Why?

[LunaAndHerMoonDragons]

Name changed. A bit of background. DH and I have 3 under 10s, all with some degree of SEN and ND. I've got a chronic illness that, amongst other symptoms causes constant bad pain and exhaustion.

Two years ago DH told me he didn't think he loved me anymore, then refused to talk about it till he was ready. I'm still waiting. Everything's been badly downhill since. I tried to pretend he didn't mean it, stupidly went on having sex then going out to watch TV and cry afterwards, while he went to sleep. He's always been a bit snappish and easily angry, but nothing like this before or since. I felt used and worthless having sex with him. When I couldn't take it anymore and stopped he got angry and a bit scary on a few occasions. I still tried to patch things up, he kept pushing for intimacy and I'd feel sick with anxiety from even just a kiss. Finally I said clearly that he needed to give me physical space as I still felt anxious and afraid around him. He had a go at me, saying it was a nasty thing to do telling him that and trying to make him feel bad. In the end he agreed to give me space but was pushing again just hours later.

DH works full time, does very little else no matter how sick I am. To the point he actually insisted one morning, when I was struggling to stand and walk, that I had to make DCs lunches because he didn't know how. This was the only time I asked him to do this and I made it very clear how much pain I was in. And he didn't GAF.

Our marriage has zero intimacy, I still feel anxious around him and if he raises his voice I feel scared. I'm overthink telling him things because I don't know how he'll react. I am slowly getting organised to separate, waiting on some SEN assessments amoug other things. He can block these if we split.

He still brings up the future plans we had years ago. In the sense of how or when we'd do these things in the future. It makes me feel extremely guilty, that I'm planning to blow his life apart. It makes me wonder if there's still love there, it makes me not want to hurt him. I don't why he does this. Willful blindness, wanting to upset me, still genuinely feels we have a future together?

Sounds like no future for you regardless of what he thinks.

I would carry on with your plans to separate. When you are ready just say regardless of love or future plans or the family you have you clearly make each other miserable.

That's the plan.

I was hoping someone would say their OH was talking future plans when they were actually checked out and ready to leave.

He seems really checked out, doing minimum with the kids, suddenly doing lots of walking off on his own WFH days and weekends. He spends a lot of time streaming on his tablet or watching news. He hasn't acted like there is love there for a long time. Then he makes these comments and it throws me, I start wondering if I'm wrong, I don't trust myself anymore.

You shouldn't feel guilty at all. He sounds horrible, and doesn't show any sign of liking you let alone loving you. He is a bad parent, lazy, selfish, doesn't care if you are in pain, doesn't look after you / support you when you're ill, says he doesn't think he loves you anymore then refuses to discuss it.

Amidst all this, when you say you feel nervous around him and don't want to be inimate, he says you're mean???? Is he serious?!! Can you read that back and see how ridiculous it is.

He sounds awful in every way. Even if he turned in to the perfect husband today you couldn't ever trust him again, or forget about all the awful stuff he's done and said.

I have been in that place where you know you have to leave but it isn't quite the right time. You have to do what's right for you and your DC. They are your only responsibility now. You aren't responsible for the happiness of the man who has treated you like rubbish for years. I don't see him trying to make your life better and worrying and feeling guilty about you, do you?

Take your time, keep moving towards splitting, and know that life will be easier and so much happier on the other side

Why is a really dangerous question. It assumes that there is a logical answer, and then you can tie yourself in knots because surely any sensible, logical, intelligent person would be able to work the answer out, wouldn't they? And then you can start feeling like an idiot, because you can't work it out.

The thing is, we understand people when they do things in a similar way to the way that we might, if we were in their situation. We understand people who are like us. If somebody is vastly different from most of us (like a psychopath, say), then lots of people won't understand them. We're not supposed to understand psychopaths. We're too different from them.

To understand somebody's behaviour, you have to be able to see how you might do the same thing yourself. Would you ever actually want to behave the way your husband is? Because if you want to, you're going to have to be more like him. You're going to have to put yourself in his shoes, and think 'Yup, I'd probably do the same, actually.'

I really don't think you want to be like him, do you? On and off, not making sense, contradictory... he's basically being bewilderingly and unfathomably shitty to you. Unfathomably is the key word. Don't waste your time on why. It will never make sense to you because you're a nice person and he isn't; you're to different to 'get it'.

Leave behind the fathoming of his behaviour, and look instead at how it makes you feel. That's the important thing. How do you feel? Focus there.

I start wondering if I'm wrong, I don't trust myself anymore

And always, always run from anybody who makes you feel this way. Doesn't matter who's right, who's wrong, whether or not you understand. Just go.