I think it’s over but I’m so confused!

[V1988]

I’ve posted previously about my experience with my partner. We have been together since 2013, got engaged in 2015 and have lived together since 2018. He has really struggled with his mental health and addictions (I explained this fully in my last post) and this culminated in my telling him to go back to his parents because his gambling, drinking and (the then new) drug taking tipped me over the edge. He then attempted suicide in May and I’ve tried my best to try and be here and keep the relationship going. I’ve been seeing a counsellor who says I’m traumatised by the events that have occurred and I’m becoming happier living by myself. I don’t miss having him here. We haven’t had a physical relationship since probably 2018 and I am starting to think that I am hanging onto this relationship which is not really a relationship. I don’t imagine having sec with him anymore and this is currently being exacerbated by the fact I am beginning to imagine a life both without him and with other men (something I’ve never done in all of our time together). I’m scared that if I end it, it could be a mistake and I’m scared that if I don’t we’ll both be stuck in this cycle of quite frankly staleness. Is it too far gone to change anything and get back to the early days (5-6 years ago) of our relationship?

Please don't go back. You are not his saviour he can only save himself. Yes it is scary when thing end. But sometimes things fall apart so that better things can come together. There is someone better out there for you. Don't let him drag you down

OP, considering what you are telling me here this doesn’t sound like a relationship worth staying in. You would likely be much better off alone. He will be fine, and if not, as harsh as it sounds, it is not your responsibility. It sounds like you’ve given him lots of time, chances and good will. Put yourself first now. You deserve that.

Yes! It's too far gone, by far. Now, cut yourself free. Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, as Bob Marley said. Move on.

You cannot rescue and or save him, being a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship never works.

You remain traumatised by this relationship and his inherent addictive personality and he will merely drag you down further with him. His primary relationship is with substances, it’s not with you and has never been with you. Keep up the therapy, your boundaries are still skewed here and need further work. You are not in an emotionally healthy place yourself and he is the last thing you need.

I expected you to say you were frightened to end it in case he took his life. You haven't so what are you holding on too and why?

This is no relationship of the type it is supposed to be. Time to end things. Calmly, respectfully, kindly, finally.

Start the next week free of someone who brings nothing positive to your life.

Do yourself a massive favour and draw a line under it OP. He will never change and just as life gets going again he’ll have another relapse. This is no way to live. Run like the wind and don’t look back. You’d be better off alone than with an addict.

I am worried about how he might take it. He is in a better space now mentally but as he is not having counselling (he had been sectioned after it occurred and received some therapy whilst there) I am very preoccupied by the fact that whilst he tells me he is not drinking etc anymore, he is also not dealing with the underlying issues that made him do those things. So surely he cannot make a lasting change if he doesn’t do that? It’s really hard to try and make a decision because I can’t work out how I feel or whether either decision is right. Life is so hard!

But you being in a relationship isn't going to help him address those underlying issues.

He needs to get it sorted and then think about a relationship (which almost certainly won't be with someone who's already been traumatised by being with him).

You didn't cause it, and you can't cure it. Take it on and it just ruins your life too.

Why were you engaged for so long before living together and without getting married?

I honestly could not tell you. We were both living with parents when we got engaged and then we saved to get a house together. I should have seen back then that I was adding more savings than him and seen that he had issues with money but I didn’t.

Is it your own feelings that make you want to stay, or worry about his feelings? You haven't mentioned a single good thing about being with him...

Great news you're seeing a counsellor OP. The rest not so much.

If a friend said to you:

I'm in a relationship with an emotionally unstable addict who is crap with money, gambles, drinks and takes drugs - do you think I should stay with him even though our relationship is now sexless and I can't imagine sleeping with him - what would you say in response?

If you were my friend I'd tell you the hills were over there >>>> and to put on a good pair of trainers. I'd also be concerned about why you are having such difficulty in making healthy decisions for yourself. Going back to an addict is hell on wheels but do you gain self esteem from being needed? Either or, read up on co dependency and be kind to yourself for a change and focus on you and your own well being.

If he tells you he's going to kill himself dial 999.

I have just spoken to him. I told him I didn’t think this relationship was the right thing for either of us. He agreed. We have just become friends. There is no bad feeling between us if anything it is the opposite- he is a genuinely lovely man who I hope will sort out his demons and find himself someone who is the right fit. I am feeling deeply sad but I know that this is the right thing. We both deserve to have a romantic relationship with someone who is the right fit for us. We both deserve a fresh start. It is just really difficult right now. I thank you all for your support. It has helped me to feel less alone x

That’s very brave of you @V1988. I’m sorry you are feeling so sad but I think you know you’ve done the right thing for both of you.

You need to move on into a new life which is focussed around yourself and your needs and not his.

So since my last post, he has sent me flowers, then nasty messages then a nice message. I’ve not replied. I’ve cleared all photos and stuff out of sight and I do feel better. The prospect of being single again in my early 30s is scary but the idea of staying in a clearly dead relationship is also not great. It just shouldn’t be that hard should it? The words you guys have said have made so much difference.