How did you survive the smear campaign

[batteredsoul]

I'm leaving my narcissistic partner. 2 kids, I'm leaving the family home. We have agreed on the finances & childcare and I was hoping for an amicable split so as not to distress the children too much but it looks like I'm in for a rocky ride.
He is a pathological liar, but he genuine believes his own lies so it makes trying to reason with him impossible. He lies about me to me so I know he does it, but I'm mortified by what he could be saying about me to others.
Everything he accuses me of are things he is guilty of himself which I understand is classic narcissistic projection. The injustice of it all is tearing me apart. I'm remaining silent and not defending myself/ shouting my truth as I know it only makes things worse. Was hoping others that have left similar types of people can tell me they fall flat on their face in the end?
BTW I've changed my username, long time poster.

@Williesfillies I really identify with this part of what you say:

Many more things, it’s weird that since leaving him I’ve discovered people actually really like me generally and that I’m really personable. I spent years with his family (parents and step kids) hating me, to the point I thought I would have a breakdown, there were times I started to believe I was what they said I was (they also have his lying traits and at one point I saw some awful things written about me and my children) but I spent years being told how awful I was, how this was why no one liked me etc, etc.

I’ve discovered that I have friends. That people like me and that I have friends I spend time with.

20+ years of being told I was evil and no one liked me from him and his family and having no friends and no life outside the home had my self esteem in the toilet.

I reacted at first now I don't it took a little while for me to learn to laugh at him his latest thing was telling his ex I wanted him back and I was beating him up and telling him to tell her we were together I face timed her and showed her I was in my garden on my own he was still texting her saying OMG HELP ME SHE IS BEATING ME SO BADLY it was fucking appalling and comical at the same time

Probably not what you wanted to hear but I barely survived. Had to move to a new town and start again. My own children, all my friends and my own mother believed him. We are now ten years down the line and nothing has changed. We’ve always been amicable and got on for the kids, but that’s because I just maintain a dignified silence as he’s just so manipulative.

I am currently at the point where I’m a nervous wreck when he contacts me over the children still. I have a long way to go with him.

Ian trying to grey rock and I always run my replies to texts/emails through someone else so they can remove anything that isn’t necessary.

I still feel a huge need to justify myself or argue why what he’s saying isn’t right, but, for example the “she’s stopping me seeing my children” line will be a line whatever I offered, that’s not going to change ever

I was told -and still am being told! - all the things that everyone has been saying on here. No one likes me, his family were scared of me, that he was the victim of emotional abuse, I have no friends etc etc.
it’s so, so hard not try to right this wrong. While married to the man, I kept trying to reason with him and even now I receive texts from him telling me what an awful person I am.
But the thing is, I know none of it is true. And like everyone else I am just getting on with my life - with my friends, and most importantly with my daughter, leaving the arse-wipe to continue to make a chaotic mess of his.
It’s not easy. It’s really hurtful. Dealing with a narcissist is really challenging and I’m stuck with him unfortunately until my daughter is an adult. He’s mean with money, lets her down, but he’s also a very serious alcoholic who is showing no signs of slowing down.
I was even quite jealous of his last girlfriend who when they split could just disappear from his life for ever.
But I’m getting better - four years on - on dealing with or at least ignoring him.
Know the people who mind don’t matter and people who matter don’t mind.

If people are telling you things its best to say your not interested i lost a few friends over this but its easier now

I can't believe how common this type of behaviour is and I'm so sorry for all of you that have suffered. It really is one of the hardest things a person can go through.
I too am being accused of only caring about money ( he's the workaholic that has kept all of his money in his business account and I work part time around the children, I pay for everything to do with them ) he says I have no conscience ( this is the polar opposite ) that I don't care about my family and I'm cold and heartless ( I know this isn't true but it's crazy making that he even says it to me when he knows it's ridiculous ) he accused me of secretly drugging our toddler with homeopathic drugs behind his back ( I gave him chamomilla for teething ) he makes little comments insinuating I am abusive and this part terrifies me. What if he's telling everyone all of the shit he's telling me? I am self employed and concerned that his lies could affect my business if my clients get wind of what he's saying.
I know there's nothing I can do. I'm stuck living with him for the time being, I stay away from him as much as possible but I feel like my soul is being slowly chipped away at.

I am regularly accused of being a bad parent with the prefix “what kind of mother are you that does xyz”
I’m also told I’m not loving to the children. I love them very much, but I am not the huggy all over them parent, maybe if I wasn’t working so hard to bridge the gap between what he will give us and what we actually need in order to survive then I might feel more like hugging people.

You dont, you own yourself and you ignore the rest.
It comes to light sooner or later

Stay silent dont slander back and people soon realise and In my case apologise, including his family.
Do the right thing no matter what and you will always feel better

I am going through this right now. I finished with him six weeks ago because he cheated on me with his mates girlfriend in somebody’s bathroom when he was drunk. I was very civil despite being heartbroken, and even returned all his things. But ever since then the smear campaign has been unbearable, even worse than all the years of abuse I took from him. He will talk about me to anyone who will listen, and even people who won’t. He tells everybody that I’m addicted to cocaine and that I slept with two of his friends, neither which are true about me but are very true about him. I Completely empathise with you, it is the most difficult bit of dealing with a narcissist. It seems very very unfair after everything you go through with them that they cannot even let you heal in peace after the break up. It seems they stop at nothing until they ruin your life. They really are a pure form of evil

As others have said, eventually you will make it out the other side and realise you aren’t the person he told you you were, that you have friends and he has a very sad and lonely life with superficial, transactional relationships.

It can take years and you may lose people along the way, but you will truly realise the value of the friendships and relationships that survive.

I would definitely find yourself a counsellor. Having someone objective and outside the situation listen to you and support you to undo the damage he has done is worth every penny.

For years I believed I was a bad person, that was the narrative he formed, we were both bad people and that’s why we were together. He quietly chipped away at my confidence and preyed on every insecurity.

I now realise, after a lot of work, that that’s simply isn’t true.

He tried to poison my family, but fortunately my parents laughed him out the door. Of our mutual friends, he has no one. His only ‘friendships’ are with colleagues. His best friend of 20+ Has nothing to do with him as he saw through his lies.

Good luck OP

for all of you dealing with these abusive wankers.

I tend to find I make my own mind up about people and anyone making dramatic claims about their exes ‘poisoning’ children etc would be treated with the scepticism they deserve.

I should add that after getting away from a toxic relationship your judgement in your own self worth and your abilities really does return. You won’t always feel powerless! So feel free to borrow some confidence from the future . It will come right in the end.

No advice on how to survive it as I’m currently going through it myself, he’s ramping up his efforts because the court hearing is soon, so life is pretty unbearable right now.

I’ve found giving him no reaction whatsoever works well, that’s all he wants after all and it infuriates him when he doesn’t get it.

To cope with the hurt of people I thought
were my friends believing him over me, I remind myself that if they knowingly choose to support a man whose siblings, ex-wife and ex-partner all say is abusive and that he abused them. Then they aren’t good people and I wouldn’t want them in my life anyway, I firmly believe they know what he’s been doing yet choose to ignore it for an easy life. That’s horrifying behaviour to me and I want no part of it.

Good riddance to them.

Totally understandable to be worried about losing income through your business on top of everything else

Realistically he may put one or two people off, his mum or GF for eg, but I'm sure you'll find that his spouting off won't make any difference in the end. Try not to let it get you down.

I recently bumped into my ex's best friend and we had a chat where he brought some interesting things up. He had totally believed my ex's lies and had truly believed I was crazy at the time but his opinion had completely changed after I left.

Ex had eventually taken him for a few £££s, used him in various ways, had shown himself up by bringing 20-somethings home as the new missus (ex was in his 40's by then), and just generally letting his real attitude show. Best friend was left in a bit of a mess at the end and the friendship was over. Ex then spent the following years rinse and repeating the same with various new "best" friends and a string of 20-somethings

I on the other hand was just getting on with rebuilding life, had kept in touch with another mutual friend who was also close to ex's friend and he'd heard about me periodically through the years from her.

He apologised to me for not recognising what was going on and doing something about it at the time. I'm not really sure what he could have done tbh but it was very sweet of him to say.

It was a long time ago but still weirdly validating after all this time that my ex had finally been seen for what he was and his lies about me had been seen through.

Simply tell people that you are splitting as he tells too many lies. Then they won't believe what he's saying about you!

The advice I've been given time and time again is to not react, don't argue, don't try to convince anyone of anything. In time, the truth will come to light. Live your life and wait.

It's destroying me though. It has destroyed me. I'm a shadow of my former self. Not sure I can recover, I hope you can.