My husband and I are in a difficult situation with his family, and I’m looking for some advice to try to help us figure it out! Apologies in advance, as this is going to be long.
My husband grew up in a very tight-knit religious/cultural group in another country. (I’m going to be a bit vague on the details of this to avoid outing myself.) I did not. He has since left the group, and the country, and while he is still in touch with his family, relations are generally somewhat strained and they would much rather he come back to the fold. There have been periods when he has not been in contact with them over these issues, but for the past several years there has been a kind of truce, where he is respectful of their culture when visiting them and they (usually!) don’t push too much for him to mend his ways.
This truce has existed since we have been together, and I was very hesitant to rock the boat. I am not a member of this group and have no ties to it, and this is very difficult for his parents and wider family to accept. However, they were open to meeting me etc. and we allowed them to believe that part of my heritage is linked to this group, which put them a bit more at ease. When we visit them (they never visit us), we both dress and act respectfully - although this generally means more of a change for me (because I am a woman) than it does for him.
We decided to get married some time ago, and this caused A LOT of heartache on both sides, because his family wanted to be reassured of my ‘group membership’ - which is non-existant. In the end, we managed to find a solution that appeased them and that we could (just about) live with, although it was an extremely trying time for everyone involved. We are now married and his family are generally welcoming to me, provided that we dress and act within the bounds of what is acceptable in their community.
However, since our marriage, his parents insist on calling me by a different, more culturally appropriate, name. (Think someone named Lucy being called Ludmilla by Russian family - they are two different names, but superficially similar.) I absolutely hate this. I really like my name and dislike the alternative. Besides which, it is my name - they don’t get to decide what my name is!!
This feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back - we have bent over backwards to accommodate them, bought and worn uncomfortable clothing, moderated how we act in front of them (for instance, not kissing or touching in front of them, not sleeping in the same room when visiting them until our wedding, etc.), and not stirred up trouble when it comes to differences in our cultural attitudes. It feels like they are erasing my entire identity - how I dress, how I wear my hair, and now even my name. I find it so, so upsetting that after years of getting to know them and being on quite good terms with them (albeit their terms), they now want to rub out any trace of ‘me’ so that they can have a daughter-in-law they can show off to friends and family.
At my prompting, my husband has talked to his parents about this. They agree to call me by my real name, and generally do so to my face when we are alone, but in front of anyone else and when introducing me, they always use the alternative. Usually, by the time I meet the person, the damage has been done as they have already talked about me as ‘AlternativeName’.
If it were a case of trying not to upset elderly grandparents or something, I could maybe understand it, but it’s with everyone all the time and mostly seems to be an attempt to play happy families and not have to have awkward conversations about my background.
I don’t know what to do about this. As I say, my husband has talked to them about it, to no avail. I have tried not responding to the alternative, but this is very difficult in practice (i.e. I have to acknowledge someone waving in my face and calling me the alternative name). We have tried to correct them when it happens, but, again, in practice this is easier said than done, especially with people who are now used to calling me by the alternative.
Most recently, I asked my husband to speak to his mum about this again, and it resulted in a big blow-up in which she admitted that she doesn’t think it’s appropriate to use my real name in most contexts, and he said that until she changes her mind on this we will be completely no contact - no phone calls, no visits, etc. Now we are all miserable, as on a personal level we all like each other and want to maintain contact, but the cultural issues are getting in the way.
I really don’t know what to do. Should I suck it up and play the docile daughter-in-law so that my husband and any future kids can have a relationship with this side of the family? I do believe they are good people, it’s just that their world is very different to mine. Should we stick to our guns and wait and hope that they will see sense on this issue and start using my real name? Is there some other option we’re not seeing?
Thanks for getting to the end of this saga!!