Would this bother you?

[YellowSt]

I mostly initiate contact with new man of a year. It’s always been this way.

Example mostly is I will suggest a phone call and within a few minutes he replies and says yes to it, asks if he can call now or suggests another later time to suit me etc.

He always replies to messages and does sometimes initiate contact but I would say it’s 70 percent me, 30 percent him.

In the early days I was strict with my messaging style and wouldn’t initiate contact really at all. I wanted to know if he was interested. As time has gone on I’ve been more confident initiating. But it bothers me a bit...

Am I making this into a storm in a teacup? If that’s even the right phrase!

It would bother some people. It would not bother others. There's no right or wrong.

Why do you want to know what other people would feel?

It would bother me.

@TheFoundations in case I need some perspective, might be being a bit dramatic

Personally it would bother me - I'd want to feel that he was interested enough to initiate contact more often.

Perhaps he doesn’t feel he needs to and doesn’t get a chance to miss you as you always reach out. Cool it for a bit on constant texting and see if he initiates more

It’s a difficult one. I can see why you’re frustrated by it and I probably would be too. But some people rarely initiate contact with others and that’s just how they always operate. So it isn’t necessarily indicative of his level of interest in you. He is just happy for someone else to call the shots.

Hmm I think maybe I should cool it off like @Funk2funky suggests. I just don’t want to play games.

Just step away a bit, it’s not playing games as such, just protecting your energy from all the initiating. If he’s interested he will get the hint.

I feel a bit rubbish he’s not even messaged to ask about my day or say goodnight. He’s been online (as have I though)

Well he’s text so now I feel silly

I think if you’re just patient and let him initiate more - he will up the texting and then your anxiety will settle too. Win win

Wouldn’t bother me at all. Who cares as long as you want to talk to each other and he clearly does want to talk with you.

[quote YellowSt]@TheFoundations in case I need some perspective, might be being a bit dramatic[/quote]
But you have your feelings. You can't judge them according to what other people would do. Some people are dramatic, some less so, some hardly ever.

If something is bothering you in your relationship, then you need to accept that it's bothering you, work out why, and then deal with it. Maybe by amending your behaviour, or maybe by talking to your partner about it.

The fact that you have consulted a forum rather than being able to say to him 'I feel like I initiate contact a lot, what do you think about that?' would indicate that your not as comfortable with him as you might hope.

So he finally messaged at 10pm, that's rubbish tbh after a year you should be more of a priority in his life, cut down on your messaging it should be more equal, have a talk about your communication too see if can be improved or he will carry on thinking your fine with casual contact.

I’m with at @ThePurplePalace, it wouldn’t bother me at all. But Im usually the one that doesn’t initiate as often but it doesn’t mean I’m not interested as I always reply and keep the convo going.

@seensome

So he finally messaged at 10pm, that's rubbish tbh after a year you should be more of a priority in his life, cut down on your messaging it should be more equal, have a talk about your communication too see if can be improved or he will carry on thinking your fine with casual contact.

I would always text my OH last thing before bed prior to living together, or he me. Not because he was the last thing on my mind, but because I loved that last conversation with him, even if it was literally saying goodnight, so wanted to end the day on something nice.

Good for you pango if once a day message before bed works for you both, although it can cause problems if you both aren't happy with the same communication style which is why I suggested it's talked through.

I would not want a relationship where I did most of the running. So yes, it would bother me. It would signal he is not that keen on me, giving himself an implied escape route (because he did not chase you) or he likes you to take the lead, which suggests a passive personality which is offputting.

What was he like at the start. Was it 50-50 at least?

I had a boyfriend like this and it really got on my nerves. It came over like he'd got better things to do than speak to me and like I wasn't much of a priority. He'd take all day to reply to a message when he wasn't doing anything much, his phone was always glued to his hand so I know he'd have read my text soon after I sent it and just not bothered to reply for 8 or more hours and tbh I just think it's rude. I think it would annoy most people.

What would be the point of the forum were it not to ask for a broader view and perspective?
Why do you come here at all if you feel that way about asking strangers for impartial advice?

@famousforwrongreason

What would be the point of the forum were it not to ask for a broader view and perspective? Why do you come here at all if you feel that way about asking strangers for impartial advice?

Apologies, that was too @TheFoundations

@famousforwrongreason

I wasn't attacking OP for being here, I was trying to get to the root of the problem. Which I did. When people feel they're being 'dramatic', they're not respecting their own feelings.

You have misunderstood my tone.

I come here because having been through an abusive relationship, and then counselling, I've got some idea about boundaries, which I am sometimes able to pass on to people who are struggling.

Take off your 'thread police' hat.

I would cut your communications down to the same level as him. bring it down to 50/50. Then see how you feel about the relationship.