man in her life, always needs someone around.

Best to get away from it though. It won't get better or go away. Maybe if a few of his girlfriends leave him for this reason, he will finally see sense but by then it's probably too late.

The fact that he felt uncomfortable interacting with the ex in front of you. That’s the dead giveaway here. They have an emotionally exclusive relationship. They have the added social capital of their child together. Which means they can just ‘bat you away’ by saying ‘it’s for the good of the child’. Which is bollox - I barely speak to my ex and my kids are perfectly fine and they didn’t have mental breakdowns or implode. This sort of closeness between them isn’t a necessity, it’s a choice. A choice others may also make. Personally I find it a bit cowardly. Divorce means letting go and carrying on as your own unit. Parents’ evenings and problem solving re kids -yes. Being flexible and accommodating -yes. Carrying on as though you’re still together -no.

I do think a lot of men are happy for women to drive relationships. For a quiet life. And through social conditioning. They don’t want to say no to the women in their life. This sort of mess ensues.

You were getting breadcrumbs here. But don’t be angry. Speak to your child if they are old enough, explain that you felt he didn’t give your relationship enough because he was still giving too much to his ex. Explain that isn’t enough.

He is a weak man. Go find a better one. Kudos to you for walking away.

My DP is in regular contact with his exW a lot. They have children together. He stays at her house monthly.

It all feels fine to me and I don't feel any boundaries have been crossed. They are not friends but parents.

If it felt any different to me I would walk too.

Good for you for walking.

I think a close friendship is fine when you’re co-parents, including days out and being friendly with new partners and so on. I think it’s nice for the kids to have both parents in the same place for events or here and there. However, this only works if both parties have truly moved on emotionally and in this situation it sounds like they have not.