Not sure what to do

[Confusedlottie]

Not sure how I’m going to get all this out in a post but I really need to vent / have some advice on my situation

Me and my fiancé have been together for 8 years .. for most of that I felt very loved and we called each other best friends , all day long he would send me ❤️ Emojis whilst at work etc ..

This past year things have gone seriously down hill .. in august last year I fell pregnant .. it was planned although happened a lot quicker than we both thought .. initially he seemed happy about it but fast forward 2 weeks he was acting really quiet & distant and one evening whilst I was upstairs in the bath he TEXTED me that he didn’t feel it was the right thing to do ( having a baby ) .. that he loves me but doesn’t know if he’s still IN LOVE with me .. I was obviously very shocked and shaken about it all and reacted in anger ( I said a few things about his personality that I can’t take back .. mainly his selfishness) ..

He ended up spending a few weeks in a hotel and I was just so heartbroken I literally cried myself to sleep for weeks , I asked him to try make it work which he has always replied with “ he doesn’t know if his feelings will change “ . And he did try to push towards a termination which I said absolutely not ..
He looked into flats & moving out but financially would be really hard on both of us and regrettably I begged him not to commit to a year lease on a flat and to give us a chance to work things out ..

He stayed but my pregnancy was really miserable,I slept in the spare room the whole time and apart from a couple of times he barely touched me or my bump and payed little to no interest in anything related , after I had the baby we had to stay in hospital for a few days due to infection and he had the option to stay but decided to go home ( due to covid once he left he wasn’t able to come back ) , he then went back to work the day I came home and I felt really disappointed with his choices

Fast forward our baby boy is now 3 months old and just beautiful .. he is still at home and things did seem to get slightly better for a short while but now I’m in a really bad place .. everything he does makes me angry .. I don’t trust him , he lies about where he is going / what he’s doing .. he’s always “ too busy” to do anything with me and the baby and I’m left basically raising him on my own .

He works as a high end car sales man and owns the company himself , one of the perks of the job is he gets to drive these mega sports cars and just yesterday he was stopped on the motorway going 153 mph .. god knows how but he got let go with just a slap on the wrist but this is just one example of his selfish idiotic behaviour . he loves the attention he gets in these cars and woman drool over them 🙄 and being the price tag they have has started rubbing shoulders with the wealthy / Instagramers etc .. having the job he has means I never know where he is as it’s not a standard 9-5 , he gets home at 7pm sometimes and will say he’s got a client viewing a car and instantly my mind takes me places that’s not healthy .. I do have doubts if there was another woman but have zero proof or zero way of finding out this and to be fair during the lockdown he was home most evenings so I’m not sure he would of found time to have someone else .. his phone is attached to his hand 24/7 and even after coming home so late he spends the rest of the evening “ looking for new cars “ on his phone . He maybe sees our son for 40/45 mins a day before he goes to bed and often he will say he’s going in the bath during this time too .. again sitting on his phone in the bath .

we bought a house together 3 years ago the deposit money was mine but the mortgage is in his name solely .. I’m not financially in a position to move out ( on matternity allowance) abd feel like I can’t see any end to this situation

Really don’t know what to do but feel like I’m going to loose my mind sitting here with my thoughts 😢

To add I genuinely love this man so much , he 100% is selfish in his ways but he does have a good heart and has always treated me well untill all this happened .. I still find him attractive but he has hinted that he doesn’t find me as attractive as he used to

Sorry I know that’s probably a huge jumble but there’s so much to say in one message 🙈

Do I give up on him ? I can’t help but feel we won’t get past this

We are engaged and I have his child , pretty sure he can’t kick me out tomorrow

Legally he can. You need to get legal advice and start planning your future apart from him. Do you want your little boy to grow up thinking it's normal for his dad to not want to see him or spend time with him? Who puts himself before his family?

Hope for the best and plan for the worst.
Build up your client base again.
Take a few minutes to look up child maintenance online.
It wouldn't hurt to look at flat rental prices and availability.

Maybe, if he feels you pulling away and taking the pressure off, he might have some space to reassess what he would be losing.
Maybe, if, might.

Make a firm plan to be single and co-parenting.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Very best of luck for a good outcome for you @Confusedlottie xx

@Confusedlottie

I am 100% not worried about the financials of th house .. no ones really listening ,. I know this man and I know he wouldn’t shaft me for money .. it’s not his nature

Yeah we all knew them before they turned into arseholes! Not once has a woman married or moved in with a man knowing full well he was going to cheat or shaft her financially when they split. But somehow, they always do!!

Please listen - you are in a vulnerable position. If you’re going to stay with him you need to acknowledge this even more than ever!

However, he sounds like he’s not really into it, so I’d be moving out, setting up a home with the deposit that he’s generously going to give you back and accepting my lot as a single mum. Just hoping his accounts show a profit because self-employed men seem to have a knack of wriggling out of paying child maintenance too.

Good luck, you’re going to need it either way

I knew my fiance wouldn't kick me and our 2 year old out of his house too.

But then he did and I'm still paying back the debt I had to take on in order to keep a roof over mine and my daughter's heads.

Engagement means nothing. You are no longer engaged the moment he tells you he no longer wants to marry you. It doesn't matter if you're still wearing the ring.

I'm really sorry because I know how heartbreaking and scary this is, but this is no way to live is it?

He's already spoilt your pregnancy, don't let him mar the early years of your baby's life. Ultimately you are only prolonging the inevitable. He will leave you eventually.

OP,

You are sadly very naive.

Your relationship is clearly over.

He doesn't want to be with you and he didn't want a baby.

These are facts.

Also other facts are that you are in a very vulnerable position and your claims that he is so decent and moral financially are pipe dreams because you don't really know this man.

You thought you knew him after 8 years until you were pregnant in the bath and he text you otherwise.

You need to get legal advice.

He won't sell you the house that you paid the deposit on and pay half the morgage on?

You need to stop being naive, wake up to the reality that your relationship is really over.

Reach out for support legally and from those who care about you.

Ultimately your relationship is over. If you believe he wouldn't shaft you, and he's as wealthy as you're making out, have the conversation.

To add I genuinely love this man so much , he 100% is selfish in his ways but he does have a good heart and has always treated me well untill all this happened .. I still find him attractive but he has hinted that he doesn’t find me as attractive as he used to

Please. Get some pride and self respect. How does he "" have a good heart" ?! He does NOT!

I am 100% not worried about the financials of th house .. no ones really listening ,. I know this man and I know he wouldn’t shaft me for money .. it’s not his nature

Hmmm. Don't be so sure about that.

Look at your beautiful baby OP. Your revolting not any more fiancé wanted you to have him terminated. Now do you still love the selfish wanker?! Honestly?!

Give up on him as soon as you can. Today, maybe.

You put your money into a deposit on a house you don't own? Who's name is on the deeds, if his is on the mortgage? You might have to write off that investment, as you're not even married to give you some financial security.

He can kick you out of his house whenever he likes. Don't wait around for him to do that. Leave.

So, you thought you were ok with this man. Everything suggested it. Then you decided to have a baby without marriage, and as soon as you were pregnant, he completely lost interest. Doesn't go with his image, does it, pregnant girlfriend or new mum? No. So, he's out of this relationship and just waiting for you to do the dirty work for him and say it's over.

There's nothing nice or worth loving about this man. He's blagged you out of your savings. He's encouraged you to get pregnant then dropped you. Stop wasting your precious life following him like a homeless puppy, longing for some affection. You won't get it.

Can you go to your parents? I'm sorry, I haven't read the thread properly. Get some legal advice about the deposit - I think you'll find it was your gift to him and there's nothing you can do to get it back, but try anyway.

And start sorting yourself out, now. You have a baby depending on you.

I'm so sorry. If what you say is true, you have been right royally shafted and you're too blind to see it.

over 150 miles ? really. A slap on the wrist is doubtful.

are you in the uk?

"For speeds in excess of 100 mph (or more than 30 miles above the relevant limit) the punishment starts at disqualification as opposed to penalty points"

Sounds like your relationship is over and you need to plan to be a single parent.

I am so sorry @Confusedlottie I know that this must really hurt. Sadly the man you love, the man who proposed, and planned a baby with you is gone and he isn’t coming back. I know that that’s all you want is for him to come back, and I know you’ve probably hoped that once he got over the shock of the pregnancy, once the baby was here, once he bonded with the baby he would return to you. I think your starting to realise now that some of these milestones have passed and he hasn’t returned to the man he used to be, hasn’t fallen back in love with you by now that it simply just isn’t going to happen. It might take a bit longer for it to sink in properly because I think your still holding onto the idyllic vision you had of the family you thought you would have, and I do know and understand how hard that is to let go of, but let go of it you must for your own sake.

Your living in limbo land hoping that he’ll snap out of whatever it is and be him again, all the while he is detached from you and from any kind of family life and is moving his life forward. The longer your sit and wait and frankly wasting your time the harder you are making this for yourself. He’s been honest, he said his feelings won’t change and they haven’t. He’s literally waiting for you to catch up and move on, and if you don’t do it yourself he’s eventually going to do it for you, either by moving out/asking you to move out/by meeting someone else….if he hasn’t done already.

I know all this comes across as harsh and unfeeling but it’s honestly not meant that way at all. I’m so sorry for what you are going through, but you really need to wake up and protect yourself and your child financially and emotionally.

He's lying about the 'slap on the wrist' anything over 100mph is an automatic disqualification.

You should be incandescent with rage that this man wanted to have a baby with you then once you were pregnant, his feelings changed and he wanted you to have an abortion.

You should be furious he didn't support you in hospital and chose to leave early, then went back to work as you brought your baby home.

You should be angry that he spends so little time with your son, that he tells you he doesn't fancy you and that his feelings for you have changed.

You should be raging that he's shafted you out of your house by not marrying you and not putting you on the mortgage.

He is a grade A bastard intent on ruining your happiness.

My best friend was with a wonderful man (he really was lovely) - they had two kids and then their relationship soured. She was certain he’d not leave her high and dry. The break up was amicable, they stayed on good terms and co-parented well (still do).

Fast forward to now, he’s met another woman and he’s kicked her and his two kids out of the house. People change. Nobody who marries a man or has a kid with a man ever dreams they’ll end up divorced/hate each other’s guts/be left with nothing. Yet it happens all the time!