advice needed

[Sweetie1980]

After a year of being too scared to do anything about my situation, I have finally found the strength as I am getting more depressed by the day. I am sahm to two primary school aged kids, I am working part time in a very flexible role that fits in with the children, however I could do with more hours. My dh is verbally abusive and controlling. He is threatening that he wants 50/50 shared custody now he is working at home ( since covid ) I do everything re kids, he doesn't get up in the morning and has done one school drop off this year despite being at home ( I was too ill to get out of bed ). His job is pressured and he has always said he doesn't have time to help but now he is saying he will take less work, this has never happened in ten years! I can see how 50/50 works for some parents but I really don't think it's the best option for us. My son has already said he wouldn't want this as he can be verbally abusive towards him sometimes. What can I do? I feel sick with worry...my life revolves around my children, he doesn't what he wants..

Thank you , I really appreciate the advice . I am glad it worked out for you . Now I have submitted the petition he has trying to be like Disney dad but the shouting hasn’t stopped when it all gets too much for him . I am so anxious about this I can’t eat or sleep but I have to be stronger .

I just hope I don’t make things worse for the kids if he does get 50/50 ..

It's so unbearable. He has angry outbursts at me in front of the kids about the finances, I really feel this 50/50 with the kids is all about money...

It is about money.

I know its really hard when he's abusing you even more at this stage. He knows you're out from under his thumb now and he'll try every trick in his repertoire to try to get you back under.

At sone point he will probably realise the angry behaviour isn't working, and flip to nice mode. This is when you need to hold your nerve even more. He will tell you he's changed, he's realised what a bastard he is, he can't lose you, you're his life, blah blah fucking blah. Don't believe a word.

How old are your dc? If they're over 11 (I think?) their wishes about contact would be taken into account when granting residence.

Have you found a solicitor?

PS you might want to ask MNHQ to edit your thread title - it's so generic that I think a lot of people are scrolling by, so you're not getting many responses.

Thank you. I appreciate your help. My son will be 10 soon. I am just so scared that he will get what he wants and due to his abuse, I will lose kids half the time! He swears at me all the time in front of the kids, they are almost use to it which is very sad. I asked him to stay somewhere to give us space and he refuses..

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I don’t know much, but I really doubt that he will be given 50 50.
Try abs stay strong. You will come through this. Sending you all the good things

Thank you..

If you are ever scared of him, phone the police.

Yes I wish I had in the past now..

How are you doing @Sweetie1980?
Have you got anyone to support you in real life?

Haven't rtft. OP, it doesn't matter if he wants 50/50 custody of your DC. It's just a way to gain control over you and put fear into you.

You have a duty of care to protect your DC from witnessing and experience the abuse. Never on God's green earth would children's services allow him to see them, or see them unsupervised, if they knew they were experiencing this level of emotional harm AND being subject to the abuse. And not be harsh but they would not look kindly on you not taking steps to remove them from this dysfunction. It WILL affect your DC now and in the long term. Get out now before he causes you and them any more damage.

You need to try to get your ducks a row. Contact all domestic abuse agencies, get the DC's school on board, look at finances and housing (Refuge may be your only option). Look at every avenue. There's a Web guide at the top of this sub forum. Use it. Delete and or be as discreet as possible with your undertakings to try break free. Cover your tracks. Do not engage with this brute.

I'm so sorry OP. Thinking of you

Women's Aid could be really useful to you here OP, they will know the answers to the vast majority of your questions and will be able to help you step by step. The main 24hr number can be really difficult to get through to, especially if you're limited as to when you can speak to them by him being around. It's worth checking what local services there are near you, it's not usually a 24hr service but it's generally easier to get through during the hours they are open. If you scroll down this link til you get to 'Search by Region or Local Authority' it will give you details for your local DV service www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Thank you. I will give them call. If I have always been the primary carer would I have a good case for not doing 50/50?

Yes @Sweetie1980
He’s trying to scare you. Dig deep. Think of your son. Your children. Their future. You didn’t deserve this, but you can change things.
Keep strong and make some calls.

Call Women’s Aid if you can. You can do this and come through it.

I’ve been in a very similar situation.

Keep a diary of all incidents because it’s really difficult to pinpoint what happened when after the event.
Get a good solicitor.
Call the police if necessary.
At 10, your son’s views will very much be taken into account.
My ex went for full residency (!), the house and half of my (teeny, tiny public sector) pension. I got sole residency and 70% of the assets. With a decent solicitor, I could have got more.
My son walked out of his house when staying there aged 14 and hasn’t seen him for 4 years.
Have a think if anyone else has seen his rages or the effect it has had on you. I got statements from a friend and colleague.

Also, if it’s too upsetting or dangerous to phone Women’s Aid, you can email them.
I also spoke to my children’s HV for advice so maybe you could see a school nurse or similar. Their statement was then used in court.

How are you doing @Sweetie1980

Hi , sorry for the delayed reply . Things have been very stressful . He got the petition and has hopefully signed it now. He is still demanding 50/50 contact .last week he sweared and told the kids he hated me , my little girl told me. I was so upset by this . He seems to think he will definitely get 50/50 a d is so arrogant about it. He told me to prepare for s war and lose

Is this something I should let the solicitor know about ?

Absolutely yes.
The more facts you give the better

Thanks

Hi, he is now hinting at buying me out and staying in the house with kids? Can this happen? I am seeing a solicitor next week but I feel like I can't think clearly anymore