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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't think I'll ever find anyone

10 replies

kalesmoothies · 22/07/2021 06:49

I'm in my mid-20s and have had 3 serious long term relationships. The first one cheated on me. Second was a classmate of mine who turned out to be a nut job who had folders saved of nudes of students who went to our Uni (apparently the boys had group chats where they would share nudes they received or found on the internet). Third was obsessed with porn. You know how throughout the day you'd pick up your phone and scroll through your messages or forums and whatnot? Well, every time I glanced over at his phone he was scrolling through nudes or porn on Reddit, even in public. He would also do this into the wee hours and then wake up grumpy because he hasn't had enough sleep.

All of these were regular men who I never thought would turn out like that.

Let's talk non-serious relationships. Friends. I have friends from Uni, volunteering and my internship. Over half of them have jokingly (not sure what the joke is) asked for nudes. They ask them from everyone. It's like some sick Pokémon card collecting game. Dating apps. I met 2 guys on there. Both went straight to anal like it's expected and one spat in my face and was puzzled I didn't like it. Again, nice regular people who don't give out red flags while we were talking.

What's wrong with everyone? Is it me having expectations that are way too high? I feel like if this is how it is I'm just going to end up all alone. Sad

OP posts:
mdh2020 · 22/07/2021 07:39

You need to concentrate on making a life for yourself - make friends(of both sexes) and find something you enjoy that will involve you meeting new people. Join a gym, tennis club, cycling club whatever. From what I hear, men on dating apps aren’t looking for relationships but hook-ups and one night stands. There are nice men out there but I think you are more likely to meet someone if you are busy and happy in your own life.

Suprima · 22/07/2021 07:55

You say you ‘met’ 2 men from dating apps?

What does this mean? Met solely for sex? Had a date then had sex?

Suprima · 22/07/2021 08:04

Posted too soon…

I don’t want to jump to conclusions- but seeing as you said ‘when talking’, I take it these 2 horrible men weren’t boyfriends or anyone you had actually had a few nice dates with. The fact that they were on dating apps to sleep with women they were ‘talking to’ are red flags enough, if you are looking for a serious relationship.

You say you think you have high expectations- but it doesn’t really sound like you do. Dating apps can work but you have to treat yourself like an employer- have a strict code of non-negotiable and don’t waver from it.

‘Hey sexy’ = blocked
Matching with you then saying something like ‘why should I choose you’ = blocked
‘When are you cooking for me?’ = blocked
Wanting a pen pal rather than to arrange a date = blocked
Compliments on your breasts/arse = blocked
“Let’s see where things go” = blocked

There really isn’t any room to be nice here. As you’ve clearly seen, they won’t extend that niceness to you.

Match with people, go on dates, chat with them and most importantly LISTEN to them. If they are twats, there is a good chance they’ll give themselves up. Or join a hobby club, as someone said, extend your social network that way- this will give you a chance to meet some nice people who are there to learn a skill or better themselves.

Good luck- it is shit out there.

YarnOver · 22/07/2021 09:52

You're mid twenties. You have absolutely ages to find someone , if there even is a "typical age" to find someone.

I got married at your age and for about the last 8 years my DH and I have been the only ones in our close and wider friendship groups who were married. Most people are well into their 30s.

All of this is irrelevant because like I said there isn't an age where you must do this, but you are very very young.

Umberellatheweatha · 22/07/2021 10:36

As you get older, youll get more discerning about red flags.

It sounds like you are missing a few/boundaries arent maybe where they need to be. Think if it this way, the guy that was always looking at nudes...it sounds like you stayed with him for a while even though you knew about it and weren't comfortable? When it was a clear red flag. And that guy who spat in your face....did you realise that was assault at the time? That you could have called the police?

Not blaming you for missing/ignoring that shit because I think we have to go through things like that to learn that we shouldn't tolerate it.

Definately read up on how to spot abusers. YouTube videos on narcissists (npd) are a good place to start.

Of course, sometimes shitty people slip through unnoticed. But the key is that the second a person shows behaviour that is dubious or makes you feel uncomfortable, remove them from your life.

kalesmoothies · 22/07/2021 13:22

Thanks for the advice. I'm not particularly looking for a relationship right now, I guess I was in a weird mood this morning. Yes, I met those two guys just for casual sex but it's shocking to me how what they did is the so-called norm now. Spoken with a few friends and their boyfriends or tinder 'dates' all pester them or assume that anal and spitting or chocking is just a regular part of sex, so I'm not even inclined to have casual sex anymore.

As for the scrolling through nudes, I didn't have a problem with it at first because I remember back in class several guys would scroll through porn or nudes on their phone during the lectures and show each other pictures or clips. Told them to stop it once because I was trying to concentrate and got called a Tory prude who probably thinks women shouldn't enjoy sex.

It's ridiculous but even finding male friends who don't casually look through porn throughout the day (their Reddit feed is just full of it so it's not like they're deliberately going to porn subs specifically) is like finding someone who doesn't use WhatsApp. And these are just the so-called good ones. I've had platonic friendships that have been ruined because they always end up asking for nudes.

I suppose I'm just having one of those days where I have the bleakest outlook if this is how it seems to be.

OP posts:
worktrip · 23/07/2021 10:50

A lot of this is the availability and acceptability of ever increasingly nasty porn. I feel sorry for young men and young women today. Awful situation

SorryWoman · 23/07/2021 10:56

You're mid twenties and have already had three serious relationships? IMO you need to care less about finding a guy and just enjoy being young

Newjobcrap · 23/07/2021 23:52

Some really good advice on here OP
Focus on your life
Stay off the apps
You’ll meet someone don’t worry

Justa47 · 24/07/2021 01:11

@kalesmoothies

Build your life and nice guys are there.
Stop dating idiots.

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