Desperate for any help/advice!

[Jhm93]

Hi,

Me and my husband have been married for 3 years, together for 7. We have 2 children together, things haven’t always been amazing but we’ve always had each other and our amazing children.

After my youngest child I found it very painful to have sex do we have not tried for almost a year now. I do understand how hard that is on him, I have also been telling him for the past year how unhappy I am in our relationship. I feel he makes no effort at all, he can be controlling at times but has no idea he is, he also treats my daughter (from a previous relationship) different to our own children. Nothing has changed other the year and things are still the same after taking to him about these issues.

A few weeks back I was looking through his photos on his phone from a recent family day out when I found around 170 photos of me. These photos are mostly naked and all without my knowledge or consent, photos of me taking a bath, doing house work in a skirt/ dress bent over, some are of me sleeping when my nighty has risen up, and some of me when I’m getting changed etc.

I felt physically sick and humiliated, I am extremely insecure about my body and he knows this, I felt he’d completely destroyed any trust I had for him. I confronted him and he couldn’t say sorry enough. He told me it’s because he’s so attracted to me and loves me so much.

I don’t know how but I decided to try to move on and work though things. He just likes to sweep out problems under the rug and not talk about them when I try. Fast forward a few weeks and I was really trying to move on from it, that was until I was asleep and suddenly woke up to my trousers being pulled down. I kept my eyes shut as I wanted fo know what his intentions actually were. He was looking at my vagina and wanking himself off over me. Again I felt physically sick, I turned over and he tried to roll me back on to my back. Again I rolled over and he eventually finished himself off and left me alone.

I confronted him about it, he told me my 2 year old son who was sleeping in between us pulled my trousers down by mistake when he was wriggling and he was simply pulling them back up for me. I screamed at him and couldn’t believe he lied which upset me even more l!

Two days of us not talking he then finally admitted the truth and again apologised. I feel so confused by everything’s that’s happened, I have spoken to my mum who thinks we should try marriage counselling, which I feel like I should do for my children’s sake. But how can I ever look at him the same way ever again or feel the same way.

He is currently on the sofa giving me space but I have no idea where to go from here, any advice would be really appreciated x

OP please don't stay with this man. You quite rightly feel shocked and violated, and you should listen to those feelings in the same way that I'm sure you would encourage your children or friends to listen to their feelings about someone. He has violated your boundaries, broken your trust, ignored both your feelings, eexplicit request and standards of normal behaviour with what he's done. He's also, in a very real sense although it may be difficult to see it this way, committed a sexual offence and if he can't understand that then it's even more worrying.

People end marriages for waaay less than this, every single day, and they do just fine. You can too. Maybe have a chat with Women's Aid for another perspective and practical advice.

Your mum's advice is really, really misguided and old fashioned I'm afraid.

Good luck op

Wow. You sound creepy Proudaspiedad. Your post makes me feel sick. I suggest that you get back to work on your therapy. You have literally belittled everything that the OP has shared and blamed her for the actions of a sexual deviant. She was asleep ffs. There's no consent from her to agree that he can take pictures and manipulate her body for his own sexual gratification. Jesus.

@ProudAspieDad your post is disgusting.

Op. You need to leave love. And you shouldn’t have counselling with him he’s abusive.

OP this is a shocking read. I am so sorry you are going through this. Please understand this is not normal behaviour from someone who purports to love you. He has some critical problems going on in himself to do these things to you. Your head must be spinning at a 100 miles per hour. Everything is out in the open now and must be dealt with. Do not have joint therapy with him, your mum is wrong. You say you have been unhappy for some time as well as from lack of sex drive. I suggest that you go to get some therapy to untangle your fears, hurt, shock and utter disgust with the abuse you have suffered and consider leaving fairly quickly. Good luck OP, this is such a difficult situation for you.

Don’t listen to the comment from @ProudAspieDad who seems to think it’s ok to sexually abuse your partner when you’re not having sex regularly. His comment is misogynistic and disgusting.

Op, you’re not in the wrong at all here, please look into leaving this disgusting excuse for a man as soon as possible. The police would also be interested in his actions. Are you safe in the same house? If you have to stay there then get a lock for your door but if you can go anywhere else then do that. Find some therapy for yourself not joint therapy and call women’s aid. Be strong

@ProudAspieDad in addition, you say you have Aspergers but call others “neurotypicals”. You might want to rethink your language. “People who are neurotypical” would be more appropriate. Person first, condition second.

You should report this to the non emergency police line. Begin getting a paper trail for when you split. It will help you with residency in the future and possibly DV counselling/ legal aid. This is sexual assault.
Leave this vile pervert and make sure he does not have unsupervised contact with the children.
By proudaspiedads logic, when your husband is single and hasn't had sex for awhile, he is a danger to anyone he has access to.

This man is a deviant and sexual predator.

You need to leave him to protect yourself and your children.

The fact you let him treat your daughter badly is reason enough

Urgh @ProudAspieDad's post made me feel sick. Make entitlement at its 'finest'

OP your partner is disgusting. He has no respect for you and the fact that he's doing these things without your consent makes me worry it's only a matter of time before he rapes you, or tries to. Look after yourself.

*male

There is no grey area here. There are no circumstances that would make what he has done acceptable.

He has taken photos - naked photos - without your permission or knowledge (and what he's then doing with them or will try to do in the future has to be borne in mind).

He is undressing you in your sleep and masterbating over you.

He's doing that next to a child.

He won't discuss your unhappiness or how to make your relationship better (even though this would have benefitted both of you).

There is nothing he can say that will make this go away. The most heartfelt apology in the world will not make what he's done any less sick and twisted.

Please report him to the Police. If as he claims he can't help acting on his urges then he is a risk to wider society as well as to you.

His claim it's because he loves you so much!!! What??? Those are not the actions of love. They are the actions of someone who is perverted, someone who thinks they are entitled to take what they want, someone who puts their sexual 'needs' in front of their partner's and child's wellbeing.

He has no respect for you at all.

If this was a good marriage and a good man, I would be saying that you need to talk about the lack of sex, as that is an important part of a marriage. But this has gone way beyond that. Of course you won't want to have sex with him now - he has acted dispicably / illegally and shown you cannot trust him, ever.

The appropriate way to deal with something like a difference in sex drive is to talk about, get help if you both agree to it, and if not consider separating if it's a deal breaker for one or both of you.

Not to sexually abuse your partner in front of your child, and to take photos they don't know about. Please please start taking steps to get out of this relationship. For yours and your DC's sake. Your mother's advice - if she knew the full information - is shocking.

he also treats my daughter (from a previous relationship) different to our own children

&

As much as I hate him at the moment I could never deny that he is a fantastic dad 90% of the time

Your poor daughter, that is unbelievably cruel, how can you watch this happen, Do you feel you have no choice but to watch him treat her like this?

Does she see her dad, does he know?

Save her future, by stopping this shit.

And yes, please be aware that plenty of men share photos of their partners on Reddit amongst other sites, for the 'likes' & 'comments' on what other men are doing over the photos.

Jhm93

re your comments in quotemarks:-

"I am so scared as to what will happen if/when we separate. I couldn't imagine missing time with my children, equally I know they adore him and would never stop him seeing them".

What do you think will happen?. I would advise you here to feel the fear and do it anyway. I doubt very much such a man would be at all bothered with his children going forward post separation and would during divorce proceedings demand them half the week as a means of further "punishing" you. Do you really think your kids adore him, I think not. They perhaps sense that something is very wrong here at home and they cannot express it.

"Do you think there is any coming back from this?"
No

"It is all so strange/creepy to me. I feel if he'd gone out and cheated on me I'd be able to handle it better but this...I'm so confused".

Giving you spaghetti head is par for the course for people on the receiving end of such levels of abuse.

"I've never heard of anyone going through something like this, I don't know what to think. I just want him away from me but I'm so worried about the effect it will have on the children".

Get him away from you and your children. I have read not too dissimilar on MN in the past re images taken without consent. This man has been spying on you doing normal day to day activities unawares. It will affect the children far more if you remain with such a man. They will over time pick up on the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken. Do not put this man above and or before you and your children.

"As much as I hate him at the moment I could never deny that he is a fantastic dad 90% of the time".

Women in poor relationships often write this when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. How did you arrive at such a figure at all; a figure that you know deep down is wrong. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up; given what your mother has "advised" you do I think you learnt a lot of damaging lessons.

I doubt very much your eldest child calls him a fantastic dad because she knows he treats her differently to his biological children. That fact alone is enough to leave him; let alone the rest of what you've described.

"I wouldn't even know where to go from here, I've no money, nowhere to go, no friends and a family that want me to work things out x"

Knowledge is power and I would suggest you start her by contacting the Police re these images of you taken without your consent. This is a criminal offence and an offence for which he should be charged. You can also commence divorce proceedings; you are married to this man and thus have rights in law. You will receive a financial settlement and you absolutely need a life free from being abused.
DO NOT keep on listening to your mother; she has her own self interest at heart, she is certainly not acting in your best interests here.