What constitutes Domestic Violence/Abuse? and how much would you take from your partner?

[YesIChangedMyName]

Don't really want to go into it as even with name change sure OH will read this. Suffice to say had problems a few years ago thought it was in the past, but a recent one off as made me think how much it too much. and if my kids are so happy surely a one off shouldnt result in their childhood being sacrifficed?

I'm not sure it's about how much to take - but how good the relationship is the rest of the time

Is he respectful now, kind now, loving now. Caring towards you. Has he made enormous changes to change how he treated you in the past - or has it always been bubbling under the surface?

So sorry

hmm this is a very difficult one, i have to say i dont completeky agree with the theory that if he has hit u once he will do it again and again, my dh has never hit me although he did push me once many years ago when we where in the middle of a steaming row, he was very apoligetic though, and he hasnt done it again since, so i had of been the type of person to leave because he had started being "violent" with me then i would of missed out on many happy years IYSWIM i think im rambling now, i know what i mean anyway

I thought it was all behind us, I didnt expect him to do anythign like that again. Wasnt anywhere near as bad as before, but i guess it will always be in his nature.

If my hubby was ever to lay a hand on me I wouldnt stand for it. I think the fact you use the words "how much would you take" shows you know you shouldnt have to put up with any of it.

I have been in a situation that was bad...and then became good....and then became bad. IME some men will never change unless they seek professional help.

I now would not even take my (new) partner even calling me a derogatory name. You have to have respect for each other and IMO anything less is not worth it. I had one dd when I walked out on my first marriage. It was the best thing I ever did. She witnessed things that no kid should and I vowed that never again. She was my dd and I had to do what it took to protect her. My first husband was (and still is) a good dad but was a completely rubbish husband. It was not worth hanging around to see if things would change. I knew that they never would. I am glad (although it was very difficult on dd) that I left. It takes courage and time but I have never looked back and dd is a happy child.

You should never have to 'take' anything which makes you feel upset.

I would take nothing. Literally nothing. And neither would I expect DH to take it from me. If you love someone you do not abuse them.

I HAD THIS OVER 4 YEARS I KNEW IT WOULD NOT DISSOLVE,I LIVED ON EGG SHELLS EVERY TIME HE GOT MAD,I LOVED HIM BUT KEPT THINKING OF MY KIDS FUTURE & THE LONG TERM EFFEECTS,THEN DECIDED I HAVE TO MAKE THE CHANGE COS HE NEVER WOULD.NOW I AM IN A NEW PLACE,SO IS HE & OUR KIDS KNOW THE MAN/DAD I FELL IN LOVE WITH,TIME HEALS.

the clear logical answer is that you shouldn't take any abuse.

you will hear women who have never been in the situation say "i would leave teh first time" in reality i dont know anyone who really has left after the first violant or agressive incident.

i cannot advise you on your situation as i dont know it.
but i would say that the fact that you thought the violance was over but that it has rsurfaced says a lot.

it will be there forever, you will alwyas be thinking whether if this disagreement will result in you being hit.
if you feel you can live like that then that is your choice, if you feel that your children are so oblivious that they do not realise there has been violance between you.

I'll give you a child's perspective.
My dad was never physically violent but very intimidating and sometimes verbally abusive and we were always walking on eggshells.
He was a dotting dad and never refused us anything but was always very dismissive of my mum and today, I feel extremely resentfull.
In retrospect I realise how controlling, temperamental, insecure & immature he is.
Both me and my sister have married very tempered respectfull men and both of us would have become like him if it was not for our DHs. You need a lot of maturity and life experience o get out of the pattern your parents insidiously showed you.
My younger brother went through a mild patch of drug abuse and is still completely under his spell.
All I'm saying is your children see an feel everything. That's what he must understand.
I don't think one isolated episode is relevant. But only you can tell if there is a pattern of disrespect. That, you should not allow to develop.

To answer the first part of your Q, any hitting, pushing, shoving, scratching or any physical contact with an aggressive or hostile motivation.

Plus insults, screaming and shouting, threats or any patterns of verbal put-downs or hostility designed to intimidate or frighten into submission.

Anything that makes me afraid of him. Any treatment that leaves me jumpy or jittery when I know he's due home.

Anything I feel compelled to lie to others about. -- I walked into a door.... he's under stress...... everything's fine.....we're very happy...... he's a good father...... he treats me like a princess..... he's a good man really......)

To answer the second part of your q. -- none of the above.

no time but there is no stautory definitionof domestic violence as far as I know so it can be any form of abuse at all ranging from financial (ie threatening to stop paying the nmortgage) to verbal to the obvious physical violence.

All these things plus more insidious things - isolating the partner from friends/family; control of all the finances; constant checking up and controlling of phone calls, emails etc; putdowns and slow destruction of confidence and self-esteem. Those things even without a hand raised can constitute abuse. It seems clear from your op that you are in this situation, although presumably the 'one-off' refers to physical violence?

If there has been violence in the past then it is not a 'one-off', it is a return to form.

Kids are not happy in homes where there is domestic abuse, in fact studies have shown that the damage is on a par to living in a war zone.

Please call the women's aid helpline for a confidential chat, use a callbox if he checks your calls.

I wouldn't stand for any physical abuse, emotional or mental can be harder to define/ get away from.

If he has been violent (which your post suggests) then I'm sorry but what kind of childhood do you think your kids will have if they see their dad hitting their mum? I'd say you were sacrificing their childhood by STAYING.

Surely its worse for children to be witness their mother suffering?

Of course I would say I would never put up with any sort of abuse, but of course I have never been in that situation and I know it's easy for someone who hasn't experienced it to say I'd walk away the first time....

Also, the first instance is no longer a 'one-off'. I know I would always be waiting for the next incident.

As others have said, it would be best to walk away now, not only for yourself but for your children and their future, including how they act and are treated in their adult relationships. How would you feel if your dc got into a abusive situation?