Hello, is this the Vent About Your Bloody Mother room?

[UnquietDad]

If so, I need oxygen.

I will be back in about two hours. Someone get the drinks in.

She left a message last night about the children's Christmas presents, which sounded as if it was left by a human being. So maybe I'll give her a call at the weekend.

UnquietDad, I'm sorry you have such a difficult time with her.

My DH became estranged from both his parents a few years ago and his mother refused to see him on her deathbed . Which has been pretty hard to come to terms with.

Dinosaur, really feel for your DH but the fact that his mother was still pulling the strings and pushing the buttons on her deathbed is fairly telling about why he became estranged from her in the first place. Hard to come to terms with but isn't that what she wanted, her parting shot, to make him feel guilty? If he hasn't read "Toxic Parents" it may help him.

Pages, I have often wondered whether to get that book for him.

She was a very highly manipulative woman who used her bad health to keep all her family dancing to her tune.

Uqd, when you said

"Thing is, she is not a bad mother. As she keeps pointing out"

What is your definition of not a bad mother?

Dinosaur, my mother is very similar - only thing is i didn't actually realise until 18 months ago. That book really helped me change my life. My mother has been playing the victim role all her life but now that she is in her sixties and has had a few health issues she is revelling in it. She has managed to get all but one members of my family to stop talking to me.

There is a chapter in tne book for people whose parents have passed away but are controlling "from the grave". It may help your DH move on.

ally - what I mean is she has brought up three children and done what she thought was best, without being cruel or neglectful. I'd like to think I can have an adult difference of opinion with her without it coming to such exchanges as we have had recently. It seems I can't.

UQD you poor sod. I feel for you. What a situation.

I would be sorely tempted to (the next time a situation arises) to speak to her as firmly and as no-nonsense as you do with your dc when they are about to stick their fingers in a gas flame/run across the road/wrap a rope around their neck: just make it absolutely as clear as you possibly can that you will not and cannot discuss the subject of immigration/whatever else it is that bugs you with her again. You cannot agree and you will never agree and the arguments about it are upsetting you.

The next time she pipes up on the subject (is she mad, does she not know that you cannot tolerate it?) end the phone call, or get your coats and up and leave.

I'd be sorely tempted, but of course carrying it through is difficult. But really, why should you have to carry on tolerating it? You wouldn't allow a friend or peer or sibling to carry on like this! She thinks that just because she's your mother she holds the trump card.

Sympathies.

It's pretty much what we've done daphne - at least I tried to do so on the phone.

Problem is, I have lost a lot of the moral high ground because of the one occasion on which I lost my temper with her! She can now use this - she says "I will ask you to leave" (see above).

She wants us to agree not to have the conversation again (whether that's workable remains to be seen) but she wants to be the one laying down the law and delivering the ultimatum, not us. Whatever happens she is someone who cannot and will not be spoken to firmly as if she's a child - she resents it deeply.

UQD, do you speak to her like you would a child?

I go to therapy...(psychobabble warning!)...if you talk to someone like a child, they will act like one or will act as a parent and try to outdo you in your 'parental' role. So the way you ask her to shut up could be the reason this is not working well for you.

However I do acknowledge than anyone of my friends/dh would understand 'please do not talk about your racists beliefs in front of me again'. And not do it again.