Being accused of not doing something

[spanishlinnet]

I am posting to find out if anyone's partner has ever accused them of not doing something when you clearly have. I'm not talking about a single task like putting out the bins, but something over a number of years. An example (and it's not this) would be your partner complaining that you've hardly ever done the school run when you've done it all the time DC were at school. A task which your partner couldn't be in any doubt about you having done it because if you hadn't done it, then it would be obvious (like the DC not being at school). Thank you in advance for any help.

No but then my partner isn’t a gaslighting knob

Is that what it is - gaslighting? The film about the lights being turned off to make the woman think she is going mad?

I think it’s a form of it to tell your partner that she hasn’t done something when she clearly has been

Yes it's gaslighting. A favourite tool of abusive knobs.

My initial thought was that he is trying to gaslight you. Its a form of pyschological abuse designed to make the person question their own reality.

Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Is it just this one thing, or does he do the same thing with lots of situations ?

@DinosaurDiana

Is it just this one thing, or does he do the same thing with lots of situations ?

Only this one thing. It's a very big thing over a long time. I don't understand why he would choose such a big thing to gaslight me over as it's not something I'm remotely going to question whether I've done it. I know I've done it. It's obvious I've done it. Having said that, it may not be obvious to other people beyond our family.

Have you asked him why he’s choosing to be a knob about this, and why he’s continuing to upset you and cause you self doubt ?

If he trying to fool you, or himself? Could be the latter perhaps.

@johnd2

If he trying to fool you, or himself? Could be the latter perhaps.

Think johnd2 might be onto something.

Hes gaslighting you. Which In turn makes him abusive.

You deserve better op

He might have picked such a big and ridiculous thing because IF he can get you douting such a thing, it's a bigger achievement. If it gets to the point where you actually look confused at something you 100% know you've done, he knows he has you fully under his spell.

Is there a benefit to him to think you didn't do this thing? ie is he trying to tell people that he always did it? Or is it something that he's rather think you weren't capable of doing, and would have needed him to do?

What does he gain be rewriting history in this case?

@layladomino

Is there a benefit to him to think you didn't do this thing? ie is he trying to tell people that he always did it? Or is it something that he's rather think you weren't capable of doing, and would have needed him to do?

What does he gain be rewriting history in this case?

I've thought long and hard about what he has to gain by rewriting history. The only things I can think of is that it paints me in a bad light and makes out he's hard done by. Which is absolutely crazy.

Did you ask well how did the dcs get to school then?

@longtompot

Did you ask well how did the dcs get to school then?

I did. Well the equivalent of that. He just sort of stared blankly back at me like he didn't believe me. Like the DC had magically got to school by themselves and I had no part in that whatsoever. When I pushed him on it, when I pointed out the evidence there in black and white, he said he'd forgotten some and apologised. But it's not the sort of thing you can forget. It was (is) the weirdest thing. If he's gaslighting me he's not succeeding but it's certainly making me question his sanity.

Is it possible he constructed an alternative narrative about this particular thing - say to someone else outside the family - and it became so entrenched in his mind that at that moment he was unable to decipher fact from his alternative narrative?

Sounds like he actually might have a problem with either his memory , or how other family members view him .

Only you know which it is more likely to be, depending on H's history of actions/inaction re this 'thing', and when/how/ with whom the subject came up ?

@newdaynew

Is it possible he constructed an alternative narrative about this particular thing - say to someone else outside the family - and it became so entrenched in his mind that at that moment he was unable to decipher fact from his alternative narrative?

My exh was exactly like this! He got caught out when one of his family members repeated something to me he'd said. When I confronted him he genuinely believed the BS he'd be saying! 🤦‍♀️

Ah the 'blank stare' back at you when you ask a perfectly reasonable question. Yep, definately gaslighting you.

As for what he has to 'gain', its exactly what you said. To make you look the bad guy and to make himself look hard done by. Crazy as that seems to us, this is what his sort like to do. We cant understand it because we aren't toxic.

He knows fine well what he is doing. He just doesn't want you to know he knows.

I'd wager there are some other behaviours from him revolving around control and manipulation too if you were to look.