Will this change things

[Donationwitheverypack]

I have a dear male friend, we've been close 20+ years.

If I'm honest there was a time, in the early days, when it could have been EA territory, but we both agreed that couldn't happen and stepped back for a while. He's one of my closest friends but "just in case" we do limit contact, I probably see him about every other month (much less during Covid), very minimal contact inbetween.

He's been married about 35 years and due to some drunken conversations, I'm aware that they've had their ups and downs, although afaik all good now. I hope so, I'd honestly be pleased for him if his marriage is now everything he hoped it would be.

I had been married almost 30 years, until DH died a few months ago. Friend has been great, not overbearing but there when I needed him. He came home from holiday to be at the funeral and has offered some practical help.

Atm I need people like him around, but I am a bit concerned that my new "single" status might change things, not least from his DW's POV. I have no interest in a romantic relationship with him and I definitely don't want to cause misery for his wife or family, but I do need my friends and am aware I'm leaning on them emotionally more than I would have when DH was here to fulfil that role.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm saying TBH, I just have an uneasy feeling about this. For example, how would you be feeling about him supporting me if you were his wife?

You will be the damsel in distress and he your knight in shining armour.

Before long it will be 'It's only a marriage in name' blah blah blah.
He will fall for you big time.

Don't do it.

Your gut instinct is telling you something.

No, I don't see it panning out like that. He knows I'd laugh in his face if he tried to tell me that about his marriage, for a start.

I would just make sure I was including his wife in any interactions
The way I see it any sex can be friends with any sex but for respect and clarity keep it in the open and have both of them for the extra help you need just now
As soon as anything changes on either of you side .. cut it off

Completely agree with @66babe - include his wife in every conversation, make a WhatsApp group etc. Invite them both out.

I did this with a friend of mine I'd secretly fancied for years and ended up being better friends with his wife than him!

And I am so sorry for your loss OP 🌸

Yes, cultivating a friendship with the wife seems the answer, but presumably there's a reason you haven't, in 20 years? Why hasn't that happened?

I don't know his wife at all. Not deliberately, but we initially worked together so our socialising was after work and we went home in opposite directions from a big city, so never saw each others partners.

Now our main (only tbh) contacts are through a shared interest in sport, we travel all over to watch, but his wife has no interest at all. I'd be happy to involve her but she wouldn't want to come. We live about 60 miles apart so travel independently to where the events are.

TBH DH supported this friendship because he wasn't interested in the sport either and it meant he didn't feel obliged to come with me. Friend says DW feels the same

Reminds me of a nice friendship I had with someone I worked with many years ago, he had a girlfriend and I had a BF. I met his GF on a few occasions, she seemed nice too. Then I got dumped and was gutted for a long time, couldn't eat properly, lost weight. I sensed his GF's attitude towards me changed and now was seeing me as a threat, which could not have been further from the truth, and I was more upset being seen in that way, just because I was involuntary single, it seems unfair, you might get that as your circumstances have changed through no fault of yours.
Shame really, I stepped back and dropped contact with him after a works evening pub quizz outing where I was sat on one side and he the other, when I came back from the loo, she had switched places so that I would be sat the other side of her when I came back. That made me feel really awkward.
I'm often more comfortable in male friendships I've learnt, and I know I didn't fancy him one iota ( here's the difference, as we never flirted or talked of feelings, as there weren't any that way).
I do regret that I stepped away so easily, especially as I had not done anything wrong, but I suppose I'll never know if she was reacting to some mentionitis from him of me, or if she was just insecure like that.
I think you should be aiming to keep the friendship on the same level as it's always been. Look at it honestly, if you find that you are upping the frequency of meeting up once a month, and he's doing other things to help out than he did before, that could be storing up trouble. Lean more on your other friends and keep this one going in the same way as previously, if you can't do that, it shows that you should actually step away from it.