Checked out but still talking of future together?

[LunaAndHerMoonDragons]

Our marriage is all but over. Various reasons, he doesn't love me anymore or at least he won't say weither he does or not and he certainly doesn't act loving. Years of dealing with snappy angry moods and being blamed. DH not being able to respect my boundaries or take responsibility for the shitty things he's done. Me feeling to anxious and too scared round him to talk about anything meaningful.....and so on.

He seems completely checked out, he has zero interest in stepping up, leaves everything he can to me, but then like yesterday he starts talking about what we should be doing in the future as a family. Have others experienced this? I feel guilty everytime it happens, for making plans to separate. Does it mean he's not actually checked out?

Sorry your going through this sounds like a horrible situation, it’s hard to say but It sounds like he wants to keep you hanging on while he plans his exit. If I where you I’d forge ahead ahead with your own plan, you have nothing to feel guilty for but I understand that feeling which can often be quite strong due to the marriage ending.

I hope it gets better for you soon

My life

Everything you have said says that your marriage is over. The fact he's talking about the future could mean several things - habit / basically you're useful to have around and he assumes you'll never leave / he knows you're unhappy and enjoys making you feel worse / he's making clear that you have to be the one to end it so he isn't the 'bad guy' / so he can tell people how he was busy planning the future and you've shocked him by leaving.

Whatever his reasons, it doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything. And you should not feel guilty. Read again how he treats you. Does what he's saying change any of that?

Whether or not he's checked out, you are unhappy, so it's irrelevant.

It doesn't change what's happened, or how I feel, but it does make me feel guilty, like it's me whose breaking up our family, that if I could have done more, found the right words, that somehow I could fix things. Patterns from childhood, feeling responsible and needing to fix everything.

The bad stuff is fairly removed from everyday life. It feels more like a dream. I can hang onto it for a while, but then something like this and I'm back to feeling guilty and worthless again.

I wanted to separate over 12 months ago, then covid and lockdown happened and our youngest was diagnosed with a medical condition from which he should eventually recover fully. It's nothing major, but we've had to change a lot of things day to day and he's required a higher level of care. Last week I had to take him in to get some checks done, he'd had an unusually bad week. I text DH who was at work to say I was taking him into hospital to check things hadn't worsened, and he didn't reply to any of my updates all day. I thought for sure he was in a big meeting or left his phone at home. Turned out he'd had a tough day, but had managed lunch out so wasn't exactly too busy to reply. I'm waiting on some SEN assessments that should happen before the end of the year for the other DC. If we separate he could block these and it's crucial DC get them so I can get support for them. I know we have to seperate and I really don't want to go through another Christmas not together but not seperated, but I still don't know how I'm going to find the courage to tell him.

Basically he doesn't care how unhappy you are, he's just fine. The situation doesn't bother him, he gets to live his life as he pleases and he has you at home making her life easier for him, the house is cleaned, food is there for him to eat, clean clothes in the wardrobe, children looked after and not bothering him. And he doesn't really see why it should change.

Until he feels the effects of you being happy he will continue to act like this, why wouldn't he? He hasn't cared how you've felt up until now, why would he start?

Shit people like your DH know they can't be shit all the time, so they'll say/do juuuust enough to keep you hooked and reel you back in. Until the next time when they start the process all over again.

Get a solicitor and get out.

Actually it's quite a common thread - the guy disengages but doesn't have the balls to end it properly, hangs around like a bad smell for the home comforts and validation of having the woman run round trying to re-engage with him.

You are too useful to him to manage the children and house for him to let go completely. He has already checked out but just want the steady comforts you bring to the table. You want out now so try and push the guilt away, he is not a good father or husband....always remember that when you feel weak. Let go of the union and separate with clear boundaries.

Let go. You are being used.

Sounds like my ex , he was such a shit and pushed me to the edge but was surprised when I cancelled a planned holiday with him and broke up with him ! This was after he said he was going to his mums to give me space but had booked himself a flight to bloody Australia.
He found a replacement pretty quick for all of the above reasons others have mentioned. New gf now cleaning cooking and looking after his kids .
Don't leave him with the mind " that'll teach him " , they don't give a shit really, do it for your own happiness.

I'm through the other side and I feel like new woman x

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons your post really resonates with me. This was/is my life.

I completely agree with everyone in that, you are convenient for him, too convenient for him to ever leave, but that doesn't mean he will change.

I also agree that he doesn't want to be the bad guy.
I ended things with my dh a few weeks ago and as much as I already knew he would detach from us quickly, but his lack of effort has shocked me. I feel hurt and to be honest pretty used by him.

I am still very up and down and really hope that things get easier in time and I don't end up full of regret.

It is early days still though but I must say, the atmosphere at home is much better without his presence and my resentment of his lazy, selfish ways.
Good luck, whatever you decide

I'm waiting on some SEN assessments that should happen before the end of the year for the other DC. If we separate he could block these and it's crucial DC get them

Why do you think he might block them?

@category12

Actually it's quite a common thread - the guy disengages but doesn't have the balls to end it properly, hangs around like a bad smell for the home comforts and validation of having the woman run round trying to re-engage with him.

Bad smell 😂. I'm not really trying to re-engage anymore, it's just the internal guilt spiral. Though I can't say I didn't spend way too long doing the pick me or in this case the please fall back in love with me dance. I don't want him back anymore, I just want a peaceful home and not to feel worthless. I know being around him is never going to provide either.

I expect it would hurt still, but I'd feel relieved if his response was shrug his shoulders, who cares and he's happy to walk away. Talking about our future as a family worries me, I don't want to have to fight. I'm so exhausted, mentally and physically, to the core. I hate still being here. I was really worried for our little one after his new diagnosis last year. Once things has sunk in it a bit I also felt panicked and desperate at the idea we'd be stuck together until the worst bit of his recovery was over. Luckily his prognosis is a lot better than we first thought. I started making plans again. Our eldest started having full on panic attacks, saying she wished she was dead, which only I can deal with, not that he hasn't tried, she doesn't trust him enough. Slowly getting there, just need that all important diagnosis and start treatment, so he can't derail it. I'm hoping that can happen before Christmas and we can be done with this horrible limbo. Neither in nor out. I don't know how I'll find the strength to tell him, and deal with everything that comes after, but I do know I need to.

How could he derail any health care or diagnosis ? Children don’t need the consent of both parents to access health care . I’m a single parent and no one has ever asked if my kids father consents to their care.

One parent consenting is enough. AFAIK your husband would have to go to court and convince the court that whatever treatment your child was having was damaging and ask for an order to stop it.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I'm waiting on some SEN assessments that should happen before the end of the year for the other DC. If we separate he could block these and it's crucial DC get them

Why do you think he might block them?

Because it's one of the things we've fought about. Because he dismissed my concerns for years with our ND child, because he didn't want me pursuing a diagnosis. Because he thinks they need discipline not support.

It's too critical, our eldest needs an answer to why she feels the way she does. My 10 year old has told me that she wants to die. We've accessed se support and she's doing better, but still a long way to go. She needs access to regular support, to funding for therapy, none of which she can get without a diagnosis. I'm not ready right now either. I need to put my guilt down long enough to get my ducks in a row. I just hope it's a few weeks before Christmas, I really don't want to go through another fake Christmas.

Different country, I'm not in the UK.

[quote Sundayblues21]@LunaAndHerMoonDragons your post really resonates with me. This was/is my life.

I completely agree with everyone in that, you are convenient for him, too convenient for him to ever leave, but that doesn't mean he will change.

I also agree that he doesn't want to be the bad guy.
I ended things with my dh a few weeks ago and as much as I already knew he would detach from us quickly, but his lack of effort has shocked me. I feel hurt and to be honest pretty used by him.

I am still very up and down and really hope that things get easier in time and I don't end up full of regret.

It is early days still though but I must say, the atmosphere at home is much better without his presence and my resentment of his lazy, selfish ways.
Good luck, whatever you decide [/quote]
Thanks. I love it when he's away, so peaceful, the no resentment. I'd love him just to bugger off, but don't expect that to happen.

I'm not well. Limited energy and limited amount I can do physically. Hard to think straight with how much pain I'm in. Am going to have to woman up, whatever the cost and get on with it.

I’m sorry, I didn’t express myself clearly. I understand now why he would like to block them. Sadly your story is very common. Many men seem to think that a child with any special needs is an adverse reflection on them and their manhood.

They would rather have their wife and child struggle on without support than accept that they don’t have the power to “ fix “ everything. ( I know it’s not about fixing and your child is not “ faulty “ but that’s what many of them think ).

Also it gives them a convenient stick to beat their wife “ Our child wouldn’t be like this if you were a better mother “.

And it’s also a good excuse for dodging their family responsibilities “ I won’t go out / care for my child when they behave like that / I can’t cope / they won’t listen to me “ .

So I’m sorry I asked the wrong question, I should have asked “ Can he block them ? “.

Do you need his legal consent to have her assessed and diagnosed?
Do you need him to pay for it ?
Do you need him to cooperate with any treatment / therapy ?

It's a grey area, they may not ask to speak to him. But if he contacts the paediatrician and says he doesn't consent to an assessment or medication they won't go forward with the assessment or won't prescribe the medication. I know people this has happened to. Whether he would actually do that, I don't know, I don't know him anymore. He's acted in ways I would have said two years ago, he'd never do. I don't want to risk it, not after how much our 10 year old DD has struggled recently. If these assessments return the diagnosis I expect she shouldn't need medication. If they don't she'll have to go back on the waitlist for further assessments, and we'll have to consider trialing medication. More assessments would be 12+ months wait again. I know I can't live like that for that long.