Online date broke up with me and I feel awful

[LilyW32]

After 5 years of being single, I started talking to a man on Tinder 3 weeks ago. We seemed to click straightaway and were soon messaging a lot on WhatsApp. I’m in my early 30s and he is in his late 20s. We met up after a few days and I really liked him. We chatted for ages and I felt for the first time in ages that I’d met someone I could potentially have a long-term relationship with.

We had another date where we went for a walk and talked. He told me he felt so comfortable with me, like he’d known me for ages, and that he felt serious about me. He said he’d told his friends about me, how beautiful I was, how well we got on. When we were apart, we’d chat on FaceTime and I always looked forward to hearing from him.

Last weekend, we had dinner at his house and watched a film. We had sex for the first time. It wasn’t perfect because we were both nervous and it’s always a bit awkward with someone new. I didn’t really enjoy it as he was far too rough and I felt like he was copying things he’d seen in porn. Having sex again was a big deal for me as I haven’t slept with anyone in years. I’m not one for casual one night things as I get too attached and I did it because I really liked him and felt like he wanted a relationship.

This is where it went wrong. He was quiet the next day, a bit distant and when I asked if he was OK, he said he was tired. He didn’t want to spend much time with me so I went home. He kissed me goodbye and we arranged to spend Tuesday evening together.

After the weekend, the texts became short and all the nice things he used to say stopped completely. No video calls and he took longer to reply. I got that awful feeling in my stomach when it started to sink in that he’d done a complete 360 after our night together.

Tuesday arrived and he didn’t mention meeting up. I checked Tinder and saw that he was still active on there as he had uploaded new photos to his profile. I asked if everything was OK and he texted saying ‘Yes but I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship.’ I asked him why he said he was serious about me if he didn’t mean it. He seemed completely unbothered. No apology, he doesn’t even care. He left my last text unanswered.

I know I’ve been played. I’m so angry with myself for being so stupid. I’ve been lonely over lockdown and I was looking for a connection but now I regret it. It was only a short relationship but I’m struggling today. I miss his texts, even though I know that version of him was fake. I know it’s for the best because deep down, I don’t think we are compatible but it doesn’t stop me feeling rejected.

I want to feel better and I wish I could turn back the clock before this all happened. I have anxiety issues and this has made them worse. I keep imagining him meeting other women who are younger and more attractive than me. I’ve deleted Tinder because I don’t feel strong enough for OLD at the moment. I’d appreciate some kind words as I’m feeling low tonight.

Don't be angry with yourself! What a fucking twat. I really wouldn't worry about him meeting other people. Well, apart from their safety. This is not someone you want in your life and it was not your fault.

Don’t be angry on yourself. It’s just a mis matched relationship. You didn’t enjoy the sex and maybe he didn’t so why carry on. You need a good sex life in a relationship and it sounds like yours wouldn’t be . He’s a twat for ghosting you after sex when he should have been honest but now you know what’s he like you can forget all about him hopefully.

You sound like you've dodged a bullet to be honest. Would you really want to be having that kind of sex all the time?

You weren't stupid and don't deserve to feel angry with yourself. A grown man said he wanted a relationship and was interested in you. He lied, you didn't infer anything that wasn't said. To be honest the rough immature sex would likely have become offputting before too long. He's a loser, having to lie and trick women into sex. Look after yourself, take a bit of time to do things you enjoy and if you want a relationship maybe try a paid site rather than tinder or bumble.

I mean this kindly, but you first started chatting to him 3 weeks ago, and met him even more recently than that. He was still a stranger, it’s easy to get swept away in the excitement but it sounds like it was all too much too soon.

It sounds brutal but dating a few people at once helps avoid the feeling of a total loss when one doesn’t work out. At such early days it would be totally reasonable to do this.

I’m sorry you feel shit. Try not to analyse it too much - you had fun at the time and it’s all good experience.

He lied to get a shag. Immature selfish walker. You are better off without him anywhere near you. Nothing you can do if someone's going to lie like that so wrote it off as an unfortunate encounter with an extreme dickhead

Wanker not walker

You're looking at this as though it's something to feel badly about. It's not. You dodged a bullet and should be thrilled you didn't waste more time on him.

He lied to you to get you into bed. And then you had rubbish sex because he's a sad porn hound, not because he was nervous.

This is nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Some men get their kicks from doing this unfortunately. It is nothing to do with your age or your attractiveness or your sparkling personality.

Have you considered doing some work on your self esteem? Because OLD is pretty brutal and if you don't think any man is bloody lucky to be dating you, I wouldn't even attempt it. Men like this can smell their victims.

You need to see yourself as the prize and change your whole mindset about dating. Ask yourself why, after a night of crap sex which involved him being too rough with you, did you not immediately ditch HIM? I say this kindly but you need to significantly increase your standards, expectations and self respect before you date any more or it will never end well.

Don’t make excuses for ANYTHING early on in a relationship because you’re so desperately trying to make it something it isn’t.

You sound lovely @LilyW32 Don't let this waste of space destroy your confidence. You deserve (and will find) someone so much better than this. ♥️

The 'real him' isn't someone you would be interested in. He knew that, so he lied. And sounds like he's crap in bed too.

Online dating is pretty weird. You don't have to be put off, there are nice people out there.

You definitely dodged a bullet. On the plus side, you didn't know him long enough (or well enough) for the pain to last long. For now...just allow yourself to feel crap - you're human and it's a human emotion. It will pass and you'll move forward and learn from it. The best lesson you could learn is that OLD can be brutal and you need to have quite a thick skin to get by.

Sounds just like my experience with OLD and that of my friends.

Perpetually single men are single for a reason, the rest on OLD are married.

Agree with PPs, but would just like to add this: if ever again you find yourself having sex with someone who is far too rough and copying things seen in porn, you stop him there and then. Don't go along and beat yourself up about it afterwards.

You need to learn to be assertive and protect yourself and your values. The Six Pillars of Self Esteem might be a good start

@Megasausagehead

Sounds just like my experience with OLD and that of my friends.

Perpetually single men are single for a reason, the rest on OLD are married.

This isn't entirely true. I've met some very decent men on OLD who just weren't right for me, and I have a couple of friends who have met their (very decent) husbands on OLD. I think, as a rule of thumb, the more you're prepared to pay for the site, the better quality of date you'll get (ie avoid the free sites if you can afford it).

Thank you so much for your replies. Reading them has made me feel a lot better. I agree that I need to reframe my thinking in regards to this situation. I let my emotions rule my head when I’m reality, this man wasn’t suitable for me. I was the one making most of the effort and it’s clear he wasn’t invested in me in the way that I was invested in him.

I do need to work on my self esteem and I will have a look at The Six Pillars of Self Esteem. I’ve struggled with my self-image since I was a teenager and I need to work on my mindset before I date again. I find it difficult to know people’s true intentions so next time I’ll take things slower. It was definitely too much, too soon.

I think you just have to chalk it up to experience OP. Who knows whether he misled you in order to sleep with you, or whether he just decided that there was no chemistry. But it doesn't really matter - it happens and you have to move forwards. (and it sounds as though he wasn't all that anyway)

It isn't a judgment on you as a person at all - you can get back out there, and you'll meet someone who isn't porn-y in bed, and who is lovely. Unfortunately it is all about developing a thicker skin. OLD is quite harsh!