Narc ex, kids and me

[Williesfillies]

Name changed.

Divorcing Narc, DV, controlling all round awful person exh.
I have put this off because of the way he is and the fear it gives me, but I can’t cope with him any longer.

Very hands off dad to the children and very sporadic contact since we left. Crap dad during the marriage with a couple of incidents of slapping faces of the children when they annoyed him. Has form for not speaking to me or them for lengthy periods of time.

Now he’s suddenly dad of the year, wants 50% custody (no way, will fight that to my death) and is turning me into a nervous wreck.

I agreed to mediation, this was basically two hours of him lying and calling me a liar and making little digs at me. The mediator (I think) made no attempt to stop him despite me telling her how he would be to me.
A vague plan was agreed, which within a week he’s trying to undo.

They don’t stay overnight currently, so he immediately started about taking them away overnight, kids say no, so I relay that and offer an alternative.
He then ignores that and asks for something else that is equally going to be a no, but even more than he was asking for before.
So it’s a no.

Then he texts our 12 year old yesterday to try to plan things without running them past me, and there are two younger children. He also made out that I had stopped them doing something when they actually didn’t want to do it.
So now I’ve had to email saying “don’t use x to arrange stuff, please contact me” because no way should he be arranging things on a day that isn’t his via a kid!

This has now gone on for 3 days. I keep repeating “what time do you want to pick up on X day” and he refuses to answer and just continues to think of something else to ask for. It just goes on and on.

This goes on EOW and I’m a nervous wreck.
I know he’s going to take me to court, so I’m having to micromanage every reply to think how it will look to a judge, he won’t believe the kids don’t want to see him in the way he wants to see them, so I’m accused of indoctrination of them or just outright lying.

I’m worried because the kids love him but walk on eggshells with him so will say whatever they need to to appease him, which could he “oh yes, we will live with you” because they don’t want him to be angry at them (they witnessed DV towards me).

I dread the phone or my email going as I’m also in the middle of a really nasty divorce with him.

He is the kind of man who’s one aim is now to destroy me, via money, the kids or both if possible.

I have my own concerns over his parenting, as he is a bully and he does bully the kids and he doesn’t give a shit about their welfare, they are just a means to get at me.

So how do I deal with him?

Is he refusing to adhear to anything agreed in mediation?

In mediation you should have set ground rules ie no using children as go between contact is on xyz days with x driving dropping at y place return home at z time so it was all clear with no wiggle room

We didn’t get to a concrete agreement as the mediator could not actually pin him down to a schedule.
Obviously what I want is miles away from what he wants. He is not exactly Child focused, he is him focused and it doesn’t matter whether kids are happy or not they should be made to do what he wants.
I’m more “it goes at the kids pace” which leads me open to accusations.
Mediator said it needs to be their pace.

But first thing he’s done is try to get an overnight and now arrange with my DD to have them on a night that’s not his behind my back!

You need to get counselling for the kids they do not need to feel they have to protect themselves by putting themselves at risk agreeing with him constantly

Grey rock him if he refuses to make arrangements ask him twice then go out on the day

Ignore any requests other than ones about the children thats what the divorce is for

Remember you can say no your not in a relationship with him if/when he explodes call the police if he goes nuts the more visible his abuse is the better

Get a ring doorbell

Keep every email/text factual no emotion at all

He doesn’t turn up here except to collect.

One of the kids is having counselling. They are torn because they know he is their dad but that he’s also not a nice person either. They want to see him, but in the way they want (not overnight) but he just will not have this
The mediator said it had to go at a slow pace and he was “oh ok I’ll do that for a month” and she pointed out that’s only twice and not exactly at a slow pace.

He’s very good, he’s an excellent liar and very careful on text. He’s not likely to have a rant, more just keep on and on and on, which is his way of bullying me and not answering a question such as “what time are you collecting” preferring to ignore that and just move to another different request.

To me it looks wrong, but I’m not sure a judge will read millions of texts to be able to see it

So stick to what time are you collecting Wednesday? 10am? If he doesn't respond just ignore any requests of him and on Wednesday text him are you coming or no?

What do I do about him arranging things via DD though? Whatever I put in place he looks for a weakness to exploit.

I have said he is not to do it before, but he continues doing it

Explain you need things done through you and it is making dd uncomfortable.

I does sound like he might need another kick up the arse from the courts.

Make notes of how this is impacting your kids, it sounds shit but you do seem to be trying

Tell him clearly that you won't accept messages passed via children and if he attempts to do so they will be ignored or as I told my ex I was good enough to marry and have kids with im good enough for you to acknowledge my fucking existence and text me (I may have shouted you do NOT pass on messages via my son ever again)

There’s no court order yet, but he will want to get one.

Have you considered or already contacted Women’s Aid? They will provide you and your children with support etc., especially as you mention domestic abuse.
Mediation is not recommended when there has been domestic abuse, as it allows the perpetrator to continue the abuse.
You need to build up evidence, if you are going to be going to court to sort out contact. Evidence can include, the Police, school, your child’s counsellor etc. You need to evidence that you’re safeguarding your children. Also, the court will probably appoint a CAFCASS officer to speak to the children to ascertain their views, as contact with their dad should be in the children’s best interests.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.

Give set times in an email , say drop off is this time collection is this time and only have phones unblocked for the time he has kids , only way to deal with a narc is cut them dead

A court order can protect you here in one sense because you can set up an escalated contact schedule with caveats in place and days set in like every other Christmas starting with x parent in 2021 every other birthday mothers day/fathers day get the right to go overseas holiday for x days as long as the flight number and accommodation details are turned over passport to remain with mum unless needed by dad etc etc then he can ask to change and you can say no im sticking to the court order ive planned my schedule around the order changing doesnt work for me

I think the issue is that although we have stayed separate living wise we have tried on and off to make it work. He has stayed here, for weekends etc, followed by periods of disappearing because I’d “upset” him, whilst at the same time withdrawing all financial assistance from me and the kids.

On my part it was to avoid this situation. All the time I wasn’t “going after his money” he was happy to just leave us alone.
I kept trying to protect them from this. Now we are all going to get dragged to court which I avoided by my choices.

I therefore think no one will take me seriously. I have a Police report from an arrest and pictures of other injuries, plus the kids recall a lot of what happened and I have hardly ever left him alone with the kids since, only if it was totally unavoidable.

Since I left he’s not been violent, but he has continued to be a bully and control me financially. I do feel that although I felt I had taken control with the decisions I took with hindsight I just pushed him to bully me in a different way, but I know it’s very hard to prove, even the assault that only injured me got squared up by the CPS when he absolutely should have been charged.

I was in a very similar situation to you OP. I went through two years of hell when we first separated (police involvement but no charges, wouldn’t compromise on childcare, kept changing childcare/cancelling on them, I felt sick every call or text I got, made false claims about me, social media abuse, very angry bitter man hell bent on punishing me by any means etc etc).
Keep a diary of it all. I used mine to call out the bullshit his solicitors put in their letters to me. Print off threatening/abusive texts and emails. Get a second cheap pay as you go phone that is solely used for emergencies when he has the kids. Completely block him on your phone/emails etc and do not keep the other phone switched on when he’s not with them. Don’t enter into any communication that is not absolutely necessary no matter how nice he’s pretending to be or how nasty he’s being. I got to the stage where the stress and harassment was affecting my health, my children and my family. I stopped all contact with me and the children. I cut all ties with his family and friends who excused and enabled him. I let him take me to court. I ended up agreeing to what he asked for and he’s never stuck to it since the divorce and childcare agreement was finalised. He sees them 1 day in 14 and he was the one initially demanding 50/50 custody and even saying he’d go for full custody at first. These men are poison.

You didn’t push him to bully you in a different way. You’re still taking responsibility for his abuse. He chose to abuse you. He chooses to bully you. My ex did and continues to get away with giving me as little child maintenance as possible too.

Mediation doesn’t work when you’re dealing with an abusive sociopath. Don’t waste any more of your time and energy on it.

Sounds like my ex has cloned himself... classic narc behaviours, they are hell bent on revenge and destroying you to make themselves look good, plus they need to be right at all times even when they sound ridiculous or contradict themselves. He will thrive on drama and your emotional responses.

How to deal...
1 Grey rock. Never mediate, or try to reason with him, or argue, ever. He will lie and twist things until you show a reaction.
2 Communicate facts/arrangements only and use minimal words. If he doesn't answer a question, do not continue the conversation until he does. Let him rant, then ask again.
3 Record and screenshot everything. Keep a file of dates and events. This will stop you going mad when he starts lying and gaslighting, also helps a lot in court.
4 Make every single sentence about the children's needs and best interests. Ignore his inevitable lies and attempts to turn them against you.

Stay calm, you are stronger than him and want the best for your kids. Inside he is a very damaged, frightened toddler and that is who you are now dealing with.

Even though I agreed to try again (and I’ve given it a good go in the last couple of years) he never changed, he changed how he did it, but he still did it.
I think he can only keep a veneer for just so long.

But I feel so guilty.

If I had continued as we were, him in his house and me in mine with us “trying again” then the kids wouldn’t be facing this.

I’m dreading being without them when he inevitably gets overnights and I’m arguing with my daughter because although she gets stressed by his texts because she has to come to me then go back to him, the suggestion I block him on her phone is met with fear in case he gets angry, but at the same time she’s wanting to see him!!

I see her reacting in the same way as I do to his messages.

I blame myself. Sometimes I think I shouldn’t have left, I certainly know I should have divorced immediately and not got talked into trying again several times “for the kids” because I’ve actually made it worse for them, despite trying to make it better!

By leaving and permanently ending the relationship you are setting a clear example to your children that you will not tolerate his behaviour and they should not tolerate being in an abusive relationship when they’re older. Children copy what you do most of the time - not what you say. He’s making your life really shit right now but you have absolutely done the right thing for you and for your children.