My DH is on the spectrum and seems in a blind panic, any advice? :(

[LemonOrIce]

DH has been having a hard time at work recently. He is in a great job that he loves but with covid things have become really uncertain. There’s been lots of rumours about redundancy, there have been redundancies and it’s all been shit quite frankly! We have enough money and there are no financial concerns but DH has in the last couple of months become obsessed with looking for new work. He has got it into his head that by the end of the summer more redundancies will come in and he will be one of them. This isn’t an irrational view and he loves working so I understand his concern. It’s also a job that you can’t really dip in and out of, continuity is key. So I understand his worry.

But...he’s not yet been made redundant and even if it happens then he has a three month notice period. He wants to stay as long as he can though as he loves this place.

I’ve barely seen him this week. Quite literally. He is constantly on the internet, looking for jobs, preparing for interviews for jobs he hasn’t applied for, drafting applications etc etc. All for no real reason as he will stay at this place as long as he can!

I’m not sure I can take much more. We wanted to go for a walk this weekend, drive into the coltswolds. He’s just said he can’t do that with all this uncertainty. Our life is essentially on hold.

For context while he is on the spectrum he is very high functioning and usually manages things fine. No issues really apart from bouts of extreme worrying. This seems to be one of them :( any advice? I’m at the end of my tether

Anyone?

I agree it sounds like extreme worrying, but also think he sounds quite sensible to have his CV up to date and being ‘interview ready’ and from experience it does take effort to do this.
Can you start a conversation about the amount if preparation he’s doing and how long he intends to spend on it this weekend, so the idea of a ‘cut off’ from it is introduced?

Anxiety often goes with autism and adhd. Not unusual. Looking for new work isn't a bad thing but can you reassure him about how things might go if there are redundancies? Is it definite his job would go? Would you manage if it did? If there's anything practical and comforting to tell him, that might help.

If you feel stressed by the situation, can you try to empathise with how he is feeling? Dealing with uncertainty is incredibly hard for many people on the spectrum, and it can be impossible to function normally until that certainty is resolved.

When he's not hyper focused, suggest sitting down and making a plan for job seeking. Reassure him that you've got enough funds to get by if he was to lose his job, and back this up with actual figures. Setting things out in writing can help to get some perspective, but do it calmly. This isn't "how can you spend more time with me", it's "how can we help you better manage the uncertainty".

Thanks @Birkie248 @Orf1abc @DoingItMyself

We’ve had a few chats about it, money isn’t the issue so that’s not come into it. We’ve talked about other places he could apply to, I’ve left him to work every night this week - literally from the moment he gets in at 7 to 11ish when he finally comes to bed. I just prepare dinner and he will sometimes eat with me or other times take it to his room.

We’ve talked about how shit the uncertainty is and I’ve empathised and said it’s good to be prepared. He’s cancelled our last 6 weekends of plans. Nothing fancy but we had walks planned, a stay in a bed and breakfast, a bbq with friends. He hasn’t wanted to do anything and has just been inside. Even when it was so hot last weekend, I went out and he stayed in all day. I got home and he hasn’t even showered! He did before bed but it’s just so obsessive that I am now really struggling.

If there was an interview date or redundancy had happened then I would understand the urgency a bit more. But he doesn’t seem to get how this impacts me at all. I darent even text him today at work to ask if he wants to still go to the cotswolds. So I’ve no idea what we are doing this weekend, if anything

My closest friend is telling me to blow up with him, have a row and tell him this is totally unreasonable and unfair on us.

I just don’t think that is the right approach with him, he’s sensitive and I am the only woman he’s been with! He’s not really an argumentative type and I think he will retreat further if I do that. But then again, nothing else so far has made him compromise even at all.

No particular advice, but I have been put “as risk”, in the past and then deselected, and actually been made redundant as well, neither were particularly pleasant experiences TBH.

So can’t imagine what he is going through, maybe you could help ‘plan out’ some job search’s or prepared-ness steps, and then plan in some natural breaks for you to go out as a couple?

I'm sorry you're both going through this, it sounds really hard.

My DH is autistic (diagnosed with Asperger's in his 20s now mid 40s). He's amazing and quite self aware and generally manages really well, though I know every single day can be a challenge for him in various ways. He's got quite a senior, well paid role and is a very conscientious person generally, always wanting to do the best he can etc (for others, as well as himself, so not a selfish thing, iyswim).

However, when he gets an idea into his head it's almost impossible for me to use reason/logic/listening & support skills to change his mind / get him to do or not do something. For context, I work in a role that involves me offering practical and emotional support to people in a range of vulnerable situations, some of whom may have mental health issues or may have other visible/less visible challenges. I'm comfortable in having 'difficult' conversations and can do so without getting overly emotional on the whole.

I explain this because, for us, what seems to work is me listening and empathising and giving him an outlet to talk about how he's feeling. Unless he asks me to I don't tend to offer solutions or advice (Google 'drama triangle' which is helpful - you don't want to be the 'rescuer'). Very often after a time, he will either specifically ask for more help or he will do or say something along the lines of what I was thinking anyway - he just needed to get there himself. Sometimes he'll go a different way, so I'm not saying I'm always 'right' btw! But generally he comes out the other side with a resolution one way or another eventually.

Can you make your own plans for some free time without him (in a non passive aggressive way, obviously!) e.g. "I can see you need to work through this and I completely understand you're feeling the pressure, but I could really do with a good walk so I'm going to xxxx - are you sure you don't want to take a break and join me for a bit?" I don't actually talk like that, btw but you get my drift hopefully.

Everyone's different, but this works for us and we've been happily together for 12 years now.

Sending positive vibes as I do understand how tricky it can be as the neurotypical one! DH feels the same as the neurodiverse one so there you go

Sorry I should have also been more specific - don't blow up at him - your friend is coming from a place of love and care for you I'm sure but it's a TERRIBLE suggestion

I share your pain. I could never get through to mine. If he had something on his mind, it was like pressing play on a tape and the same things would be parroted out again and again no matter how much we had talked about their resolution. I gradually realised that he couldn’t join up the feeling (uncertainty) with whatever the solution was. He would get stuck somehow in that feeling, which could be triggered years later.

Please don't blow up at him - adding an emotional storm to the level of anxiety he's displaying will only make things harder for him.

It seems like you have two options: one is to see if he can agree to a 'schedule' to help manage his job searching, e.g., you do x hours on the job search then we'll do x hours on something else; the other is to make some plans for yourself while he works through this.

When my DH becomes obsessed, the only thing I can do is leave him to it. Eventually he gets over it and I have him back :)

Previously he was obsessed with sealing up all the holes in our house.

Now he is obsessed with installing more heaters before winter. FYI, in winter our house is like the Sahara desert so why we need more heating is beyond me but I can't ask him as he is a man possessed!

There’s option 3, which I took eventually, and that’s divorce. You’re not his therapist or his mum.

I was your husband this time last year. After 32 years in my job, which I loved, redundancy was put on the table. I became panicked and obsessed with looking for another job. It was a terrible feeling and I felt so out of control and could only focus on this job hunting despite nothing about whether I would be made redundant or not. Believe me, there is little you can do for your hubby but wait for the storm to pass. Its the uncertainty that is triggering your husband and I feel for him. Could you go to the cotswolds yourself and have some time away for a pamper weekend just to look after yourself? He will be at home ploughing through job descriptions. I know you would prefer having him with you but he is not present in your relationship right now and wont be for a while. He will return at some point but dont bog yourself down with your own uncertainties but take some time out to do things you love for yourself.