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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Overbearing mil

5 replies

Paint69 · 22/07/2021 11:26

Name changing as this could be outing. Have had a fairly good relationship with mil for 7 years, until pregnant with DC1. She constantly doubted whether mine and DH relationship would survive a baby and whether we 'knew each other enough' ( were together 5 years). Constantly reminded is how difficult children were etc. Then when DC1 came along she couldn't get enough. I had pnd and she made me feel awful that we moved into my parents house for support as DH works long hours. She was jealous and bitter. Sending DH messages about how my parents saw DC more than her and how she felt left out, so we included her more and DC1 even stayed at her house with DH only a few weeks old. Then caused a scene when DC1 was about 10 months old and she demanded he stay over hers for sleepovers and had this conversation with DH without even involving me and tried to get him to agree to DC1 staying every other weekend. Which I quickly put a stop too and told her no, I wasnt comfortable with this. Fast forward to now we have DC2, newborn, who is unwell at the moment. We've declined a few family holidays that we are pressured into and also a family get together because DC2 is unwell. This is met with messages to try and make us feel guilty about the family not meeting DC2 yet. I'm fed up with there being constant control over our lives. I know she hates that DH works long hours and only has one day off, but so do I. There's not much I can do about it, i feel like I'm constantly about to go to blows with her. I just want to move away and be left alone. Dh is always the one trying to reason with her on my behalf as I don't want to appear confrontational and ruin our good relationship. However now I've had enough. Should I try and explain how I'm feeling?

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 22/07/2021 11:41

Should I try and explain how I'm feeling.

I really wouldn't bother, it doesn't sound as if she'd listen or care.

I'd just let your DH keep fielding off this batshit her messages, as long as this is working for you both.

So sorry that your DC2 is unwell as well Thanks

newdaynew · 22/07/2021 12:13

Don't bother trying to explain how you're feeling as it sounds like she simply won't understand you as she will make it all about herself.

My MIL is the same. I've learned not to express my feelings or even mention when I have an injury or illness because she immediately self-references. You have to learn to live with it and not let it bother you. Moving away would help.

EL8888 · 22/07/2021 12:34

Another vote for don’t waste your breath. Let DH keep her at bay, he also needs to be more robust in his attempts to contain her and keep her at bay

I hope DC2 gets well soon, you don’t need your MIL ridiculous behaviour on top of everything else

NatriumChloride · 22/07/2021 12:42

Similar experience here. An emphatic NO. Do not explain how you feel. It will do no good, and will ruin the relationship you have as she’ll feel that you’re the one keeping the GC away from her (even though that’s not true.) Don’t say anything at all. Leave your husband to deal with his mother.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/07/2021 13:24

His mother does not care how you feel and has never done so either.

Your boundaries have been way too low to date and that also gave her an "in". You've likely not met anyone like his mother before either and probably came from an emotionally healthy family unit. Your DH was not so lucky.

Where are your boundaries at here re his mother?. Not also wanting to be confrontational (in this case expressing your own boundaries) has also given her an opportunity for her to further put the boot into you.

Indeed leave your H to deal with his mother as of now. Do not have anything to do with her and I would also suggest keeping your children well away from her. If a relative or parent is too batshit, toxic or otherwise too damn difficult for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for the children as well.

Your DH is key here. How does he get along with her these days, do they have any sort of relationship at all?. How does he act in her presence, does he default to child like mode? Is he stumbling about re her in his own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

Putting more mental as well as physical distance between you and she could help no end.

Do read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward.

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