How can I be SURE I’m not the problem?

[Copper2020]

So in a nutshell married almost 20 years but marriage is over in all but saying it.

I’ve tried to talk to him.

Doesn’t want to engage.

When I explain how I feel I am met with accusations of how I have mental problems and need ‘help’.

I’ve have 2 children. Very young.

How can I be certain it’s now me before I rip the family apart.

Thanks for any help

It's not you. Speak with your friends and allies who will be able to help you understand yourself in a way that is separate from your relationship. Remember whi you were before the relationship. Visualise the person who you want to be. Look at the dynamics of the relationship which might help you understand your behaviour and feelings.

When I explain how I feel I am met with accusations of how I have mental problems and need ‘help’.

It is not you. I had this too.

I had a drink problem apparently. When I thought about it I hadn't had a drink for 6 weeks and not out of discipline but because it hadn't crossed my mind.

It's part of what he says. Known on here as The Script.

What he is doing is behaving badly and blaming you. You will be the one ripping the family up.

He will be unconsolable but a few weeks after you split, there will be a new woman in his life. (there usually is an OW, not always but usually)

Keep yourself focussed on that you are perfectly sane and you are a good person and a good mother.

[HUG]

If you’re agonising over whether you’re the problem, you probably aren’t the problem.

I’d book a few session with a counsellor to be SURE it’s not you, but what makes you think it might be?
I only ask because my marriage is going through a rough patch but I’m not sure if it’s my hormones, lack of identity and independence due to having small kids, feelings of resentment because his life is easier etc etc
My OH will engage but then he’ll start saying shit like ‘I know WE are tired, WE have busy lives’ etc

@Maunderingdrunkenly

If you’re agonising over whether you’re the problem, you probably aren’t the problem.

This in spades.

When you split, you'll join the legions of 'crazy' exes this type of men all say they have.

Ahhh does he "know you better than anyone else"

You do that (random thing you never do) yes you do i KNOW you do you just dont REMEMBER you do it

Why do you need to assign blame? The marriage isn't working for either of you, so the responsible thing to do is end it. It doesn't have to be anybody's fault.

Am I right in thinking that when he accuses you of having mental problems, it actually does make you feel a bit nuts, and that's why you're doubting yourself?

It's gaslighting.

Does it matter? The marriage isn't working.

He's the one ripping it apart by refusing to engage and accusing you. If you're the one with the courage to call it a day, it's still no less on him.

@Maunderingdrunkenly exactly this. Typically people who are the actual problem, think they’re totally blameless and never put a foot wrong If you feel your issues are insurmountable and you want to split then that’s your choice. He doesn’t have to agree

The element that’s you, is that you are in a relationship with someone that won’t engage with you
And you aren’t sure if that’s your fault

And you just aren’t happy in your relationship and you can’t fix it alone, does it matter who’s fault it is?!

So yes, not recognising the issue clearly; is you.
Not respecting yourself enough to trust your gut; that’s you too.

The rest of it, that’s all him.