How do you ensure enough quality time with your spouse?

[Heymumba]

We have 2 young children, he has a demanding job, a couple of hobbies and a large social circle. I work part-time in a demanding job and do most of the family stuff, carry pretty much all of the mental load, try to swim weekly, see a friends once a fortnight, we both have to work a couple of evenings a week too.

Whilst I prioritise couple time above all other social time, DH will often join friends watching a sporting event, or play tennis.

I'm fed up of reminding him that time together eating with the kids is not the same as quality time together and I'm bgeinning to feel like little more than the home help. I say beginning, but I've felt like this for a long, long time.

We are having disagreements and he says that all couples with kids are like us. I disagree. So, I'd like to know, how do you prioritise quality couple time? I feel like we're housemates a lot of the time and want to prove to him that other couples do prioritise it better than we (he) does.

Weekends generally are for us. We do have time away and we do go out with friends or do hobbies, but it’s the exception rather than the rule. We have demanding careers that are more than 9-5 so work most weekday evenings. Our only free time without children is Friday/Saturday/Sunday evenings. Like I said we do sometimes go away for the weekend without the other or see friends, but 95% of weekend time is for us together as a family or a couple, otherwise we’d barely see each other. It works well, we have a generally strong, happy marriage.

I think it depends how young. We have a two-year-old, one-year-old and I'm 26 weeks pregnant. Our kids are a bit relentless and the youngest goes to sleep late. We virtually get no time on our own together but we are together either working from home or with the kids all the time. We each cosleep with a child so don't have that either. But we find ways, talk while on walks with the kids in the buggy and sometimes they'll nap. We occasionally get a couple of hours if my mother-in-law takes them for a bit. We manage to occasionally see friends but only because the other takes the kids. Time to go on a date night in the evenings is out the question but between it all we do manage, it's not great but it's a short season of life. I have friends that have maybe one kid and a huge support network though so some people just get more free time than others.

Also I'll add - things always seem ok so long as we're having regular sex! We're still stressed but that part of our relationship doesn't die

We try to sit and watch something together. We have very busy work schedules (although WFH) and two young dc, no childcare options for evenings or weekends. We went out for a meal last week during the day for the first time in 3 years! But generally it's Saturday evening TV. We don't have hobbies as our jobs are too full on, we wouldn't have time around them. Likewise with socialising.

Could you increase your hobbies and social circle so you have as many commitments as him? Then you can equally and fairly divide family time and commitments between you.

Saturday nights we put the kids to bed and then get a nice bottle of wine, charcuterie and cheese and other nibbles, put music on and just sit and chat for a few hours until bedtime. No watching TV, checking phones, getting up to put a load of laundry on / empty the bins / tidy, etc. Basically we started because we were trying to recreate at home the nice couple nights we used to have at our favourite wine bar - without paying a fortune for babysitting. Worked particularly well in lockdown too.

I know "date-night" is a naff Americanism, but it is actually really, really important. Forces you to talk to each other properly and enjoy each other's company (and if you realise you can't sustain conversation for a couple of hours or don't enjoy each other's company, at least after some practice, then you have a bigger problem.) Obviously if you can afford occasional babysitting, going out as a couple is even better, but if you are firm about no phones/chores you can do it at home.