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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Friend or not?

12 replies

Rainbowsmiles82 · 21/07/2021 20:17

So I will try to keep it short. I haven’t got many friends so wanted to make a real effort with the other Mum’s when my child started school last September. I got talking to one of the other Mum’s and most days we would have a chat while the children played on the local park. She sadly lost her Mum a few months ago (after a long illness) and asked me if I could pick her child up from school whilst she attended the funeral, to which of course I agreed.

The day after the ‘play date’ I text her as her child had left something behind at my house. She then said thanks for looking after Sam (name change!) Ok no problems.

I appreciate restrictions have only just been lifted but when they were, she was very quick to invite another child round after school for a play date. Now this child and her child have become good friends, which of course is fine, but that has pushed my child out slightly. Am I wrong to think perhaps she should of invited my child to play at some point as a kind of thanks, let me repay the favour kind of thing?

Please be gentle, this is all new to me.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 21/07/2021 20:21

Do your children get on? I don’t think it’s something to take umbrage at

Rainbowsmiles82 · 21/07/2021 20:23

Yes I would say so.

OP posts:
Rainbowsmiles82 · 21/07/2021 20:29

I think I’m just feeling a bit used, I have been here before with ‘friends.’

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 21/07/2021 20:30

Maybe she does plan to invite your dc around, but hasn’t yet. Try not take offence (although I can see how you can feel hurt). Continue chatting to the mum. Maybe suggest some joint activities. Don’t give up on this friendship over one incidence.

However, if she continually asks for childcare favours without reciprocating, then she’s a cf.

MamaNell · 21/07/2021 20:32

You looked after her child for one afternoon, (for a very sad reason) it's quite a small favour.
I invite kids to my house based on when my children want it to happen, and the whole family busy schedule. I wouldn't take it personally. Maybe the other family asked her a favour...
Wh not ask her what they are doing over the summer holidays and suggest you all go somewhere? Then both you and your child have an opportunity to make them into better friends

Rainbowsmiles82 · 21/07/2021 20:39

Thanks for your comments. @mamanell yes it was only an afternoon / into the evening, but it was a lot for me. I have MH issues but obviously the other Mum isn’t aware of that. It just feels raw as her and the other Mum
are very clicky now and have arranged a lot of play dates / meet ups over the holidays.

OP posts:
Bridezillamaybe · 21/07/2021 20:43

Op as gently as possible you did a tiny thing. When my dad died I was inundated with offers of 'anything you need'. I wouldn't have thought it was a big deal for someone to help out so I could go to the funeral. I don't think she needs to repay the favour.

She might be better friends with the other woman. It doesnt mean a friendship can't evolve between you two. Get on with your own stuff and if an opportunity arises for you to hang out then go with it.

Strugglingtodomybest · 21/07/2021 20:51

I'm actually quite amazed that you would feel used in this situation. You helped someone out when their mum had died, it wasn't a playdate, and personally if I helped someone in this situation I would never expect anything back because I was doing them a favour. I don't do favours in the expectation of getting anything back, I do them because I genuinely want to help.

I think that you're really overthinking this and should just go with the flow a bit more.

Rainbowsmiles82 · 21/07/2021 20:54

Thanks for your responses. It’s not something I find easy, but I will try to go with the flow and arrange some meet ups in the holidays. Thanks all. 🌞

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 21/07/2021 20:55

I think that if you're questioning the friendship over this, it's not much of a friendship in the first place.

Doyouknowtheway · 21/07/2021 21:13

If a Mum friend was questioning her friendship with me because my child had made a new friend or wasn't friendly with her child anymore, I'd think of her as the user.
I'm not close friends with the kids mate's parents unless I like them(only happened with 2/3 Mums. Otherwise its a quick drop off/pick up. If it fizzles out when the kids don't play anymore then it was just friendship of convenience.

Aprilx · 21/07/2021 21:16

If I did something for somebody whilst they attended their mothers funeral, I wouldn’t for a second be wondering when they were going to repay the favour!

Think no more of that, carry on being friendly and let any friendship evolve naturally.

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